Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are
Hollywood
writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the
Prosecution and
Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of cinematic inconsistency or on the flipside, consistently being
a stinking
shithouse.
The
Defendant
Owen Wilson
The
Case
The Prosecution: Movie 43, The Dictator, Yogi Bear, Alvin and the Chipmunks, What’s Your Number?, Mama’s Boy, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, The Hot Chick*
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, with the release of Scary Movie 5 last week, we got to wondering what Ms. Anna Faris had been up to since she’s not listed in the cast. She’s a staple of the series, so we took a look at her IMDB page and holy shit balls were we surprised by the amount of utter crap she’s been in. Now we did like Ms. Faris earlier in her career, and felt that she found pretty good work being a utility player in movies like Lost in Translation and her bit part in Brokeback Mountain, but if we’re talking about steadily smelling up the cinemas, there’s no other contender than Ms. Faris. Looks only take you so far, her choices have been abysmal over the last few years, starring in one of the worst movies of last year, Movie 43, which garnered an astounding 4% on Rotten Tomatoes. You can throw a dead squirrel against a window and film it for 90 minutes and it’ll still break double digits on the Rotten Tomatoes meter. A few years in Movie Jail may do the gal some good, and set her back on the path of righteousness.
The Defense: Lost in Translation, Scary Movie 1-3, Cloud With a Chance of Meatballs, Observe and Report, Smiley Face, House Bunny, Waiting *
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, what’s wrong with an attractive lady finding her niche in Hollywood, with certain projects, and running with it? Ms. Faris seems to be keeping busy and having fun with each one of these projects. For how dumb it is, House Bunny consistently entertains us anytime we have to watch it with a chick. It’s silly, harmless fun. She even spread herself out voicing the adorable upstart weather girl Sam Sparks in the fantastic Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs and is reprising the role later on this year. Her most recent film that will be out later this year, I Give It a Year, from the producers of Love Actually and the writer of Borat, has already been released in the UK and received very positive reviews. So why lock up a blonde bombshell like Ms. Faris when it looks like she could have a potential hit on her hands?
IN
CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Anna Faris? Is her track record too putrid of a rap sheet to let her go free? Is she that good of a utility player to avoid Movie Jail?
And the
most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Anna Faris GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?
Let’s
hear YOUR
arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so
relax.
WHAT SAY YOU,
GUILTY OR
NOT?
LAST WEEK’S
VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing
last week’s evidence, the court finds Owen Wilson
NOT GUILTY of all charges. At the end of the day, the jury citied Mr. Wilson’s onscreen likability and charisma, and his contributions with the great Wes Anderson. It’s something we can’t argue over either, so Eli Cash walks away free and clear. I know you, asshole!
| PREVIOUS VERDICTS | |
| GUILTY | NOT GUILTY |
| Adam Sandler
Eddie Murphy
Vince Vaughn
Tim Burton
The Farrelly Brothers
Michael Bay
Jessica Alba
Ice Cube
Gerard Butler
Halle Berry
Marlon Wayans
Julia Roberts
M. Night Shyamalan
Katherine Heigl
Cuba Gooding, Jr.
Tyler Perry |
Robert De Niro
Val Kilmer
Nic Cage
John Travolta
Oliver Stone
Ben Stiller
Jim Carrey
Wes Craven
Matthew McConaughey
Robert Rodriguez
Kristen Stewart
Roland Emmerich
Kevin Costner
Sandra Bullock
Hilary Swank
Al Pacino
Keanu Reeves
Kevin Smith
Channing Tatum
Jennifer Aniston
Owen Wilson |