Much like Tom Selleck, Sam Elliott is synonymous with mustaches. I could have pretty much any movie from his filmography (except ROADHOUSE) as an example of his fine stache, but the cowboy character he portrayed in THE BIG LEBOWSKI is the epitome of his facial hair at the peak of perfection. As The Stranger, Elliott had to embody the cowboy we all associate him with and hot damn if he doesn’t look and sound the part. The Dude may use a lot of cuss words, but f*cking A if that is not the best movie stache of them all.
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Ron Burgundy is a king amongst men. If this mustache had a name, it would be Sex Panther, except it works 100% of the time, 100% of the time. Obviously, ANCHORMAN is mocking the retro news anchors that Burgundy represents, but that mustache cannot possibly be a joke. That is a fantastic stache that I am sure grew in overnight. I would be very disappointed to learn it was a stunt stache. Please, don’t tell me if it was. You would shatter my hopes and dreams that such an amazing feat of facial sculpting was the result of a special effect.
In a movie full of mustaches, Kurt Russell’s stands alone. Sure, Val Kilmer’s Doc Holliday has a fine stache, but it is too creepy and sweaty to be awesome. Sure, Sam Elliott rocks the stache, but we will come back to him later. Kurt Russell’s mustache is fully loaded and magnificent. I swear to God, this dude’s cock has got to have sideburns. That is one crazy thick mustache. I envy it to the end of my days. Damn you, Wyatt Earp and damn you, Kurt Russell.
Not a great movie, but definitely the best live action Captain Hook. Sure, Jason Isaacs portrayal is more menacing, but Dustin Hoffman imbues a creepy pedophile vibe that emanates right through his mustache. The curled edges are a perfect mix of Bill the Butcher and the Disney version of Hook. Without the mustache, HOOK is nothing. A perfect example of how the stache makes the character.
One of the greatest actors of our generation, Daniel Day Lewis has a knack for pulling off upper lip hair like none other. I was tempted to go with THERE WILL BE BLOOD, but Daniel Plainview’s mustache is kind of ordinary. Bill the Butcher is a dirty bastard who finds time to make sure the tips of his stache are waxed and curled because you don’t want to chop somebody (or some body) without looking damn fine. A dandy wrapped in a cold-blooded killer, this is one stache you don’t want to f*ck with.
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Tom Selleck and his mustache are like peanut butter and jelly: they just go together. Whenever Selleck has shed the pushbroom he has just looked like there was a blank space above his mouth. Another example of where any movie could have been chosen as the example, but I went with RUNAWAY. A personal favorite, RUNAWAY was a Michael Crichton scripted and directed flick about Selleck battling a bad guy (Gene Simmons…yes, that Gene Simmons) who had robotic spiders and other cool toys. Cheezy as hell but one of the rare action roles for Selleck that does not suck. Respect the Stache!
There was a photo of Clooney in Vanity Fair sporting this mustache, making him the spitting image of Clark Gable. But, instead of using the power of the stache to film a romantic epic, he used it for the Coen classic O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU? I loved every single second of this movie. In fact it made me want to be a Dapper Dan man, especially if I could pull off the pencil thin upper lip. But, having tried the ER era Clooney haircut and failing miserably, I stayed away. But, the stache will live on in cinematic history forever. First with Gable and now with Clooney.
There is something menacing about a bald head and a full mustache. It tells me this dude is fully capable of growing hair on his head but chooses not to as a means of intimidation. BRONSON is the Tom Hardy role most people have not seen and really should. The real guy is a maniac but the movie version is an acting achievement. Strange, frightening, and hilarious, BRONSON owes a lot to this stache. The waxed tips just give that extra “don’t f*ck with me” edge.
A perfect example of how a mustache can portray a villain perfectly. Stiller’s role as White Goodman is intrinsically linked to his feathered hair and this Motorhead/Frank Zappa-esque stache. Without the mustache, the character would have just been Ben Stiller. With it, White Goodman is the equivalent of a Cobra Kai sensei, but with a dodgeball instead of any actual skills.
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While technically not just a stache, Wes Bentley’s portrayal of HUNGER GAMES designer Seneca would not have been much to write home about if not for the bizarre shape of his beard. The curves and twirls definitely showcase the decadent nature of the Capital in the film, but for the rest of us it serves as a reminder that if you spend close to an hour perfecting your facial styling, you should probably recheck your priorities.
Salma Hayek is one of my all time favorite hotties and it speaks volumes that she is still incredibly bang-able even with a mustache and beard. While her facehugger may not be the most well-groomed of them all, it is certainly impressive. Okay, now I am getting worried because I have a half-chub going on and I don’t mind. Moving on…