As much fun as it would be to hold your own personal American Idol type search for true love, you might want to send a film crew over to the winners house to see if there are any burlap sacks filled with disfigured men lying on the floor. This chick has some serious trust issues. A random picture of you and some other lady could lead to you losing your arm and having your dog turned into a fuzzy lump of mush. If you make it to the second date I’d advise you skip the flowers and hire a bodygaurd.
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SPOILER WARNING!! Dude, she’s a dude. In a scenario that is played out more often in bad comedies, here it’s just downright disturbing. This movie is the reason, while in dating mode, I went directly to the crotch whenever possible. I needed to know if there was a package down there that needed to be returned to sender. Thankfully, I never found any spare parts but, ironically, my shotgun attitude towards the relationship left me getting dumped more often than Jennifer Aniston.
SPOILER WARNING!! Imagine falling in love with a tight little hottie, losing some weight, fixing your hair, getting a nose job, and dressing better. All seems to be going pretty sweet until she invites you to her big final art class presentation and you realize the subject is you. The personal makeover was nothing but a final grade. It’s not all bad I guess, you got the new nose and shit, but once the humiliation sets in nothing short of murder will take the pain and suffering away. So kill her.
I’m kind of torn on whether or not I’d want to hook up with a mutant. You could knock her up and father the next greatest power in the universe or break her heart and die a most horrendous death. The slightest kiss from Rogue (Anna Paquin) seems to fall in the latter category. While some guys might get a serious case of blue balls from a little grinding, Rogue will suck the life out of you and leave a pile of veiny flesh. Hand jobs aren’t out of the question, with the help of some gloves, but there’s no telling how many condoms you’re going to need if she wants you to pop that mutated cherry.
Under no circumstances should you ever give in to a request for ass implants. Darren (Jason Biggs, again) does. He also lets Judith (Amanda Peet), his new girlfriend, make him quit the band, burns all his Neil Diamond records, pulls him away from his lifelong pals, and gets him new friends with names like Clayton. She does let him go down on her though, until lock-jaw sets in, while her oral talents are limited to sensitive gums. I think I went out with this chick. It sure would explain the speech impediment and chronic masturbation.
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Listen, any time a woman has the ability to throw a shark at you, don’t get yourself involved. I know it sounds ridiculous but this is a rule all men should live by. It makes the chainsaw above seem manageable. There’s a lot of advantages to having a super hero as your lady. Shark throwing is not one of them. I don’t know if you can tell but, in an otherwise mediocre film, the shark scene really stuck with me. In a nightmarish hell kind of way.
When the power of being white is more powerful than the power of love, it’s time to end the relationship. Especially if you’re a black dude. Derek (Ed Norton) goes to prison for trying to impress you by smashing somebody’s face against a concrete curb, takes it in the ass for the better part of his sentence, tries to make a better life for his little brother, and all you do is sell him out the moment he kicks the shit out of your Fuhrer. I wish Ryan Phillippe was in this movie.
If I ever come home early from work and find my wife rocking a porno in bed I just might sit back, de-pant myself, and see how things played out. When the blindfolded naked couple emerges from the bathroom I’ll be glad I bought that gun. Murder charges aside, how do you recover from the fact that your girlfriend is having mystery orgies in your bed when you go out of town? These are the questions I never want to answer.
As you’ll find throughout this list, hot chicks are dangerous. Skimpy underwear and hard nipples are just a cover-up for social retardation and infidelity here as Amanda (Christina Ricci) does everything but remove Jerry’s (Jason Biggs) heart and step on it in order to ruin his life. The witty Woody Allen dialogue only amplifies her annoyance level and manages to bring out a few more woman issues I never knew I had.
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There’s nothing fun about being stalked by a crazy woman two months after breaking up with her. The fact that she’s mentally unstable and physically threatening to herself and anybody within ten feet of her whenever she leaves the house doesn’t win her any points either. Lara Flynn Boyle has never been funnier. In fact, I don’t think Lara Flynn Boyle has ever been funny in anything other than this. In conclusion, I don’t like Lara Flynn Boyle.