Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are
Hollywood
writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the
Prosecution and
Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of cinematic inconsistency or on the flipside, consistently being
a stinking
shithouse.
The
Defendant
Channing Tatum
The
Case
The Prosecution: Most of his career*
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, one of the first names brought up for Movie Jail consideration when this idea came to fruition was Tanning
Chatum (it’s just more fun to say it that way). And after reading the jury’s comments and suggestions over the past few months, we noticed that Mr. Chatum was brought
up quite frequently. We can’t think of a better candidate for Movie Jail than a guy who’s acting makes Ashton Kutchner look like Daniel Day Lewis. Mr. Chatum must have
something illicit on a studio executive to keep getting work because we can’t figure out why or how his popularity has sustained for so long. We get it, he’s got abs
and broad shoulders and dreamy eyes that all the ladies (and some dudes) love, but his acting is terrible, and he lacks any on screen charisma whatsoever. So why let this man
continue to pollute our screens as he has for the past few years? Before anymore of his nonsense makes its way to our eyeballs, let’s throw this pretty boy in a cell with
Nasty Nate for a few years to see if that doesn’t do the boy some good.
The Defense: 21 Jump Street, Magic Mike, The Eagle, The Son of One, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Haywire*
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, it seems the prosecution has feelings they’re trying to suppress for Tanning Chatum (okay, we admit, it’s fun to
say). We accept you, but you have to accept yourself. Now, we can partially agree that Mr. Chatum leaves a bit to be desired when it comes to his acting chops, but
he’s still a young up and comer, and like our assessment of Kristen
Stewart, we still think the defendant has plenty of time and opportunity to grow as an actor. Why lock him up if he hasn’t, in our opinion, reached his
full potential? For now, he looks to be filling a role in Hollywood and is pretty successful at it. We humbly ask the jury for a dismissal so we can give the lad a
few more movies before tossing him in Movie Jail.
IN
CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Tanning Chatum? Is his conviction long over due? Does he still need time to develop as an actor?
And the
most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Tanning Chatum GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?
Let’s
hear YOUR
arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so
relax.
WHAT SAY YOU,
GUILTY OR
NOT?
LAST WEEK’S
VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing
last week’s evidence, the court finds Kevin Smith
NOT GUILTY of all charges. In one of the most feedback’d (that’s a word right?) trials so far, the pro Smith jury voted for his acquital by almost a 3 to 1
marging, pointing to the dedication he has to his fans, and the fact that the man simply has done more good than harm with his career, despite a rocky couple years.
| PREVIOUS VERDICTS | |
| GUILTY | NOT GUILTY |
| Adam Sandler
Eddie Murphy
Vince Vaughn
Tim Burton
The Farrelly Brothers
Michael Bay
Jessica Alba
Ice Cube
Gerard Butler
Halle Berry
Marlon Wayans
Julia Roberts
M. Night Shyamalan
Katherine Heigl
Cuba Gooding, Jr. |
Robert De Niro
Val Kilmer
Nic Cage
John Travolta
Oliver Stone
Ben Stiller
Jim Carrey
Wes Craven
Matthew McConaughey
Robert Rodriguez
Kristen Stewart
Roland Emmerich
Kevin Costner
Sandra Bullock
Hilary Swank
Al Pacino
Keanu Reeves
Kevin Smith |