Simply put, if Mike (John Favreau) didn’t have Trent (Vince Vaughn) to pull him out of his sad existence 30 to 40 times a day he’d probably be dead by now. That’s because Mike is money and nobody knows it but Trent. We all need a friend like T to hook us up with all the beautiful babies, tell you when it’s okay to call them, make sure you don’t become friends with them, and make Gretzky’s head bleed. And if all that fails, there’s always Vegas. Vegas baby! Vegas!
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Donny (Steve Buscemi) might be good to hang around with to tell somebody to “shut the f*ck up” once in a while but Walter (John Goodman) …… man, Walter is in a league of his own. He’ll get you a toe with nail polish on it by 3:00, if you need it. He’ll pull out the hardware mid-frame just to make sure everyone is following the rules. He’ll go head to head with three nihilists for the hell of it. He’ll even roll on Shabbos if it means life or death and he does it all in the name of friendship. Remember that the next time your buddy makes you replace all the beer in the fridge you drank.
The guy has the answers for all of life’s problems. Best friend’s girl just dumped him? Bring him to the mall. Hungry? Get some chocolate covered pretzels. His own girl leaves him? F*ck her in an elevator later that day. Friend’s girlfriend’s dad being a dick? Stink-palm him. Can’t win on a cheesy Dating Game rip-off? Host the Tonight Show. There’s nothing too big for Brodie (Jason Lee) to overcome unless it’s getting those damn kids off the escalator and the awe of the psychic with three nipples.
He’s the “record shop guy” that everybody loves to hate. Self righteous, snobby, critical beyond belief. When your life is as sad and drab as Rob Gordon’s (John Cusack), you sometimes need an asshole like Barry (Jack Black) around to tell it like it is. Even if that means costing your place of business hundreds of dollars in sales. He works for free, his band is called Sonic Death Monkey soon to be Kathleen Turner Overdrive and for one night only was referred to as Barry Jive and his Uptown Five (it doesn’t get much cooler than this), and he can belt out Marvin Gaye songs like an honorary Motown member.
What do you do if your best buddy just got fired from a shitty job, had absolutely nothing planned for a Friday night, and needs someone to sit on a porch for 12 hours with? You sit your ass on that porch, pop some 40’s, and give him drugs. Almost getting him killed by dope dealers and having him fight the scariest man in the country is something Smoke (Chris Tucker) throws in for free. This is the closest Hollywood gets to portraying my real life best friends. Pooping in the ally and all.
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Everybody wanted to jump on Dirk’s (Mark Wahlberg) giant package when it was rising to the top (could that sentence be any worse?), but only one guy was there when things went limp (again, sorry). Reed (John C. Reilly) added some quality supporting roles for Dirk when times were great and then stood by him as he slowly slid into the pits of hell via cocaine and drive-by tug jobs for money. Watch the scene where Dirk decides to record a cover of that song from THE TRANSFORMERS movie and ask yourself if your best friend would do anything but beat you senseless let alone dance like a retard in the sound booth.
This soft spoken drumming machine can make any guy feel normal. He’s there when you need a side kick for your TV show, he’s there when you need someone to play goal in street hockey, he’s there to distract the psycho ex-girlfriend, and he’s there when Rob Lowe tries to steal your new girlfriend. Garth (Dana Carvey) is all game – no fame when it comes to keeping excellence throughout the universe.
Anybody who has ever had a job serving the public wishes they had Randal (Jeff Anderson) by their side. The worst video clerk know to man has a special ability to piss on any and all annoying customers who cross his path while still making Dante’s (Brian O’Halloran) life seem worthwhile whether it be by an in-depth discussion about the contract workers on the Death Star or consoling him after his girlfriend has sex with a dead guy in the bathroom. We all need to have these talks once in a while.
Rarely do you find a friend that is so awesome you keep him around after he’s dead. Ed (Nick Frost) has a list of qualities that even the laziest of slobs could only imagine; days spent on the couch playing video games and eating ice cream, nights spent at the Winchester drinking pints and munching on pig snacks, off hours you can find him dropping silent but deadly farts, looking at his cell phone, and killing zombies.
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The guy is constantly sick, gets no love from his father, and is so filled with anxiety that getting out of bed each day is a major issue. That doesn’t stop Cam (Alan Ruck) from showing up when Ferris (Matthew Broderick) needs him most, making a legendary fake phone call to Principal Rooney, and stealing his dad’s precious 1961 Ferrari 250GT. If they ever do make a sequel, I’m pretty sure he’ll still be grounded.