This is most likely the fastest kill on the list, but it is also the most shocking and unsettling. We are watching the video camera’s POV of someone quickly pushing a running lawn mower across the lawn. He’s mowing and he’s mowing and he’s mowing and oh shit! he just went over someone’s body that was just lying on the lawn in the mower’s path! This kill actually made me jump in the theater. The gradual build up to it was masterful. The body comes into the frame out of nowhere and your mind instantly registers the horrible death it was treated to right as it’s happening! It Is So Awful..ly Great!
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Sinister could have taken up most of this list as the whole movie is based around these authentic-looking, disturbing kills. However, in order to be fair, I only selected a couple. This particular kill opens up the flick and in a matter of seconds gives you the impression of the kind of chilling thrill ride you’re in for. Yes, it’s pretty creepy to see four people standing next to a large tree with sacks over their heads But when all four get harshly hoisted up by the nooses around their necks and start kicking around until they eventually are hung, it’s damn unnerving.
Cabin in the Woods was my favorite horror movie this year. It was without question a more than welcome love letter to the often maligned horror fan from one of our genre’s greatest minds, Mr. Joss Whedon (he made some other flick this past year too, I think). By the time we reach the flick’s finale, we are all aware that every possible scary, horror-film-esque entity that you could possibly imagine is being stored in a small closed in cube waiting for its chance to kill. And as the tables get turned on the cabin’s “operators”, we get treated to one massive mass kill. A group of SWAT team-like officers are standing within a hall lined with elevator doors. Ding! The doors open, unleashing the monsters who go on to conduct a bloody symphony of a massacre!
If there’s one thing the Collector always brings without fail in his movies, it’s a crop of satisfying and crazy kills. And, man, does this sequel start off on a grand, splat-tastic note! As a bunch of annoying hipster twenty-somethings are out on the dance floor grooving like geeks, a wonderfully sick trap is set in motion. A large and lengthy stretch of rotating blades is lowered from above that literally mows over the crowd like fleshy pieces of grass! Body parts and blood explode all over the place! It’s a hipster hater’s wet dream!
Okay, regardless of the fact that a crappy version was made with Sly about 17 years ago, this lean, mean Dredd should have been a much bigger hit. If this kill scene was shown as the only advertisement for it in every theater, I do believe it would have found a vast audience. We are treated to a slow motion work of violent art as Dredd and his rookie partner bust in on a bunch of evil druggies and open fire with their futuristic guns. We get to watch with glee as the bullets move patiently into the bad guys’ faces and chests and then pass right through in an explosion of red. It’s a wondrous sight to behold.
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Ho ho holy shit! Who would have thought that this loose remake of the 1984 classic would be so loaded with copious cool kills! But my favorite was the one involving the wood chipper. Even though it was already done in Fargo, I just can’t deny how deliciously devious and disgusting this kill is. Plus it involves a lovely topless woman running around in her panties. That evil Santa is chasing her through some abandoned Christmas tree lot. She hides and it is all quiet… and then she hears the rumble of that wood chipper being flipped on. Before she knows it, she’s got her leg chopped off below the knee and Santa is picking her as well as her severed appendage up. First the leg is thrown down to the wood chipper and it is shortly followed by our still topless, screaming lady who goes down into the bowels of the thrashing chipper in a bout of bloody, bombastic bravado. The blood getting sprayed all over Santa’s white beard is icing on the cake.
I’m not sure how many of you saw this movie, but damn, is it one slam-bang, fast-paced ride! Plus, it is loaded with rapidly choreographed fights to the death! The best, of course, was saved for last where the main baddie is taking on our two heroes in a martial arts master fight without any wires or film trickery. Near the battle’s close, one of the heroes stabs the baddie right in the side of the neck with a long, broken florescent bulb. Does that stop him? Nope. He’s one bad ass mother-f*cker. He continues to fight hard with the bulb sticking out of his neck and his blood emptying out of the hollow tube. It’s quite a sight, especially when our heroes finally take him down and one of ’em drags the bulb across the rest of his neck.
This exemplary horror movie had an abundance of great kills and great horror baddies, so don’t be surprised if it sneaks up on this list a second time. For now, I just had to pay tribute to the hilarious and wholly bloody death brought about by, of all things, a merman monster! I loved this kill because it was perfectly set up with another funny bit at the flick’s beginning. All Bradley Whitford’s character wants is to someday see a merman get picked to pop out and play their little cabin game. Well, he finally gets his wish in the most ironic manner possible. Whitford gets pinned down in the crumbling control room and as he lies there on the floor, here comes Mr. Merman crawling towards him. His reaction is priceless and the merman’s method of killing creates a glorious fountain of gore.
Hey, look! It’s Adam Levine of Maroon 5 right there in the opening scene of the season premier of American Horror Story: Asylum. Hey, look! He’s married to Magic Mike’s real life wife and they’re going to explore the rundown asylum on which this show is based. Hey, look! Ol’ Adam’s reaching inside some locked door and… holy shit! Something just ripped off Adam Levine’s arm! Maybe someone really hated all those lame tattoos he’s got on it that don’t in any way make him come off as a real rock star?! Regardless, the dude just got violently violated on basic cable! And, just a short while later, we see Mr. Bloody Face, the show’s resident slasher, end God’s mediocre gift to pop music with a round of harsh stabbings! Bravo!
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I’d like to start off this list with a death that should make any sane, horror-loving person stand up and cheer. The Twilight saga is officialy dead! No more sparklingly pathetic vampires! No more dorky, shirtless werewolves! No more of that lip-biting, dead-eye staring, home-wrecking whore! No more cheesy dialogue and shitty special effects! Stephanie Myers can go f*ck herself! She created this horribly written series and deserves to burn in hell for it. Or maybe she thinks she’ll sparkle in hell? I don’t care. I’m just so glad that the final installment of this shit series was flushed into theaters this year and is now free from tainting our cinemas from now on!
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