This just in: when you’re a sleazily perverted, teen-targeting, wise-cracking, dream-terrorizing accused pedophile – yup – you get the gold crown for #1 asshole-bastard to ever face off with Mr. Voorhees. The irony, Freddy Krueger’s melted char-faced visage could actually use the benefit of the horrific hockey mask, as he’s actually somehow uglier than Jason’s deformed facade. No small feat. And while a fairer mirror match might have come by pitting Jason vs. Michael Myers – both silent, slowly lumbering masked-men with equal lethality – props to the scribes of JASON GOES TO HELL for germinating the seed of an idea by having Freddy’s crusty claw climb out of the underworld to pull Jason down with him. No props for those who failed to deliver a sequel to what became a Top 25 all time grossing R-rated horror flick. (And yes, Jason WINS in FvJ!)
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Is that…is that, yup it’s Bernie Lomax minus the foul 1989 coke-stache! Indeed friends, Terry Kiser spent the year before ODing in the Hamptons and parading around as a corpse at Camp Crystal Lake, playing Dr. Crews, the lecherously abusive step-father/psychotherapist to young Tina in FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE NEW BLOOD. Man this guy is eminently loathsome! He cons, manipulates and berates his telekinetic step-daughter to no end, uses a lady as a human shield and pushes this unforgivable asshole behavior to the point of genuinely rooting for him to suffer the grisliest of demises. All gratitude is owed to Jason V, as he all but one-ups his legendary sleeping-bag fatality by revving up the brush-clearing tree saw and shredding the bad doc to death!
You’ve heard of fighting fire with fire, right? How about fighting slime with slime! This is what ultimately goes down when Jason and the unsuspecting crew of students deboard for MANHATTAN in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VII. The nefarious, ulterior motivated sleaze-hound chaperone Charles McCulloch – who is unwilling to believe his own niece’s scarified experience in Camp Crystal lake, but who IS willing to sleep with a female student of his in exchange for a better grade – gets more than he deserves when meeting his masked-up maker in the Big Apple. Jason stalks the uptight sumbitch into an old building, hoists the sucker out of window onto the pavement, and when seeing he hasn’t died, picks the louse up and drowns him in a steaming vat of toxic waste. No, you’re right, he actually deserved worse!
If you’re looking for a first-rate, grade-A douche-fist, few rank more supreme than the aptly named Trent, the resident yuppie asshole we all couldn’t wait to die a glorious death in the remake of FRIDAY THE 13TH in 2009. I mean, dude looks like the captain of yachting team for f*ck’s sake! Really though, this punk is such a hated caricature that we could almost tell from the instant he appears onscreen that he’d be subjected to the most viciously fatal form of Voorhees wrath. And when it finally comes to fruition, we bust into a jig like Willis in THE LAST BOY SCOUT. Never before has seeing Jason impale a deserving youngster felt so damn good!
F*cking hell, the venally exploitative “Professor” Lowe deserved a far more graphic demise than was depicted in JASON X. He really did. Alas, this secret-keeping creep who unwittingly boarded a spacecraft with a crew of youngsters, only to later learn of Voorhees’ invaluable infamy and subsequently plan to sell Jason’s fetid corpse to the highest intergalactic bidder…is far too jerky to enjoy an off-screen death. Straight up, he ought to have been given the liquid-nitrogen-face-shattering that his prized intern Adrienne fell victim to. This bastard keeps his knowledge of Jason’s terror away from his students, allowing them to grotesquely die one by one, and worse, threatens to endanger entire planet in so doing. Low indeed!
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Strike one up for the odiously unscrupulous newsman Robert Campbell in JASON GOES TO HELL, the ratings-starved TV anchor willing to do anything necessary to keep his bosses’ advertisers happy. And by anything, let’s be clear, this asshole was down to date a young lady simply in order to get closer to her mother, who just so happened to be the sister of Jason V. If that wasn’t skeevy enough, this clown pilfered the mom’s dead body in order to punch up the salacious nature of his news story. Weasel! Thankfully the body-snatching Voorhees imbued his even darker soul into the sucker and implicated Campbell as a mass murderer. Hey Bobby, you can GO TO HELL too!
We get it, pretty much everyone who encounters the dunderheaded, candy-bar inhaling Joey in FRIDAY THE 13TH V: A NEW BEGINNING wants to kill him, but damn, this ultra-aggro alpha dude Vic actually went through with it…in broad daylight no less. First degree axe-murder is alone a surefire dick move, but when you consider how the act directly inspired a copycat killer in Roy (Joey’s father), who would go on to don the infamous hockey mask and do his best voracious Voorhees death-march…yeah, Vic earns double asshole honors. Ironically, Vic escapes certain death and, we assume, remains alive in the Friday the 13th universe to this day.
At first blush, you can’t really blame the biker gang trio of Fox, Loco and Ali for trying to punk Shelly in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART III. The dude was such an easy mark. But after the nerdy loner stands up to the leather-clad crew and impresses Vera, the grudge-holding biker bastards follows the kids back to camp, siphon gasoline from their Dodge Ram with intent to burn down the barn. That’s revenge overkill yo! Luckily our masked maniac treats them in kind, first pitchforking Fox in the throat and pinning her to a support beam, then treating Loco in similar fashion. As for Ali, he puts up an admirable fight, but is soon bludgeoned with a pipe-wrench and left for dead. Shockingly, he sprouts back up in the final few minutes of the film, where Jason almost seems annoyed he didn’t get the job done in the first place. He then excessively brains and bashes Ali’s life away for good!
Oh to live in the mean-girl-teen-world of 1988. There have been a lot of catty young gals to disgrace the F13 corpus over the years – Tamara from JASON TAKES MANHATTAN comes to mind – but few have flashed a more stuck-up, conceited and uppity attitude than Melissa in F13 PART VII: THE NEW BLOOD. This pearl-wearing hifalutin socialite not only verbally degrades and demeans our final girl Tina (Lar Park Lincoln), she makes overt attempts to steal her boyfriend away from her as well. Whatta bitch! Good thing our antihero Jason Voorhees recognizes this and gives her a double dose of deadly doom by first planting an axe-head plum in her cranium, then by rag-dolling her across the room and into a TV set like an anatomical dummy. Which it probably was!
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We have the back of young Crispin Glover as Jimmy in FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER, especially when he’s subjected to a rash of juvenile hectoring by his so called pal Teddy, the pocket-pool-playing slime-ball pictured above. This kid is annoying to no end, deflecting all of his own sexual insecurities on Jimmy in an attempt to make his friend feel bad and make himself feel good. Oh but that karmic justice is a beautiful thing. Not only does Jimmy get the girl out of his league, Teddy ends up spending the night all alone, watching antiquated porno reels until our man Jason shows up and back-stabs the jerk!
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