This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.
The Defendant
The Case
The Prosecution: The Big Wedding, Darling Companion, Mad Money, Smother, Mama's Boy, Because I Said So, Town & Country, Hanging Up, The Other Sister, The Lemon Sisters, The Good Mother, The Little Drummer Girl
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Diane Keaton has had an amazing career, appearing in such classics as The Godfather trilogy and her films with Woody Allen, but it's been a long time since the actress has starred in a truly great movie, and too often seems to be playing the exact same character.
First, let's take a look at her filmography over the past twenty years or so. She's only starred in one "fresh" movie in the past two decades according to Rottentomatoes.com, and that was back in 2003 with Something's Gotta Give. Morning Glory and The Family Stone are close to being fresh, however that just means they're barely tolerable. Her other movies these past few years though? Bad. I'm talking, "Punch me in the face repeatedly, because that would feel better than watching the rest of this movie," bad. Miss Keaton has proven she's a very good comedic actress, so why is she letting her talents go to waste in absolute garbage like The Big Wedding and Mad Money?
Unfortunately since the mid-90s, most of her movies have been more like Hanging Up, and less like Annie Hall. The problem is Miss Keaton seems to only take parts in inferior movies that are way too similar to previous roles. How often do we have to see her play a wealthy character who has problems with her love life, or has issues with her children? Sure some of Miss Keaton's films weren't made for the prosecution's demographic, but it's not like we're trashing The First Wives Club. Mama's Boy and Because I Said So, however, are truly terrible, and the prosecution is amazed anyone could like those movies, regardless of their age and gender.
If actresses like Meryl Streep, Judi Dench, and Helen Mirren can still find great projects at their age, why can't Miss Keaton do the same? Does she need to fire her agent, or does she just not care about the quality of her films? The prosecution isn't seeking a long prison sentence, but we do believe Miss Keaton needs to spend some time behind bars.
The Defense: Morning Glory, The Family Stone, Something's Gotta Give, Marvin's Room, The First Wives Club, Father of the Bride Part II, Manhattan Murder Mystery, Father of the Bride, The Godfather Part III, Baby Boom, Crimes of the Heart, Shoot the Moon, Reds, Manhattan, Interiors, Annie Hall, Looking for Mr. Goodbar, Love and Death, The Godfather Part II, Sleeper, Play It Again, Sam, The Godfather, Lovers and Other Strangers
Ladies and gentlemen, do you know what my client would probably say if she read the prosecution's argument? "Well, yeah I've starred in some crap. How else am I suppose to afford all these hats and gloves?" Miss Keaton is one of the most self-deprecating actresses working, and is probably fully aware most of her recent films have been less than stellar. But to be honest, Miss Keaton has earned the right to star in whatever she wants because of her excellent older movies, and the defense believes she can still deliver a great performance. Plus, she's still pretty damn foxy for being almost 70.
The prosecution talks about how horrible her movies have been the past twenty years, but the problems have been the movies themselves, not Miss Keaton. Most of these films have been destroyed by critics, however they usually have great things to say about my client. One of the few times Miss Keaton's performance hasn't been fantastic was in 1984's The Little Drummer Girl, but even then most believed it was because the actress was miscast. Critics thought Darling Companion was an absolute mess, but had high praise for Miss Keaton's performance. Morning Glory is also another great example of a meh film with an outstanding performance by my client.
Miss Keaton hasn't appeared in the greatest movies these past two decades or so, but does the jury really not believe in her abilities as an actress? The defense also thinks all it would take for people to forgive my client for her recent bombs is one amazing movie. How excited would you be if you found out Miss Keaton was going to be working with P.T. Anderson on a new film, or if she was cast in an upcoming comic book movie? My point? Miss Keaton is still a fantastic actress, and she always improves a film with her presence.
My client has starred in some bad movies, but if her The Big Wedding co-star Robert De Niro can be found not guilty, why should Miss Keaton rot away in a prison cell? We're not talking about a Katherine Heigl or Jennifer Lopez here: it's Diane f*cking Keaton. The prosecution might not be looking for a long sentence for my client, but the defense doesn't believe Miss Keaton should spend even one second in Movie Jail.
IN CLOSING…
Should Miss Keaton pay for her crimes, or has she appeared in too many fantastic movies to be sent to prison? Does the jury believe she can still find great roles, or is she forever stuck playing mother-in-laws in bland movies? Is Diane Keaton GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?
COMMENT BELOW WITH YOUR VERDICT!
*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyways, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?
LAST WEEK'S VERDICT
After looking at the evidence from last week's trial, the jury ruled in favor of Carrie-Anne Moss, and declared the actress NOT GUILTY of all charges. The jury felt that even though Miss Moss hasn't appeared in much (or anything great) these past few years, she shouldn't be sent to Movie Jail. The jury did say they wish the actress would do more in film or at least television, however they don't have a problem with her recent movies, and will always love her because of The Matrix.
PREVIOUS VERDICTS
GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr. , Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf, Renny Harlin
NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Special), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood, Jason Lee, Jennifer Garner, Carrie-Anne Moss