This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.
The Defendant
The Case
The Prosecution: The Odd Life of Timothy Green, Arthur, Valentine's Day, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Elektra, 13 Going on 30, Daredevil
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Jennifer Garner earned numerous fans portraying Sydney Bristow on television's Alias, but when it comes to movies, her work leaves a lot to be desired. Her performances have been weak, and most of the films she has starred in have been pretty terrible.
The jury is probably already well aware of the prosecution's dislike for Valentine's Day, but Miss Garner also appeared in the abysmal Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Miss Garner coasts through both films, barely putting any effort into her performance. The prosecution understands films like these usually don't have the best opportunities for one to showcase his or her skills as a thespian, but Jesus Christ Miss Garner, at least try. The actress was a little better in 13 Going on 30, however that's like saying getting kicked in the stomach is better than getting kicked in the nads, and it's not like that film was critically acclaimed either.
But Miss Garner isn't on trial for starring in a few too many shitty rom-coms. Arthur is a bland and annoying, and so is Miss Garner in the film. The Odd Life of Timothy Green is so sickly-sweet you might develop diabetes while watching it, and like it is in most of her movies, Miss Garner is just kind of…there.
Let's not forget about how she butchered Elektra in Daredevil and the solo movie. Some may argue she wasn't right for the part to begin with and the screenwriters are the ones that f*cked up, but she still managed to completely fail as the character, and at least some of the blame has to fall on Miss Garner.
For her crimes, Miss Garner should serve no less than 13 months, but no more than 30 in Movie Jail.
The Defense: Dallas Buyers Club, The Invention of Lying, Butter, Juno, The Kingdom, 13 Going on 30, Pearl Harbor, Alias, Dude, Where's My Car?
Ladies and gentlemen, my client has appeared in a few awful movies, but enough to be considered for Movie Jail? The defense doesn't think so, and we believe Miss Garner has proven she's a decent actress. Maybe not fantastic, however there's nothing wrong with someone being just average at their job.
Although she got a lot of exposure on Alias, the defense has never considered Miss Garner to be a big name actress. Definitely not an A-lister. But once again, there's nothing wrong with that. The word the defense keeps coming to when trying to describe Miss Garner is serviceable. She's not going to blow you away with her performance, however Miss Garner usually doesn't hurt the film either. It's why she does better in supporting roles instead of leads (in the defense's opinion), like in Juno and even Pearl Harbor. Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto are getting all the attention for Dallas Buyers Club, but Miss Garner was also quite excellent in the film.
The prosecution claims Miss Garner is a "lazy" actress, but clearly he hasn't seen The Kingdom, and she also has a ton of energy in 13 Going on 30. And you know what? 13 Going on 30 isn't actually that bad for essentially being a female version of Big. The film could have been much worse, and the defense believes Miss Garner deserves a lot of the credit. Go ahead and try to take away my man card, I f*cking dare you.
Miss Garner can do action, comedy, romance, and drama, and is obviously a talented actress. Is she on the same level as Meryl Streep, or even Julia Roberts? No, but that doesn't mean we should send her to Movie Jail.
IN CLOSING…
Should Mrs. Affleck be sent to the slammer for her crimes, or do you think she's an innocent woman? How much should she be blamed for Daredevil and Elektra? Is Jennifer Garner GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?
COMMENT BELOW WITH YOUR VERDICT!
*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyways, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?
LAST WEEK'S VERDICT
Look at Jason Lee in the picture above. See how happy he and his Alvin army are that he's been found NOT GUILTY of all charges? Most of the jury was on the actor's side during last week's trial, however there were a few that believed Mr. Lee should at least spend some time in Movie Jail. But Mr. Lee is a free man, so when he does make Alvin and the Chipmunks in Space, the jury will have no one to blame but themselves.
PREVIOUS VERDICTS
GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr. , Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf
NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Special), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood, Jason Lee