This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity* and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.
The Defendant
The Case
The Prosecution: Outcast, Takers, New York, I Love You, Virgin Territory, Awake, Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith, Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, although Hayden Christensen was heavily criticized for his performances in the Star Wars prequels, they aren't the sole reason why he's up for Movie Jail. Mr. Christensen stands before you today because it's been ten years since the release of Episode III – Revenge of the Sith, and he still hasn't proved he's a better actor than what we saw in the Star Wars flicks.
Most of Mr. Christensen's post-Star Wars films have had little success with critics and at the box office, and his performances in them have ranged from barley tolerable (Jumper) to straight up awful (Takers). What happened to the guy who was nominated for multiple awards for his role in Life as a House? While some will argue that the George Lucas movies "destroyed" his career, maybe the actor would be doing a little better if he wasn't taking roles in obvious crap films, like Virgin Territory and Awake. Yes, Mr. Christensen is only picking from the roles that are offered to him and probably hasn't seen too many truly great parts come his way since Star Wars, but there has to be better options out there for the actor than playing second fiddle to Nicolas Cage in a shitty action flick.
The prosecution understands that Mr. Christensen isn't 100% responsible for his "wooden and whiny" Anakin Skywalker, but he certainly isn't a great or even good actor, and we believe the jury will agree that he deserves a very long stay in prison.
The Defense: Vanishing on 7th Street, Jumper, Factory Girl, Shattered Glass, Life as a House, The Virgin Suicides
Ladies and gentlemen, lets be honest here; if my client didn't have the Star Wars movies on his filmography, he probably wouldn't be a Movie Jail candidate. Some will say his Anakin "ruined" Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, but those people should just let it go already, and there were far bigger problems with the films than my client's performances.
Mr. Christensen may not have a lot of range as an actor, but there have been a few strong turns from my client. Although his performance in Factory Girl received mixed reviews, the defense thought he did a great job in the Edie Sedgwick biopic, and we also thought he was fantastic in Shattered Glass. Mr. Christensen didn't have a lot to work with in Vanishing on 7th Street, but in the defense's opinion, he did just fine in the underrated horror movie.
My client's projects since the Star Wars movies are a mixed bag, however all it can take is one or two bad performances/movies to derail a career, especially for a young, up-and-coming actor, and that's exactly what happened to Mr. Christensen. Is it fair? Not, but that's the Hollywood system for you. Even though Mr. Christensen might be a little guilty, the defense doesn't believe he belongs behind bars.
IN CLOSING…
Do you think Mr. Christensen just hasn't found the right post-Star Wars role yet, or do we absolutely need to lock him up? Do you have faith in his abilities as an actor, or should we have thrown him in prison a long time ago? Is Hayden Christensen GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?
*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyway, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?
LAST WEEK'S VERDICT
Cameron Crowe was found NOT GUILTY of all charges in last week's trial, however the court has decided to put the once celebrated filmmaker on probation. The court has a feeling the jury will be a little less forgiving if the director is responsible for another poorly received film, and he better show some improvement with his Aloha follow-up, or he might be looking at a lengthy prison sentence.
PREVIOUS VERDICTS
GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr., Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf, Renny Harlin, Diane Keaton, McG, Demi Moore, King Joffrey (Game of Thrones Special), David Spade, Spike Lee, Kevin James, Joel Schumacher, Ehren Kruger, Chris Rock, Mark Steven Johnson, Mickey Rourke, Ashley Judd, Uma Thurman, Josh Duhamel, Saw Franchise (Halloween Edition), Zach Braff, Sam Worthington, Melissa McCarthy, The Wachowski Siblings, Kate Bosworth, Garry Marshall, David Goyer, Akiva Goldsman, Avi Arad, Damon Lindelof
NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Edition), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood, Jason Lee, Jennifer Garner, Carrie-Anne Moss, Kate Beckinsale, John Cusack, Chris Columbus, Clive Owen, Terrence Howard, Andrew Niccol, Drew Barrymore, Steve Martin, Joel Silver, Michelle Rodriguez, Kiefer Sutherland, Dario Argento, Susan Sarandon, Dennis Quaid, Rob Reiner, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mel Gibson, Pierce Brosnan, Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, Ivan Reitman, Stephen Sommers, Shawn Levy, Jai Courtney, Ridley Scott, Peter Jackson, Jamie Foxx, Luc Besson, Jason Reitman, Mila Kunis, Jennifer Connelly, Sienna Miller, Ben Barnes, Simon West, Len Wiseman, Brendan Fraser, Megan Fox, Neal McDonough, Cameron Crowe
UPDATES: Robert De Niro, Nicolas Cage and Roland Emmerich, Jim Carrey, Robert Rodriguez and Gerard Butler, Jessica Alba, Julia Roberts and The Farrelly Brothers, Ben Stiller, Tim Burton and Shia LaBeouf, Johnny Depp, Kevin Smith & Chris Rock