Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood
writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and
Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking
shithouse.
The
Defendant
Hilary Swank
The
Case
The Prosecution: P.S. I Love You, New Year’s Eve, Amelia, The Next Karate Kid, The Reaping, The Core, The Gift*
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, how about we make this three weeks in a row for Academy Award winning actresses on trial? How about that?
The JoBlo Movie Podast received a voicemail last week about how incredibly overrated Ms. Hilary Swank is. We did some digging into her case, and while we
don’t find her particularly overrated, we do see a lack of quality movies over the years for an Oscar winning actress. A two time Oscar winning actress at
that. How can someone who possesses such obvious talent make such poor choices with their career? Since her 2004 Oscar win for Million Dollar Baby,
Ms. Swank has put out 9 movies with only 3 of those movies being certified fresh. We may be Movie Jail attorneys, but we’re bad at math, so we can
only imagine that’s a bad percentage for Ms. Swank. 2007 seems to be her busiest year to date, releasing three movies, two of which were pretty damn awful:
P.S. I Love You and The Reaping (more like the raping of my goddamn eyeballs). She’s also co-starred with two Movie Jail convicts: Gerard Butler and Halle Berry, so let’s face it, she’s been keeping pretty shitty company.
The Defense: Boys Don’t Cry, Million Dollar Baby, Insomnia, Conviction, Freedom Writers, The Black Dahlia*
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, what do the prosecutors have against Academy Award winners in this court of law? Or maybe they just hate
women? Is the prosecution forgetting that The Gift was indeed a gift, giving the world its first glimpse at Katie Holmes milk cannons? What does
that have to do with the defendant? Everything and nothing. Isn’t a two-time Academy Award winning actress allowed to take a break from the grind and have
fun with the likes of New Year’s Eve and The Resident? We believe Ms. Swank has all the talent in the world to be one our stronger actresses
working to date. When you look at movies like Boys Don’t Cry and Million Dollar Baby, you see the kind of versatility and commitment to
excellence Ms. Swank brings to the screen, and we have confidence that it’s only a matter of time when she’ll find herself back in the big leagues. We’re
asking the court to dismiss this case. If you can find find Kristen Stewart and Sandra Bullock not guilty (oops, spoiler, see below), then we can find Ms.
Swank not guilty.
IN
CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Hilary Swank? Is she indeed “overrated”? Does she need to be more picky with what roles she chooses? Is she
pissing her Academy Award cred down the drain with her lack of consistency?
And the
most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Hilary Swank GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR
arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so
relax.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR
NOT?
LAST WEEK’S
VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing
last week’s evidence, the court finds Sandra Bullock
NOT GUILTY of all charges. In a surprising verdict (for the wardens of Movie Jail), the jury decided that America’s Sweetheart should remain free
and clear, confident that she’s not now, or will ever be, half as bad as all the other rom com actresses.
| PREVIOUS VERDICTS | |
| GUILTY | NOT GUILTY |
| Adam Sandler
Eddie Murphy
Vince Vaughn Tim Burton
The Farrelly Brothers
Michael Bay
Jessica Alba
Ice Cube
Gerard Butler
Halle Berry
Marlon Wayans
Julia Roberts |
Robert De Niro
Val Kilmer Nic Cage
John Travolta
Oliver Stone
Ben Stiller
Jim Carrey
Wes Craven
Matthew McConaughey
Robert Rodriguez
Kristen Stewart
Roland Emmerich
Kevin Costner
Sandra Bullock |