Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are
Hollywood
writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the
Prosecution and
Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being
a stinking
shithouse.
The
Defendant
Cuba Gooding Jr.
The
Case
The Prosecution: Holy shit, everything from the last 15 years*
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, have we ever witnessed such a rapid decline as we have with the likes of Mr. Cuba Gooding, Jr.? We’re
talking about a guy who won the Oscar for Jerry Maguire, tried his hand at more dramatic roles for a few years, dipped his toe into the family
friendly arena, then gave up and became the Straight to DVD god we all know him as now. Sure, he tried valiantly to make a come back with 2003’s
Radio but as we learned from Tropic Thunder, homeboy went full retard. And you never go full retard. Do you remember how awkward you felt
watching Mr. Gooding Jr., laugh and drool all over the place in that movie? We were uncomfortable. In 2009 alone, he acted in over a handful of
forgettable, straight to DVD flicks. Is this what happens to Oscar winners once they win the golden statue? No, just Mr. Gooding Jr., and that’s why we’re
looking for the court to prosecute and toss his ass in jail for a few years to slap some sense into him.
The Defense: American Gangster, Jerry Maguire, Men of Honor, Gladiator (the other one), As Good as it Gets, A Few Good Men, Boyz
n the Hood, What Dreams May Come, Rat Race*
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, Mr. Gooding, Jr. is a working actor and carved himself a nice little niche in the straight to DVD market.
Is that a crime? Are these high caliber, big budget movies? No. But it’s possible that the defendant hasn’t had any juicy dramatic roles coming across his
desk in a while. Sure, Red Tails was a disaster, but his turn as Nicky Barnes in 2007’s American Gangster showed that the actor still has
enough gas in the tank to showcase the goods. We understand the case against him is strong, but this year he’s slated to act in Machete Kills, so is
there any chance the court would be willing to give Mr. Gooding, Jr. one last shot to redeem himself?
IN
CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Cuba Gooding Jr.? Did he squander his talent away to live a long, cold life in the straight to DVD wasteland?
Are the straight to DVD movies really all that bad? Has anyone even fucking seen them?
And the
most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Cuba Gooding Jr. GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s
hear YOUR
arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so
relax.
WHAT SAY YOU,
GUILTY OR
NOT?
LAST WEEK’S
VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing
last week’s evidence, the court finds Al Pacino
NOT GUILTY of all charges. Much like the Robert De Niro trial from a
few months ago, the jury felt that Mr. Pacino’s films far outweighed the good, though there were a few people here and there who felt that he
needed a slap on the wrist to straighten him out.
| PREVIOUS VERDICTS | |
| GUILTY | NOT GUILTY |
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