Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood
writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and
Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking
shithouse.
The
Defendant
Halle Berry
The
Case
The Prosecution: Catwoman, Gothika, The Flintstones, B.A.P., New Year’s Eve, Dark Tide, Perfect Stranger, Die Another Day, Swordfish*
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, it’s time we start holding some of our female contingent responsible in the courts of Movie Jail. To date, we’re at one a piece for females found Guilty (Jessica Alba) and Not Guilty (Kristen Stewart), so we figured to break the tie this week with Ms. Halle Berry, a woman so fine we’re often hypnotized into believing some of the shit she puts on screen is actually good. It’s not so much that she’s had a string of bad movies, it’s the inconsistency in projects that the prosecution is charging her with. We’re talking about an Academy Award winning actress, the first African American to win the prestigious award (for Monster’s Ball) and what does she do? Immediately follows that up in the epically bad Die Another Day as an abysmal Bond girl. And we know that the original X-Men trilogy is highly regarded (or at least the first 2) but she was easily the weakest link out of all, and considering the performances in the Last Stand, that’s saying a lot. We like Ms. Berry and her mammaries, but our sole charge here is the inconsistency displayed by some of her choices. Perhaps a few years in Movie Jail and a spank on the tush we’ll set her straight.
The Defense: Monster’s Ball, Bulworth, Things We Lost in the Fire, Cloud Atlas, Losing Isiah, The Last Boy Scout, Boomerang*
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, if Movie Jail has taught us anything, it’s that Academy Award winners, for better or worse, walk free. From De Niro to Cage, you take Oscar home, you walk free. There’s gotta be a more deserving actress that belongs in Movie Jail, right? Ms. Berry may stumble every other movie but when she’s on the right track, she does it well. As far as we can tell, the movies that the prosecution lists she seems to be having fun in (we have no defense for Gothika). And with her recent turn in Cloud Atlas, we think she’s on her A-game, playing no less than 43 different roles like an Oscar winning actress should. She also received accolades for 2011’s Frankie & Alice including a Golden Globe nomination but was beat out by Natalie Portman for Black Swan. These charges of inconsistency should be dropped. Ms. Berry is fine actress who arguably chooses less than stellar roles in less than stellar movies, but when she does pick something worthy, she goes for big air.
IN
CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Halle Berry? Are her “bad” movies really all that bad? Does she need some time in Movie Jail to reflect on her career?
And the
most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Halle Berry GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR
arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so
relax.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR
NOT?
LAST WEEK’S
VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing
last week’s evidence, the court finds Gerard Butler
GUILTY of all charges. Early in deliberations, the jury was pretty much splitsville with the Not Guilty camp citing Mr. Butler’s likability and chops to turn
in great performances, no matter what the project. But in the end, the Guilty camp pulled through, claiming the man is a one hit wonder who’s throwing his “bad ass”
potential away. Also, as jury member filmaddict simply put it: “he has a serious case of douche-face”.
| PREVIOUS VERDICTS | |
| GUILTY | NOT GUILTY |
| Adam Sandler
Eddie Murphy
Vince Vaughn Tim Burton
The Farrelly Brothers
Michael Bay
Jessica Alba Ice Cube Gerard Butler |
Robert De Niro
Val Kilmer Nic Cage
John Travolta
Oliver Stone
Ben Stiller
Jim Carrey
Wes Craven
Matthew McConaughey
Robert Rodriguez
Kristen Stewart
Roland Emmerich
Kevin Costner |