Last Updated on August 3, 2021
1. Alabama – TRUE ROMANCE
Not only because she’s a hooker, it’s because she’s an ass-kicking, smoking hot, surprisingly faithful, sadistic hooker. I ask for this every year. Look, when your birthday present can screw your brains out for an hour and then get up and kick the shit out of Tony Soprano, you’ve hit the jackpot.
2. A Good Guys Doll – CHILD’S PLAY
The thought was there. How are you supposed to know he’s a homicidal little maniac? Where’s the warning on the box for that? Imagine a CHILD’S PLAY-TOY STORY crossover movie. Who do I have to kidnap at Pixar to make that happen? It will happen. It will.
3. A Game – THE GAME
I only added this because it’s a great movie. In all honesty this might be the worst gift ever. Ever. What happens when that clown scares me to death? Literally freaks me out until my heart stops? How’s your little “embrace life” party at the end of the night then?
4. A Funny Black Guy – THE TOY
I don’t even remember if it was this kid’s birthday or not. Whatever…… it was. I dare you to watch this film and not be surprised at how racist it is what with it’s modern day slavery and abundance of Confederate flags. And then you find out the kid turned out to be a porn star in real life. Fun for the whole family.
5. The Truth – LIAR LIAR
This is pretty cool and all, and it makes for a funny movie, but if you find the one magical birthday cake that actually grants wishes wouldn’t you be pissed you didn’t ask for a trillion dollars? Or a Buzz Lightyear?
6. Jake Ryan – SIXTEEN CANDLES
It’s even sweeter for Sam when you remember that everybody forgot her birthday and she actually got fuck-all. That moment above though, Sam couldn’t care less about presents, she’s so wet they had to throw that table away in the morning.
7. Buzz Lightyear – TOY STORY TRILOGY
Andy doesn’t even know that he can really talk, save his friends, do the Tango, and pimp on cowgirls – and he’s still something I would have killed for when I was young and annoying. Seriously, I would have killed you.
8. Their Life – THE OMEN
I love how unimpressed Damien is when this chick kills herself. What, exactly, do you have to get this kid for him to be happy? And imagine you’re just walking in with a specially wrapped bunny rabbit coloring book. Dammit, I knew I should have got that bucket full of eternal darkness.
9. Cowboy Gil – PARENTHOOD
Is it a good thing when Cowboy Dan shows up and your dad kills him, takes his place, and does awesome shit for the rest of the day? You bet your ass it is. Especially when all your friends go home and tell their parents your dad killed somebody at your party. Instant badass.
10. A Bread-maker, with 3 Speeds! – OLD SCHOOL
I have a buddy that was married for two days. True story. I always wondered what he did with all the useless gifts he got that night. I would have had no problem had he re-gifted the $250 I plopped in his envelope to my kid on his next birthday. He didn’t, and he’s getting married again next month. I think we’ll call it even.
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