Now originally I was going to go for the best the Earth had to offer in one list, but I had more than I could handle just looking under the waves. So this week we’ll focus on seabound critters, and with the next list I’ll send you the land based nightmares.
For now, enjoy, and if you’ve had the misfortune to run into any of these aquatic badasses, or run into something equally distasteful that isn’t listed, spit bullets below!
There are so many things to hate about this sunuvabitch. Their bone structure is light and flexible so that they can consume prey twice their size. Their teeth are angled inward so that they don’t get in the way of eating, but prevent prey from escaping. And let’s not forget the fleshy growth from their head that makes them a living member of the Cronenberg catalog. That said, the way they mate is even more disturbing, as the male fuses with the female and slowly degenerates into nothing but a pair of sperm producing lumps stuck to her skin. Have fun with that one ladies.
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Sure these are relatively small fish and aren’t considered harmful to humans, but just look at this ugly bastard, and then remember that, “In adults, the largest two fangs of the lower jaw are so long that the fangtooths have evolved a pair of opposing sockets on either side of the brain to accommodate the teeth when the mouth is closed.” Yeah.
Seriously? I mean, seriously? WTF nature? Did you anticipate the whole destruction of the ozone thing and start populating our watery depths with all manner of insanity to greet us when we have to leave our scorched earth behind for your cool blue waters? ‘Cause if so, well done. I may never even step foot in a puddle again after looking at this affront to non-hideous things the world over.
How sweet. They’re called stargazers because both eyes are on the top of their head so they’re always looking skyward. Of course so is their mouth to help them snag prey which they ambush from below after burying themselves in sand. And they’ve got venomous stingers. And they give off electric shocks. Plus word on the street is they’ll make fun of your mamma while they destroy your ass. Just straight up meanies.
Hardly anything is known about these jelly skinned buggers outside of the fact that they are waaaaay too long for a fish, and they lack an anal fin (which I have no idea whether that qualifies as good or bad for fish). But anything this large, that looks like an oceanic tapeworm and is shrouded in mystery gets a first class pass into my nightmares.
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I was going to avoid anything that is a fairly normal creature, but c’mon man! This isn’t a giant squid. It’s a colossal squid. Just look at that thing! I don’t really have much more to say on the matter. Clearly sometimes nature just likes to f*ck with the size doesn’t matter crowd.
Not only does this scary looking beast sound like a mega ass kicker, it also has the look of a Troma brainstorm put through heroin withdrawal. On top of that, since looking mean and ready to rumble doesn’t get you all that much cred in the lightless depths of the ocean, DF also has a super power. This not to be trifled with fish emanates a light on a wavelength that other fish at that depth do not register. So it has a spotlight to help with hunting and evasion that the other predators and prey aren’t even aware of. Awesomely unfair advantage.
Aww, how did this cute widdle guy end up on the list? Simple, he earned it. About the size of a golf ball, this eight limbed death bon bon has a venom that not only kills humans, but also has no known antidote. And did you notice how effectively the tiny death machine blends into the environment? This is one midget octo-ninja you do not want to screw with.
These bad boys are known informally as ghost sharks. Because y’know, ghosts and sharks aren’t terrifying enough on their own. Personally, I am of the opinion that they should be known as OMG WTF IS THAT! Strangely however, the scientific community has so far not approached me in regards to species names. Haven’t a clue as to why.
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Most of the entities on this week’s list are deep sea creatures, which is good, because nobody would ever f*cking go swimming if we were likely to run into any of these bastards. Like our friend here with the loosely hinged jaw, that is nearly 1/3 of its body. Since the damn thing grows to over 3 feet in length, that’s over a foot of chompity chompity going on. No thanks.
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