So kick back, chill out, stir a cocktail, twist a doob…it’s summertime…and we have a Top 10 Beach Horror Hottie list for y’all to enjoy. Slam it up top!
Accept it if you will, fathom it if you’re able, believe it or not…the gorgeous Miss Halle Berry is only about 10 weeks away from turning 50 years old. And you know what, the older the Berry the sweeter the juice! Seriously, even at half a century, I’d honestly prefer a roll in the sand with you Halle than any of these other lovely lasses. That perfect face, that ageless body, that aspirational skin-tone, you are and have been the Hollywood personification of pure beauty. The gold standard indeed. Here’s to another 50 years of inextinguishable heat!
Truth be told, this is the one photo not taken from the flick in question, but Katrina Bowden’s 2012 FHM photo spread remains far more smoldering than her blood-soaked garb in PIRANHA 3DD, so here we are. Ever since breaking out in TUCKER & DALE VS. EVIL and upping the temperature as a doctor in NURSE 3D, Bowden has become quite the ascending sexpot scream queen. That said, it’s indeed her insatiably horny turn in PIRANHA 3DD…in which a toothy little man-eater dwells in her cooch…that stands out as equally alluring as it is disturbing.
Now that’s a tall glass of all ass! Seriously, anyone know Blake Lively’s height? I’ve seen shorter NBA players for crying out loud. As we look that up for ya, it’s time we ogle at the statuesque blonde and her well defined curves as she’s set to face off against yet another human-hungry great white shark in this year’s THE SHALLOWS. As you can see in the photo above, Blake’s packing major heat…in more ways than one. Oh. okay…got it, Blake stands at a towering 5’10”. Whatever the measurements, this chick’s got more bust than the hall of fame!
My oh my, who wouldn’t want to peruse Melissa George’s land down under? Shoot, this Aussie hottie has been on the genre map for years now, stripping down to her skivvies in such water-logged horror flicks as the paltry TURISTAS in 2006 and unparalleled TRIANGLE in 2009. Look at her in the former above, her supple tatas unshackled and ready for some deep sunning. That’s a four-alarm firestorm right there! And hey not for nothing, but here’s a secondary shoutout to George’s TURISTAS costars Olivia Wilde and Beau Garrett…the bikini-clad lookers in this article’s introductory image.
Hey now, Where in the Horror is Kelly Brook? Is she still acting? At last blush, the buxom British birdie was adding little chickadees to the nest. The role of a lifetime indeed! But coming in second is that epic underwater clam-bash between her and XXX star Riley Steele in PIRANHA 3D. The stuff wet dreams are made of! For that inexhaustibly hot mash-up, we salute both Kelly and Riley, even if their sexy moves weren’t quite adept enough to survive the original and appear in the sequel. How about a reunion in what we’re now pitching to SyFy or The Asylum, PIRANHA-ZOMBIE. You know you want it!
Saffron Burrows – the six-foot tall British model-cum-actress – somehow rocks that rare combination of classical beauty and sultry sexiness. Thing is, the genetically engineered sharks in DEEP BLUE SEA don’t give a good goddamn…they just want bite, rip and shred the poor gal for lunch. Can’t blame them. Nor can you Renny Harlin, who so clearly exploited Saffron’s sexiness by stripping her out of her wetsuit and lensing her bra-clad muffins from above like a down-shirt leering perv. This shot makes us feel like George McFly up in the tree…a peeping tom!
Not sure about you, but we’ve always harbored a bit of a soft spot for Sara Paxton and her tireless genre exploits. The poor girl – who’s actually the 7th cousin of Bill Paxton – got put through the ringer in LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, showed off a cute little pixie-cut in THE INNKEEPERS, and of course, wore the shit out of that blue bikini in the risible SHARK NIGHT 3D…in fact the films only redeeming quality. Peep those glistening abs and luscious melons as she learns a passel of backwoods rednecks have concocted a vile plan to kill off annual tourism. The real SHARK NIGHT for bay area natives…game 3 of the NHL finals!
We’re tracking a perky little nip – strike that, a blip – off the radar via Sharni Vinson in BAIT 3D…yet another insipid killer shark flick that features a harem of endangered young Aussie hotties. We first caught a glimpse of Vinson as the blood-caked final girl in Adam Wingard’s YOU’RE NEXT, but it’s indeed in BAIT 3D that Sharni really flaunts her God given goodies. Hell, not even Brewmeister Snake Venom has six-packs that stiff! Up next for Vinson is a South African set horror joint clled FROM A HOUSE ON WILLOW STREET.
OH HELL NO! No really, that’s the oft-heard theater blurt that serves as the subtitle for SHARKNADO 3…an utterly needless flick whose only real gift to mankind is Cassie Scerbo’s turbo tits. Good lord! Not for nothing, but since there’s so goddamn many of them, we thought at least one aquatic horror joint from SyFy ought to be invited to this here summer beach bash. And no, Tara Reid wasn’t even considered. Not shocking, right? Well not as shocking as the fact a 4th SHARKNADO flick is due later this summer, or that the fact a documentary on the entire franchise, HEART OF SHARKNESS, came out last year.
The two sweaty derelicts aside, look how fine Cameron Richardson appears to be prior to plunging headlong into the deep of OPEN WATER 2: ADRIFT. Chick’s a fair-haired firecracker! The 5’8” Louisiana native also donned the bikini (okay, her bra and panties) in the Fox whodunit show Harper’s Island, the killer of which I was proud to have correctly guessed in the pilot episode. But beyond the self-back-patting, Cameron is poised to appear in the 2016 horror flick THE LEGEND OF ALICE FLAGG. Good deal, we need more Cam on cam action!