Last Updated on August 3, 2021
1. Spinal Tap – THIS IS SPINAL TAP
I expect everybody to be completely wasted by the time we get to the end of the show so there’s no better time to bring out the band that seems the best in that atmosphere. It might be impossible to watch this movie all the way through without being high or drunk as shit. Same rules apply here. You’ll remember the whole night as being amazing while we drive away and giggle with all your money. On Spinal Tap’s 73rd encore everybody will be passed out. Success.
2. The Blues Brothers – THE BLUES BROTHERS
Nobody is dead at our concert (time machine, remember?). You need to remember this, specifically for this performance. This is not the sequel Blues Brothers, it’s the real deal. So strap on your shades, tilt your douchey hat to the side, and get ready for some OG white-boy soul searching.
3. Marvin Berry and The Starlighters featuring Calvin Klein – BACK TO THE FUTURE
Marty could never be too loud for this audience. His balls-out guitar skills will surely bring down the house as we approach the final few acts. It’s in his contract to have all his shit in order before showing up though. The last thing we need is to have one of our main attractions start disappearing because he banged his mom again.
4. Stillwater – ALMOST FAMOUS
I don’t know if they’re going to like the fact that I’m going to make them sing “Tiny Dancer” for the entirety of their set. Considering they don’t even really perform the song in the movie this might seem a little odd. It’s my favorite part though.
5. Cell Block 4 – CB4
By the time CB4 hits the stage and sings “Sweat of My Balls”, there will be no turning back. Seriously, we’re locking the gates and nobody can leave. It’s risky throwing a rap group right in the middle of a rock/soul festival but we’re hoping MC Gusto’s gun can persuade the audience into clapping for them.
6. Sex Bob-omb – SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD
We’re going to have these guys on the second stage all night as to separate the hipster teenage douchebags from the real music lovers. They can somewhat enjoy the music while being sad and stuff. Adults will only wander through there when they want drugs.
7. Eddie and the Cruisers – EDDIE AND THE CRUISERS
I freaking loved “On The Dark Side” when I was a kid. I was bouncing around the walls, dancing like a pathetic white kid for hours while listening to this song. In the time that it’s taken me to write this paragraph I have already downloaded it and listened to it twice. Back in the day I had to constantly rewind the movie to play it over and over until my mom wanted to watch her shows. Her shows were shit.
8. The Commitments – THE COMMITMENTS
If I can get them to stay together for at least one set it’ll be nice to have a little White-Irish soul to get things grooving early. And I just want to drink with these maniacs backstage. And fight them.
9. The Tri-Lambs – REVENGE OF THE NERDS
These guys are like a festival within themselves. You got a little Trans-Siberian Orchestra mixed with a touch of rock & roll, and all held together by the gayest rapper in the world. Has there ever been a gay rapper for real? What does he rap about? Enlighten me.
10. Wyld Stallyns – BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE
You know this band is mandatory because of it’s significance to the future existence of the human race. A future that exists as a utopian society due to the inspiration of the music and wisdom of the Two Great Ones: Bill S. Preston, Esq. and “Ted” Theodore Logan. Also, I need their time machine phone booth to get all the other bands together.
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