HORROR TEN SPOT: Top 10 Loveable Killers

September 4th 2008, 8:06pm

Last Updated on August 3, 2021

Gotta give it up to AITH reader James Ramsay for this week’s awesome idea. There’s plenty of beasties, bad guys and beauties in the horror universe that are happy to separate peeps from their mortal coil, but a fun and unique subsection are those psychos that are just plain adorable.

They run the gamut from furry creatures to animated pastry, but one thing remains consistent. All that wanting to be closer to these suckers will get you is dead.

So throw on some Weezer, grab your best emo wear, and get ready to mix death with a great big “Awwwwww.” Of course that doesn’t mean you should take it easy on spitting those bullets below!

1. Gage Creed, PET SEMATARY

To this day when I see this kid I want to grab my Achilles tendon for protection. It’s hard to imagine any kid so damn squeezable who could possibly be so devastating with the killing. But here it is for all to see, enjoy, and most likely cringe from. A perfect marriage of menace and cuteness. I don’t agree with those who think it’s a great movie, but Gage is a part of the argument in favor of that opinion that I’m 100% behind.

2. Gremlins, GREMLINS

Start with Gizmo. End up with Stripe. Personally I’d love to see the Giz go through that grand change of life too, but that’s probably asking too much for his fans to forgive. Fortunately both movies in this series let us see a steadily escalating number of Mogwai’s go bad, and rein holy hell all over anything they can get their long leathery fingers on.

3. Grizzly Teddy, DEMONIC TOYS

I love this sucker because he starts out looking like Teddy Ruxpin and ends up turning into one bloodthirsty, badazz papa bear. I get an unreasonable amount of joy watching a teddy bear end people’s lives. It just seems to serve ’em right for turning such a dangerous and magnificent creature into a cuddly widdle toy.

4. Damien Thorn, THE OMEN

Charismatic. Innocent. Loving. Spawn of the devil. Plus he does glower a bit more than the average tyke. Oh, and there is the issue of that birthmark. What a kid. I mean, if Gregory Peck can’t find it within himself to do what needs to be done, what possible chance would we mere mortals have. None I tell ya. None.

5. Tooth Fairies, HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY

Has the first volley of an evil scheme to destroy the world ever come in a cuter carrier? Especially given that Guillermo did his usual tweak of a well-known myth, making it scarier and meaner than anyone had ever thought to make it. How can you not want to snuggle one of those suckers, that is until you realize they could easily chew your balls to shreds.

6. The Grady Twins, THE SHINING

Yeah, I know that as creepy as they are, they aren’t actually killers. In fact they’re victims, but here’s the thing. They’ve become a part of the evil of The Overlook Hotel, so in a roundabout way they ARE gonna getcha. Besides, evil or not, there’s no way that one look from those buggers doesn’t cause at least 70% of the people who see them to have a heart attack on the spot.

7. Dilophosaurus, JURASSIC PARK

Newman bit it hard when he got himself gnawed on by this beastie, but hell, you know you wanted to pet it too when the damn thing started that adorable trill/coo/gurgle sound. Spielberg is obviously great at confounding expectations to achieve scares, and he pulled a wicked double switch before pulling the Fat Man’s card.

8. Gingerdead Man, THE GINGERDEAD MAN

I don’t know which is more genius. The idea of an evil cookie, or the decision to cast Gary Busey as the psychotic confection. Either way, you can’t help but feel safe around one of the favorite snacks of your youth. But you’d be wrong, because this sweet tasting sadist will shoot you, cut you, even (shudder) make you look funny. That’s one bad ass dessert.

9. Masks, HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH

What a sweet little pumpkin mask. Put it on Jimmy. Stand next to the T.V. Now let’s get a picture…what’s happening. Oh my God where are all those snakes coming from. Ahhhhhh! F*cking laser beams! Run!

10. Critters, CRITTERS

Sure we all know now that a big bunch of teeth and creepy eyes are what await you if ya run into these particular fur balls, but the Critters seem about as threatening as a Tribble until they get ready to chow down on you. Plus, if you did manage to train one you could use it to eat up any yippy dogs you come across. Good family fun.