Talk about saving the best for last! There’s no way in flame-roasted hell we’d fail to include at least one dose of estrogen to this here party, and thanks to the gorgeous daisy-duke sporting nubile twins Tina and Terri (Carey and Camilla More) in FRIDAY THE 13TH IV: THE FINAL CHAPTER, we get a delectable double helping! Damn I love these gals! I mean, what’s not to adore. These chicks shotgun beers, slow-grind on the dance-floor, skinny dip with agog, bike-ride in low-cut skin-tight shorts. Hell, one even entertains a hankering for Jimmy (Crispin Glover) and his arrhythmic avant-garde dance moves. Trooper!
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Boy oh boy does the lovable loser and inveterate practical jester Shelly in FRIDAY THE 13TH 3D get a lethal dose of his own medicine. You know what’s up. After taunting and teasing his entire crew to the point of unbearable annoyance, even using the now iconic hockey mask to scare the ever loving piss out of poor Vera, old Voorhees soon gorily dispatches Shelly and abducts the mask for what would be a 30-year reign of terror. Worse yet, since Vera was so inured to Shelly’s obnoxious jocularity, she hasn’t the wherewithal to duck Voorhees’ whizzing harpoon shot soon after donning the mask.
Goddamn, Corey Feldman’s 80s genre movie run is nothing short of legendary. GREMLINS, THE GOONIES, STAND BY ME, THE LOST BOYS, THE BURBS…and of course, it all started with the monster-makeup fetishist Tommy Jarvis in FRIDAY THE 13TH IV: THE FINAL CHAPTER, still my all time favorite franchise entry. Not only does Feldman boast a precocious presence and clear charisma, his character’s love of all things monster-related is an easy way to all of our hearts. But more than just a fun-having kid, Jarvis’ role becomes quite complicated by the films finale, during which Tommy snaps and bursts into a Jason-like trance of unremitting carnage!
For my money, it’s hard to top Ethel, the foul-mouthed hick-heathen of a mama in FRIDAY THE 13TH V: A NEW BEGINNING (“shut up and eat your f*cking slop!”), but if there’s one equally abysmal wretch in the house, it has to be old dopey Joey. You know…the bumbling, slow-drawled, chocolate-stain wearing grown toddler that saunters his way around Camp Crystal Lake. That is, until he gets on Vic’s nerves a little too heavily, and soon ends up hacked up to pieces with a wood-axe. Of course, only hardcore fans know that the “Victor Fadden” sign in the bathroom was not a clue regarding the killer, but a simple in-joke shout-out to a friend of the director’s brother.
Oh dear. Crispin Glover’s spastic, convulsive dance movies in FRIDAY THE 13TH IV: THE FINAL CHAPTER are ones for the books! But hey, at least he got laid by one of those smoking hot twins, right? Right before catching a cold meat-clever hard across the face. Really, it’s pretty crazy to think Glover would go on to play papa McFly just a short one year later, as here he’s pining over his virginal angst with the equally droll actual LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN Ted (Lawrence Monoson). It’s always fun to watch their awkward teenage interplay before each meets their grisly demise.
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Anyone ever notice how Broken Lizard’s SUPER TROOPERS totally bit one of the early gags from FRIDAY THE 13TH 3D? Think about it. The scene in which a van full of hash-heads getting their bong rips on are hastily forced to ingest their entire drug stash when a blaze of gumball lights and police sirens come screaming in behind them. Yup, that’s the entire opening in SUPER TROOPERS, just taken to the extreme. Anyway, I always get a kick out of watching these two Cheech and Chong rip-offs so hilariously out of place at camp Crystal Lake. They fire the herb, pop some corn, use the outhouse and WHAM…lethally ripped!
Don’t look now, but that’s Bernie Lomax without the crustache! You know, the slimy and unthinkably abusive step father/psychiatrist of Tina in FRIDAY THE 13TH VII: THE NEW BLOOD? Yup, that’s Lomax a year before playing dead in WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S! Anyway, I can never get enough of what a first-rate asshole this guy is in the film, how he at no time shows any redeeming qualities whatsoever. Dude’s a controlling tyrant who tries to use Tina’s extrasensory powers for his own good, and even sacrifices her mother’s life for his own safety. Of course, this all warrants one of the best payoff kills of the entire series when Dr. Crews is mowed under a hand-held brush-hog.
Say what you will about JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY, you can’t quibble with the fact Creighton Duke brings immeasurable gravitas to the proceedings. Who the hell is this guy! Ever since that great introduction in the jail cell, where he earns the wonderment of Steven Freeman, this dude owns more f*cking scenery than the National Park Service. Props are in line for Steven Williams for bringing such utter cool to the movie, even if he does get the ever-bubbling life bearhugged the hell out of him when the real Jason Voorhees stands up and puts the f*cker down!
Ok, so Cort’s your typical mid-80s douche-rag. Got it. Peep the feathered-mullet flirtation, the earring, the cutoff v-neck sweater, the headphones…dude’s an 80s high-school jock-boy hipster if there ever was one. Yet, dude clearly knows how to party! Ever the life of the crowd, this is proven when he whisks one of the sexy brunettes from CAN’T BUY ME LOVE into the woods in a RV camper, cranks the metal to volume 10, gets his bone on, and just as he thinks he’s escaped a brush with danger…uh uh…Voorhees appears and jousts a hunting knife plum through the back of his head.
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Good old Stu Charno, a ubiquitous face seen in a bevy of 80s horror and teen comedy flicks alike (CHRISTINE, ONCE BITTEN, JUST ONE OF THE GUYS). But make no mistake friends, his very first movie was FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2, in which he plays the lovably wacky Ted. Remember, this dude’s a full on goof ball, fooling around with scary masks, telling horribly bad jokes, even spearheading a trip to the local tavern to get one last night of beer-guzzling in before a summertime of work. Old Stu just has one of the faces you can’t shake very easily. And he survives the movie!
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