I like to eat. You can imagine the appetite I’ve worked up roaming around this fucking maze of terror all night. So when I get to the buffet room I don’t even think twice about sitting down and stuffing my face. As Johnny Surprise-Eyes gnaws his way up to my neck I throw down a couple more grapes, close my eyes, and wait for the alarm.
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The child in me wants to play with his clever little balloon animals. The pussy in me wants to curl up in a ball and make the bad man go away. Let me get this straight, you’ll paint my face if I let you psychologically annihilate me and then devour my body after transforming into your true hideous form? Can you paint me like Spider-Man?
All night long I’ve been hearing, what sounds like, a thousand little legs scampering all around me. I usually don’t have a problem with spiders. However, a giant boney hand-spider that wants nothing more than to fuck my mouth? Problem.
From the upstairs bedroom I can hear Zelda demanding her dinner. I scoop a couple handfuls of Melty dog on to a plate and ascend. Just watching her writhe around on the bed makes me want to tear my flesh off. By the time she springs out of bed and makes her way toward me I decide to kill myself when I wake up. This can not be unseen.
I escape the house of horrors and find myself in the middle of acre upon acre of ass-raping woodland. I’m violated numerous times and left on a piles of leaves with splinters in places no man should ever have to use tweezers. The trees lead me back into the house while snickering and calling me a slut.
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I call out to my childhood puppy to offer me some comfort. Out comes melty dog and my psyche implodes. He slithers over to his water dish as I form my noose out of my shoelaces. Just writing about this scene makes me want to jump off a building.
Things start to look up as I stumble upon the random naked hottie asking me to get it in. A couple pumps in and I realize I’m balls-deep in the world’s tightest sarlacc pit. As she makes her way up my torso I give Chatterer a high five for getting laid. He likes to watch.
There’s this box sitting in the middle of the room just asking to be cracked open. Sooner or later my curiosity will get the better of me and I’ll get dead. What was this thing’s problem by the way? You’d think it would be grateful for someone letting him out of a 4×4 box. Instead he just rips their face off and eats them. Back in the box with your bullshit, bitch. I’m really tough in these dreams.
I finally get the old lady to stop busting my balls and this freak sneaks up behind me. What the fuck? Is he eating his own face? What makes things worse, I’ve always imagined he wore a mask and played the role of The Gimp in PULP FICTION. He wants to kill me with the butt sex.
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Never even met the woman, yet there she is, judging me for all the horrible shit I’ve done over the last 38 years. “Oh, Jimmy, why you poop your pants at the Cheech and the Chong movies? You killed me, Jimmy. You killed me.” Leave me alone you creepy bitch. Where’s my fucking pillows?