Last Updated on August 5, 2021
1. Titty Twister – FROM DUSK TILL DAWN
Is it a coincidence that Salma performs at two of the clubs on my list? No, grow up. I’d love to find out how long I could last in this place. I’d borrow my dad’s bike, wear my leather high-school basketball championship jacket (it has a scary green griffin on it), and stock my fanny-pack with ninja stars. Something tells me I wouldn’t be around for vampire happy hour.
2. Double Deuce – ROAD HOUSE
I would actually pay a cover charge to get beat up by Sam Elliot’s mustache. Literally have him beat me into a bloody pulp on the dance floor while I was giggling with delight.
3. Mos Eisley Cantina – STAR WARS
I love how droids aren’t allowed in but you can basically bring your choice of death weapon with and kill anybody you want. What the hell kind of life-shattering experience did the owner have with the family droid when he was a kid? And Han Solo hangs out there.
4. Porky’s – PORKY’S
If only so I can challenge the record spit of 44 ft, 61/2″ by Sam “Big Clobber” Puckett. Fuck Big Clobber. I’ve been training my whole life for a shot at the title. I’ll give YOU a night to remember, Pork, you fat bastard. Why am I so angry?
5. Ink & Paint Club – WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT
I walk into a bar and Daffy Duck is having a spirited round of dueling pianos with Donald Duck – I’m probably never leaving. What’s next? Is He-Man going to arm wrestle Popeye? This is awesome! That Rabbit bitch is hot as shit! Totally wasted.
6. The Winchester – SHAUN OF THE DEAD
This truly is the type of pub I visit now. And if the end of the world was upon us, there’s no other place I would rather make a last stand. However, there’s no guns at my local dive, just a singing mounted fish above the liquor and the same four fat guys at the bar every night. They smell like burnt sausage. And rum.
7. Coyote Ugly Saloon – COYOTE UGLY
I actually went to a Coyote Ugly in Chicago a long time ago and found myself within the plot of this film. It was this hot little chick’s first night on the job and you could see how frustrated she was getting because of her stupidity. Not sure if this was in the film but she screwed our drinks up all night, never got on stage, and dropped my plate of nachos on a midget on his way to the bathroom. I liked our movie better.
8. Korova Milk Bar – A CLOCKWORK ORANGE
What do you have to do to get kicked out of this place? I need to know because one laced glass of “milk” and I’d probably lose my shit and end up trying to fuck one of those tables. Is that frowned upon? So many questions. I should start doing drugs.
9. Studio 54 – 54
I was too young for the whole disco/cocaine explosion of the 70’s but there’s no doubt this was the place to be for that scene. Imagine a place where drug dealers, hookers, pimps, a-list celebrities, and respected thespians all hung out and got wasted every weekend. I wish a place like this existed today. And so does TMZ.
10. Rick’s Cafe Americain – CASABLANCA
There might be a little too much politics for me to get a good buzz going but, then again, it could be exactly what I need. I got a refugee looking to flee to America on one side and a Nazi General on the other – either one of them starts telling me their problems and I’ll drown myself under the tap.
Honorable Mention: Blue Oyster Bar – POLICE ACADEMY
It’s probably not somewhere I would frequent but there’s no denying the amount of partying these dudes do. It didn’t matter what time of the day someone from the film was tricked into going in there, they were always ready to lead your ass through the El Bimbo tango in their assless chaps.
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