Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood
writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and
Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking
shithouse.
The
Defendant
Ice Cube
The
Case
The Prosecution: Are We There Yet?, Are We Done Yet?, xXx: State of the Union, Barbershop 2, First Sunday, The Longshots, Ghosts
of Mars, Lottery Ticket*
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, it’s not often that we bring rappers turned actors to trial but with the rumors of a new Friday
movie being thrown about, we thought what better time than now. First off, the prosecution’s case can essentially be summed up with the following picture:
Seriously, what happened to this guy? Mr. Cube showcased natural acting chops in some solid movies early on in his career, but it looks
like the trouble started around 2005’s Are We There Yet?, when he traded in his G ride for a minivan. Ever since then, it’s been one mediocre family
comedy after another and the prosecution feels that Mr. Cube’s coolness factor has been extinguished. A stint in Movie Jail may help bring him back to his
former glory, and reclaim his rightful spot as the greatest rapper turned actor ever. Next to Kid n Play of course.
The Defense: The Friday Series, Rampart, Boyz n the Hood, Tresspass, Higher Learning, Three Kings, Barbershop, 21 Jump Street,
All About the Benjamins*
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, the defense can’t possibly…err…defend Mr. Cube’s choice in films over the last few years. What we can
defend is Mr. Cube’s past performances and the potential he still has in delivering the goods. His turn as Captain Dickson in this year’s 21 Jump
Street reboot provided some hearty belly laughs and classic lines that should keep him out of Movie Jail (“Stop fucking with Korean Jesus! He’s busy…with
Korean shit!”). If the man wants to make some extra bank by playing the fun, lovable dad, he should be allowed to without persecution. Movie Jail isn’t
going to help Mr. Cube get back on track, yet, we understand we’re going up against a pretty tough prosecution. We move for leniency and maybe a slap on the
hand.
IN
CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Ice Cube? Is his foray into safe, family comedies gone on too long? Does he still have the potential to do
another great comedy or action movie?
And the
most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Ice Cube GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR
arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so
relax.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR
NOT?
LAST WEEK’S
VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing
last week’s evidence, the court finds Jessica Alba
GUILTY of all charges. Even with evidence that included the hottest gifs of all time, the jury still wasn’t buying that just because she’s hot,
doesn’t mean she’s innocent. This is Movie Jail honey, you’re not trying to get out of parking ticket.
| PREVIOUS VERDICTS | |
| GUILTY | NOT GUILTY |
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