Frankly, I’m of the opinion that you should be avoiding ALL malls this shopping weekend. Why put yourself through all that hassle when you can stay home and get some great shopping deals online from your pals at JoBlo.com (*cough*shamelessplug*cough*). But after your turkey-induced coma has worn off, if you absolutely must venture out into the wild to find the craziest bargains being offered, I’d make sure to avoid these shopping malls. From robots to cyborgs to a dickhead Robert Downey, Jr., you’re putting yourself in some serious mortal peril by shopping at these establishments.
Even if you’re not at Romero’s zombie-filled shopping paradise, you probably will feel like you are at the end of Black Friday. Mindless drones stumbling to and fro, grunting and ready to attack anyone at a moment’s notice. And the end of DAWN OF THE DEAD (spoilers) is usually what happens after a long day of holiday shopping – you contemplate suicide before you hop in your ride and escape to an uncertain future.
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“Where shopping costs you an arm and a leg!” Haha, great tagline CHOPPING MALL marketing team! But when these blood-thirsty killbots wreak havoc on the unwitting shoppers (or, in this case, horny furniture store employees), you don’t want to be anywhere near their lasers. Unless you have a can of paint, which oddly enough, seems to be their weakness. Someone forgot the “Caution: Wet Floor” sign. (Uh-oh, I think I just came up with an idea for CHOPPING MALL 2 with robot janitors…)
This is technically not a mall, but it’s close enough. They go through the toy section, the sporting goods section and even the hardware and home improvement section. And unless you want to be pelted by tennis balls or chased by a Gremlin with a chainsaw while defending yourself with a measly baseball bat, you’d be wise to avoid this establishment. Unless, of course, you have a Mogwai who knows how to drive a Barbie convertible.
“Baby clothes.” “This place has got everything!” While that may be true, Jake and Ellwood Blues, on the run from the cops, pretty much lay waste to all things shopping in this scene from THE BLUES BROTHERS. It starts in the Toys R Us, goes through a formal wear store, past Disco Pants and Haircuts, sideswipes Davidson’s bakery, through Frank’s Drum Shop and that’s just the first half. By the time Jake and Ellwood make their escape, there’s not much left standing of the Dixie Square Mall.
John Connor is not yet the savior of all humankind. He’s still a little dipshit who hangs at the mall with his ginger friend and plays video games at the arcade. The T-1000 is no dummy and knows exactly where to find this mallrat. If you’ll remember, some of John’s punk friends rat him out to the T-1000 but Ginger doesn’t even bat an eyelash when he sees the photo of John – “Nah, I don’t know him.” Good friend, Ginger. Luckily for John (who’s too busy playing After Burner), he’s got a good friend and a Terminator who hides a double barrel shotgun in a dozen roses. That’s when the shit goes down in the back hallways, eventually spilling out in a guido men’s store.
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One of the biggest bitches about the holiday shopping season is finding a damn parking spot. I’ve almost come to blows with someone during a turn signal stand-off. “This spot is mine asshole.” But you’re definitely going to want to avoid a mall that has Libyan terrorists driving around recklessly, firing automatic weapons and shooting a rocket launcher (!!) at a Fotomat. Add to that, speeding DeLoreans that leave flaming tiring tracks and a potentially unstable supply of nuclear-grade plutonium and you’ll want to steer clear (no pun intended) of Twin (or Lone) Pines Mall.
One of my least favorite parts of shopping are those f*cking kiosk attendants who chase you with perfume or lotion or heating pads or whatever. Listen to me closely: I don’t want any of your crap. Moreover, I don’t want you rubbing your crappy, germy hands on mine. Case in point: Stink Palm. The revenge tactic made famous by Jason Lee in Kevin Smith’s MALLRATS includes putting your hand down the bank of your pants, in-between your stinky buttcheeks and then using your now-E.coli-ridden fingers to shake the hands of your enemies. Every time I see an outstretched hand at the mall, this is what I think of.
You’d think with the holiday spirit and everything, there’d be a lot of candy canes and mistletoe in the atmosphere as you do your shopping. Sadly you’re more likely to have someone step on your face. Such is the case in JINGLE ALL THE WAY as Arnold Schwarzenegger battles a group of fellow parents (among them, Sinbad) to get the last Turbo Man doll for his son. The holiday shopping at the mall is so frustrating, Arnold punches an actual reindeer in the face. Seriously.
Mall cops are a notoriously bizarre bunch, none moreso than Paul Blart and Ronnie Barnes. For Blart, he’s just the kind of guy you want to avoid (like all Kevin James comedies). But if Blart is drunk on power, Ronnie Barnes is positively wasted. Shop at his mall and run the risk of getting tazed, run over or beaten with a skateboard.
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Malls are full of assholes. Motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads to paraphrase FERRIS BUELLER. But it’s another 80s movie that summed up the 80s mall asshole perfectly. Nerds Gary and Wyatt are just starting to feel good about themselves after creating the perfect sex machine in Kelly LeBrock. But as they bask in their glory, Ian and Max (Robert Downey, Jr. and Robert Rusler) literally look down on them from above and dump a cherry Icee on their heads from the second floor. Where’s mall security when you need it? Speaking of…