Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are
Hollywood
writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the
Prosecution and
Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of cinematic inconsistency or on the flipside, consistently being
a stinking
shithouse.
The
Defendant
Cameron Diaz
The
Case
The Prosecution: The Green Hornet, What to Expect When You’re Expecting, The Box, Knight & Day, What Happens in Vegas, The Holiday, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, The Invisible Circus, Bad Teacher *
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, it’s one of those cases where we ponder the career of an actor and wonder where the hell they’ve been. For Ms. Diaz, we were surprised that she was still working at all. Then we quickly realized that not only has she remained active over the years, but she’s remained active in a slew of shit movies. You have to go all the way back to 2005’s In Her Shoes to find a fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and for this we have to move for a guilty verdict. Going by one of the basic principles of Movie Jail, Ms. Diaz started off strong in the 90s mixing up independent projects with comedies and some rom coms, but since the early 00s (oughts?) she’s tapered off into, in our eyes, a fledgling career. Plus, she has Joker mouth. And we find it difficult to connect to anyone with Joker mouth on any level. Lock her up for a few years, whip that ass into shape, and let’s see how she recovers from incarceration.
The Defense: There’s Something About Mary, She’s the One, The Mask, Gangs of New York, My Sister’s Keeper, In Her Shoes, Shrek, Being John Malkovich, Very Bad Things, A Life Less Ordinary, Vanilla Sky, My Best Friend’s Wedding*
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, we simply think that Ms. Diaz has done more good than ill. Looking at the negatives of her career, she hardly seems to be the worst aspect about the subpar movies she’s acted in. The Box was flawed, but that had more to do with the movie itself. Same with Bad Teacher. Even though the film was a mashup of Bad Santa and School of Rock we enjoyed Ms. Diaz as the self-centered, alcoholic substitute teacher. Sure, she’s dipped her toe into the rom com waters a bit too much for our taste, but at least she comes across as genuine and charismatic, unlike some of the other queens of that genre such as Katherine Heigl or Kate Hudson. Early on she mixed up quite a few different genres to show her range, so maybe she just hasn’t found the right script to sink her teeth into yet. Ms. Diaz deserves leniency in this case, as she’s given us a lot more good than she has bad.
IN
CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Cameron Diaz? Is it about time to send ol’ Joker mouth to Movie Jail? Do you feel she’s had a more positive output than negative? Could she benefit from a years in the slammer?
And the
most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Cameron Diaz GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?
Let’s
hear YOUR
arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so
relax.
WHAT SAY YOU,
GUILTY OR
NOT?
LAST WEEK’S
VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing
last week’s evidence, the court finds Anna Faris
NOT GUILTY of all charges. The jury cited Ms. Faris’ likability, on screen charisma and overall hotness as grounds for dismissal. It was also mentioned and agreed upon, that Ms. Faris is hardly bad in any of the “bad” movies she’s been in, thus, absolving her from any blame for said “bad” movies.
| PREVIOUS VERDICTS | |
| GUILTY | NOT GUILTY |
| Adam Sandler
Eddie Murphy
Vince Vaughn
Tim Burton
The Farrelly Brothers
Michael Bay
Jessica Alba
Ice Cube
Gerard Butler
Halle Berry
Marlon Wayans
Julia Roberts
M. Night Shyamalan
Katherine Heigl
Cuba Gooding, Jr.
Tyler Perry |
Robert De Niro
Val Kilmer
Nic Cage
John Travolta
Oliver Stone
Ben Stiller
Jim Carrey
Wes Craven
Matthew McConaughey
Robert Rodriguez
Kristen Stewart
Roland Emmerich
Kevin Costner
Sandra Bullock
Hilary Swank
Al Pacino
Keanu Reeves
Kevin Smith
Channing Tatum
Jennifer Aniston
Owen Wilson Anna Faris |