THIS TOP FIVE CONTAINS SPOILERS! However, if you’re on the fence, or have already watched and want to talk about the series, this list is for you. SANTA CLARITA DIET stars Drew Barrymore and Timothy Olyphant as real estate agents who run into a problem. You see, Barrymore’s characters is getting older and going through … changes. “Like my mother?” “No. No, that’s different.” Barrymore’s dead. Af. She seems good to go though, considering. Happier, healthier, and more productive. Only thing is… she craves meat. Human-meat. Living human-meat. From there things get messy. Labeled a dark-comedy/horror, SANTA CLARITA DIET plays as if John Waters toned it down (a bit) and directed a script written by that one lady… what’s her name…? Jenji Kohan, the writer of WEEDS and ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK. The series plays more suburban-satire than straight horror. But, oh, boy is it shocking. And, boy, is it gooorrryyy. If you dig sloppy, choppy gore, and can handle a bit of ‘soccer mom humor’, then queue up SANTA CLARITA DIET, and watch it with your lady friend. It’s ‘horror’ you can peep as a couple! Boom. I just planned your Valentine’s Day for you. Now let’s countdown the top WTF moments from SANTA CLARITA DIET.
Ah, the sexual innuendos keep flying on this series. Never more so then during the top WTF moment of the series, which comes at the climax (sorry) of the first episode. You see, Nathan Fillion is in this series. Yay. Turns out he’s a sleaze. Like, an uber sleaze. He steals Tim and Drew’s client and tries to get Barrymore in bed. Near the pilot’s end, he shows up in their backyard and attempts to pressure Barrymore to get jiggy with him. She finally “relents” and begins to suck his fingers… here we go… and then bites them suckers off with her big ‘ol pearly-whites. Fillion yells, “You ate my fingers!” Barrymore replies, “I don’t hate your fingers.” Then wrestles him to the ground, Hulk-a-Mania-style, ripping his shirt off and going to town on his chest. Subtle, right? Then Tim comes home, saying my favorite line about “last night being bullsh*t”, walks out back, and finds Barrymore throat-deep in Nathan’s… um… bottom-half… As you can see above, the imagery is none too subtle. The joke is made all the better when, in the following episode, Barrymore tries to console Tim by telling him she only ate ONE of Castle’s balls. That a girl. Way to practice portion control.
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I’m a fan of body horror. I love the films of Cronenberg, and tend to dig flicks like CONTRACTED and STARRY EYES, so I was pleased-as-rum-punch when this little WTF moment came about. Barrymore is taking a relaxing bubble-bath – in the same tub she sliced, diced, and devoured (roughly 2/3’s) of the neighbor in earlier – and she fishes up a pinky toe. With pink toenail polish… Oh, snap. She raises her full footsie out of the water, and finds roast-beef is missing. Dude. That sucks. Not wanting to worry her family, she tries to glue it back on. No dice. She then tries to sew it back on. Turns out she’s not much of a seamstress. The toe falls off. Win some, lose some. She then takes a hammer and nail, and attempts to nail her toe (yep) back on. It goes well for precisely two seconds, and then her baby-toe splits in fu*king half! Shocking, hilarious, and gross as hell, the toe-nail bit is my personal favorite WTF moment of the series. Plus Barrymore’s reaction is her shining comedic moment. Wait, so if I say this bit is my favorite WTF moment, then what could possibly be at number one? Oh, brother, you’ve got to see this sh*t….
Here’s the set-up: there’s a dude named Loki. He’s a drug dealer. Tim and Barrymore try to kill (and eat) him. He gets away. But not before Barrymore bites him. Sh*t. Tim and Drew then gear up Matrix-style to track down and brain-burst the bloke. The two rush into the back-alley building, and… it’s actually a smooth-jazz night-club…. Huh. Turns out Loki found a new lease on “life”, and is an up-and-coming musician (with a great CD called ‘Loki So Alive’). But… now Loki wants Barrymore for himself, so he needs to murder-kill Tim out of the picture. At their house, Tim and Drew are chased into their closet, where – thank God – they keep all their Matrix-weapons! … But their weapons are down in the car. Isn’t that always the way? Earlier they bickered about buying sh*t they didn’t need when out buying their killing tools. Barrymore bought a hairbrush, Tim bought a male-manicure tool kit – complete with scissors. As they are trapped in the closet, Loki comes to call. They surprise him – and us – by double teaming (subtle) the brush and scissors into his human headphones – meeting in the middle. Ouch.
This is the first WTF moment that happens in the series. Barrymore and Tim are showing a house to some clients, and then – boom – Barrymore unleashes a geyser of bile that would put THE EXORCIST’S Reagan to shame. But what’s worse comes later. Barrymore then spends the following montage (off-screen) throwing up torrents and torrents of hot sick. Finally, Tim finds her in the bathroom and it is covered – I am not exaggerating here – covered in vomit. Like a lot. Like an unnatural amount. Like an insane amount. I have only witnessed this much sick in PROBLEM CHILD 2, THE SANDLOT (“You’re killing me, Smalls”), and TEAM AMERICA. Yeah, again, it’s a lot of pea soup.
Let’s get this out of the way right now, Timothy Olyphant (or as Kevin Smith calls him, ‘Timothy Olyphan-tastic’) is the number one reason to watch this series. Case in point: my favorite line was “Last night was bullsh*t.” Funny in itself? Not hardly. But with Tim’s inflection, priceless. Anyhow, this WTF moment comes courtesy of Mr. Olyphan-tastic, and is a classic play on misdirection. The misdirection in this case comes courtesy of a hidden teargas bomb (its a long story). Tim is being harassed by the neighbor – who happens to be a sheriff’s deputy (sucks, right?) and Timmy finally confronts him. Through out the scene, we await the teargas grenade to blow up in their faces. Tight, suspense. Then Tim – out of instant nowhere – goes full South Bend Shovel Slayer on the nosy neighbor, cracking him across the cop-crown. The dead deputy then lands on the bomb – and like a Wile E. Coyote cartoon – it merely fizzles under his weight, goes – poof – smoke rises, and Olyphant Shovel Slayer is left confused. Funny, shocking, and clever, this kill was a terrific surprise. But like many kills in the series, it’s the aftermath that stands out, as Tim and Drew must keep the body hidden from a gaggle of sheriff’s deputy, meaning Barrymore must attempt to eat all 200 pounds of their newly-ended neighbor. In one night. Good luck, Drew. Hope you brought your stretchy-pants.
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