Holy fuck is this a shockingly, mind-bogglingly bad movie. And at once could mark the end of Wally Pfister’s directing career before it even took off, as well as perhaps the death of Johnny Depp’s legitimate acting chops. I mean…uh…just…WHOA!!! This is a monumental train-wreck of A-list proportions, which makes the catastrophic result all the more disappointing. I mean, this is Chris Nolan’s longtime DP at the helm, with Big John Depp in the driver’s seat, together tackling a prescient topic like technological singularity. And yet, I’ve seen better film on a 60 year old British crack-head’s grill-piece!
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And to think, I actually had this sappy-teeny-bopper-horror-bore-fest on my most anticipated flicks of the fall list. What a sucker! Now, I did preface it with the proviso that I knew full well that it was, at best a guilty pleasure, at worst exactly what it turned out to be…a flaming pile of poop! An utterly asinine Hasboro horror movie, one that has a collective AITH review-rating of 3/10 (The Arrow hated it, giving it a 2/10, while E.Dub was a tad more generous with his 4/10 score). Flat, inert, with zero memorable moments, not even the cute nubile cast could save this inept piece of PG-13 pabulum.
As some might call the rapturous televisual counterpart to HBO’s The Leftovers, the silly B-grade action-thriller LEFT BEHIND has the added benefit of headlining the motherfucking Turkey King. That’s right, my man Nic Cage! I honestly still can’t believe this flick, likely as a result of the social media craze it stirred up during production, actually played for a time in theaters. Crazy! But make no mistake, when you’re a star of Cage’s wattage, and you bust a bible movie that squeezes out a 2% on Rotten Tomatoes and a 12/100 on Metacritic…that’s Turkey a la King!
Not like we had a ton of high expectation for this PG-13 January dump-job, but when the most disturbing aspect of your picture is Aaron Eckhart’s abs, yeah, that’s a Motherf*cking Turkey right there! Shame of the highest degree on writer/director Stuart Beattie, who not only continues to have a cushy career writing huge tentpoles, but actually has far better and more worthy past writing credits on his resume (COLLATERAL, DERAILED, 30 DAYS OF NIGHT, etc). No excuse for heinously morphing a legendarily beloved horror character into a mascara-wearing, feather-haired He-Man only out to flex for fawning pre-teen girls. Disgraceful!
And the award for dumbest deadly doll movie of all time goes to ANNABELLE, another inert festival of dismal stupidity that came out this year. Nothing happened in this goddamn movie! Big deal, so a f*cking oven pops on and some lights go out every time the doll shows up with a sinister grin plastered on its mug. That’s supposed to scare people? PUH-LEASE! Nine year old girls must be insulted by how ineffectual that damn doll is…never moving, talking, doing anything but looking and summoning evil. I expected a little more from a varsity letterman in producer James Wan. WTF!
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Ah yes, just when you thought it couldn’t come any stupider from the guy who almost released his first feature as 5NAL DESTINATION, we present you the even more insipid and brainless natural disaster flame out INTO THE STORM. What a crock of hot dung! Seriously, for a movie to cost $50 million and still have CGI tornadoes so woefully phony and embarrassingly fake looking as this, well, everyone from the studio-heads to the director to the VFX crew ought to be ashamed. Really, I’ve seen better work on green-screens at a f*cking head-shop! Get it together Quale, or your ass is bagged!
Of all the overcooked Turkeys on our menu, this one might have left the bitterest aftertaste. I not only had really high hopes for DEVIL’S KNOT, here at AITH, I invested quite a lot of time and effort making sure people tried to see the flick. Extra sad, and downright inexcusable to boot, that the movie – about the real life tale of the West Memphis Three – was made by the Oscar nominated Atom Egoyan, with Oscar winning actors Colin Firth and Reese Witherspoon. And yet, the movie as a whole fell flat, doing almost as much of an injustice as that dumb ignoramus of a judge back in 1994 (okay, not that bad). Go see the Paradise Lost docs instead!
You’ve gotta be f*cking kidding me! 117 years of Dracula fiction and this is where we’ve currently found ourselves. With the wonderfully tame and totally forgettable DRACULA UNTOLD? Jesus Christ, where’s Ann Rice when you need her! I swear, so long gone are the halcyon days of Max Schreck, Bela Lugosi, Christopher Lee, Klaus Kinski, Frank Langella, hell, even Gary Oldman – that I can’t even recognize the character anymore in its current iterative state. Enough already with the foppish metro-sexual hair models! We need not only a harder character, but an actor with enough weight and charisma to honor the tradition and restore order!
Can anyone actually recall what DEVIL’S DUE was about? Can you cite a single character’s name or a solitary standout scene? Didn’t think so! DEVIL’S DUE, DEVIL INSIDE, HERE COMES THE DEVIL, THE DEVIL’S KNOT…all these damn movies eat more ass than Asa Akira! What gives?! Anyway, DEVIL’S DUE is a classic case of a throwaway January release from a first-time filmmaking team. Rote, uninspired, completely ordinary in every way imaginable, which is even more baffling when considering this is one of the few flicks on our list to rock an R-rating. Missed opportunity to say the least, a massive waste of time to say the most!
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Normally third time’s a charm, right? Not even close to being the case for V/H/S: VIRAL, the deeply disappointing anthological trimester that just came out last month. The culprit? Well let’s start with, who the f*ck are these directors? Nacho Vigalondo I know of, and even like (TIMECRIMES yo!), but who the hell are the other dudes? Really! Anyway, officially mustering a paltry 4/10 from our man E.Walk – that’s two whole review points lower than both of its predecessors (I even gave VHS-2 a 7/10) – V/H/S: VIRAL proved to be anything but. What’s the opposite of viral? Bacterial?
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