What could be so horrifying to a woman in the middle of the miracle of childbirth you ask? Oh. I see you got yourself a bouncing baby maggot there. What the fuck? Seriously, this scene couldn’t be worse to think about when you’re waiting for your baby to come out. But there I was, silently holding my breath as they dug around me wife’s innards, waiting for the doctor hold up some sort of mutated human larvae. Thankfully, the giant bug zapper I snuck in behind my back never had to come into play. It’s charging in the garage though because my wife still wants a another one.
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The first time I watched this scene left a mark somewhere in my brain that, to this day, makes me curl up in a little ball on the floor whenever someone starts coughing around me. I never eat at the dinner table, I never wear white shirts, and I never, ever, stare into giant egg shaped pods from another planet. It’s a secluded life but you get used to it.
If this movie was just this scene it would be in my top 25 of all time. Clive Owen goes from the beautiful delivery of a CGI baby in CHILDREN OF MEN to this shitstorm of bullets and bad-guys with glorified ease. What starts as another innocent night of eating carrots at a bus stop ends up with baby in hand and shooting off the umbilical cord with the same gun you just murdered ten guys with. Based on Johnny Moreno’s life.
Reason number 6 why you should never get raped by an alien. Rules 1 through 5 all involve penis size. It’s bad enough watching a full grown man exit this woman’s vagina as she gets set to wash the dishes, he then has to chew through the cord and slosh his bloody gelatin all over her kitchen. A woman’s work is never done. Actually, hers is – she’s dead.
While the birth of Baby Selwyn is entertaining enough, the conceiving of the little zombie freak is even better. An undead priest and an undead nurse get to getting it on during the most fucked up dinner scene of all time and can’t decide whether to make sweet love or eat each other. Anywhoo, Selwyn comes two minutes later and starts destroying everything in his path. In other news, I got my son a Sumatran Rat-Monkey for his third birthday. Good call?
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If I had mutated kids that were telepathically linked to me and were able to act out whatever negative emotions I wanted, I would think that was pretty sweet. I could have them attack Kobe Bryant’s nutsack with taser guns or show up in the background of ‘The Hills’ and start fire bombing random cast members. My first order for them though, would be to get a towel and clean themselves up. You couldn’t get me to lick off the afterbirth if she was giving birth to ten pound diamonds.
This is by far the sappiest I’ll ever get in this column. Having Kee deliver the first baby in nearly two decades, smack-dab in the middle of a British uprising, and watching as all the soldiers and rebels stop fighting when they hear the baby crying is enough to buckle any tough guy. Ironically, when my baby cries, sometimes my wife and I start a war and then she says we’re not having sex for two decades. Weird.
This is one of those scenes that kept popping into my head as I sat and waited for both my sons to pop out. I can’t help it, there aren’t many situations in life where I don’t imagine zombies showing up. This is why I have a chainsaw in my truck and an axe under my bed. My wife coughed in her sleep once and almost lost all her limbs.
I wasn’t going to include this scene until I watched it again while doing research. It’s not so much the actual birth itself that makes it memorable, it’s the friends in the waiting room (Paul Rudd, Jason Segal, Jonah Hill, Jay Baruchel, Leslie Mann, and Martin Starr) that sell it for me. Especially Jonah Hill, the guy just nails every line he has with horrific perfection. The pinkeye caused by someone farting on his pillow only adds to my enjoyment.
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Watching Norman being born into the hands of a bumbling Billy Crystal was almost enough for me to quit eating meat. Almost. Watching Jack Palance shoot Norman’s mom in the head afterwards was depressing, frightening, and bad-ass. There’s no emotion to describe that. It’s the exact same way I felt at the end of SEVEN. Add that to your fact jar for a rainy day.
Not actually on the list because it’s not actually a birth of any sort. The family passing by thought so though, and that’s why it’s so goddamn funny. Honestly, this might be one of the funniest moments in film for me and just another reason I’ll never jump off the Jim Carrey bandwagon. Also, he talks with his ass.