This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.
The Defendant
The Case
The Prosecution: Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked, Cop Out, Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Underdog, The Ballad of Jack and Rose, Dreamcatcher, A Guy Thing, Stealing Harvard, Kissing A Fool
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, back in the late 1990s/early 2000s the prosecution was a big fan of Jason Lee, but the time has come to send the actor to Movie Jail. Why, you ask? There are many reasons, but the big one is Alvin and the Mother F*cking Chipmunks.
Listen, the prosecution understands an actor needing work and sometimes not getting the best roles available. The prosecution also realizes that the Chipmunks movies are made for children, and most adults won't enjoy them anyway. But does that mean these are good movies? Of course not! They are terrible, lazy films, and you'll probably want to run over every chipmunk you see trying to cross the road after watching them. The Shitmunks films have (unfortunately) made a ton of money, and of course Mr. Lee has signed on for another one, because why bother starring in decent movies when you can just get paid out the ass for appearing in a forgettable kid's flick? Speaking of forgettable children's movies, just how big of a check did Mr. Lee receive for voicing the titular character in Underdog?
But Mr. Lee isn't on trial for appearing in a few too many bad children's movies. Although Mr. Lee has proven that he's capable of doing comedy and drama, his talents have been wasted in mediocre films like The Ballad of Jack and Rose, Dreamcatcher, A Guy Thing, and Stealing Harvard. It's very disappointing when you consider how great he was in films directed by Kevin Smith that aren't Cop Out like Dogma and Chasing Amy, and other movies such as Almost Famous and Vanilla Sky.
Mr. Lee definitely deserves a cot in Movie Jail (and a stink palm) for his crimes against cinema.
The Defense: Drop Dead Sexy, Clerks II, Monster House, The Incredibles, Big Trouble, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Vanilla Sky, Heartbreakers, Almost Famous, Dogma, Mumford, Chasing Amy, Mallrats, My Name is Earl
Ladies and gentlemen, the prosecution is treating my client like he's the first actor to receive a check for starring in a shitty kid's movie. Should Neil Patrick Harris stand trial for appearing in The Smurfs and its sequel? Should David Cross be considered for Movie Jail because he starred in the Chipmunks movies as well? My point? Almost every actor will star or voice a character in an awful children's movie during their career, but they aren't nearly as important as their other film credits.
Mr. Lee hasn't appeared in that many great films lately, but that doesn't mean his talent is gone. Mr. Lee has excellent comedic timing, and he was fantastic in Vanilla Sky as Tom Cruise's pal and as Stillwater lead singer Jeff Bebe in Almost Famous. Does the prosecution honestly think my client will never get parts like the ones in those two films ever again? My client doesn't mail in his performances either. It would be very easy for him to sleepwalk through something like A Guy Thing or Heartbreakers (which isn't nearly as bad as you'd think), but Mr. Lee is full of energy in almost all of his films. And although the defense was never a big fan of "My Name is Earl," Mr. Lee was awesome in it, and wouldn't mind seeing the actor in another television series, as long as it's not "Memphis Beat."
The jury should remember that Mr. Lee was a professional skateboarder before becoming an actor, and he has done an awesome job for someone that use to be an athlete. Maybe being a serious actor isn't that important to my client anymore. Perhaps starring in a successful kid's movie franchise, and appearing in a couple of films here and there is enough for Mr. Lee. My client has also done some done a bunch of voice work, and the defense would love to see him voicing more characters in future films.
The defense has about a million things to say about Mr. Lee for Movie Jail, but can't express it mono-syllabically enough for the prosecution to understand them all. However, the defense knows the jury would understand, and is confident that they will find my client not guilty.
IN CLOSING…
Should Jason Lee be sent to Movie Jail because of his terrible children's movies and recent crappy comedies? Was his success in the past a fluke, or does he have real talent? I ask you, the jury, is Jason Lee GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?
COMMENT BELOW WITH YOUR VERDICT!
*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyways, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?
LAST WEEK'S VERDICT
Director Gavin Hood has been found NOT GUILTY of all charges. After looking at the evidence from last week's trial, the jury decided Mr. Hood just hasn't done enough work to be judged fairly, and they said he shouldn't be held accountable for X-Men Origins: Wolverine.The jury also commented that the director did a decent job with Ender's Game, and would be interested in seeing another film by Mr. Hood.
PREVIOUS VERDICTS
GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr. , Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf
NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Special), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood