HORROR TEN SPOT: Top 10 Girlfriends

March 26th 2009, 3:04pm

Last Updated on August 3, 2021

Chicks in horror flicks are often little more than Bantha fodder, there to get naked and then get dead. Preferably with the greatest creativity possible in both instances. Which makes it all the more notable when a lady shows up who is more than just arm candy and makes you think, “Damn, wish she was MY girlfriend!”

Of course, there’s no specific formula for what makes a great horror girlfriend. But it certainly helps if the lass possesses a healthy sex drive. And is able to keep her cool in a tough situation. An ability to kick some ass is also a major plus.

Usually I tell ya to spit bullets if you think I’ve missed any that should have made the list, and feel free to do so, but don’t be shy to also let us know why your lady is a perfect horror GF!

1. Julie Walker, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, PART III

Hard to fulfill a horror fantasy better than a super hot chick who is happy to get naked, has a serious S&M fetish, and loves you enough to not eat you when a soul consuming desire to eat brains overtakes her. Of all the ladies on this list, Julie is easily the most tragic figure because she knows what is happening to her, knows the futility of fighting it, yet keeps plugging away because she’s a good person, and she’s in love. Poor damned zombie hottie.

2. Starla Grant – SLITHER

One of my favorite ladies from recent genre efforts by far, Starla Grant is pretty much summed up in the statement, “Bitch is hardcore.” She also has plenty of complexity in the context of the movie since she’s filling the role of ex-girlfriend, wife, and potential love interest all at the same time. Plus you know she’s got one helluva gag reflex if she can kiss Grant Grant as he turns into a giant slug…let your imagination wander.

3. Cynthia Cindy Cronenberg, NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

I’m just gonna quote my colleague Eric Walkuski here, “cute as a button AND straps on a flamethrower”. Seriously, could you ask for anything more? If so, you’re too f*cking picky.

4. Lisa Carol Fremont, REAR WINDOW

No reason that we can’t drop a little classy on this list. Especially since most girlfriends would just leave the crippled bastard who starts wielding tales of midnight murder. Instead Ms. Fremont is all into what Jimmy’s up to with his binoculars, even when it includes the chick exercising in her underwear. The possibilities are endless!

5. Lori Desinger, NIGHTBREED

Would your girlfriend go into Midian to save you? Probably not, eh? But Lori just took her perky little butt into the lions den and took care of business. Of course we know now that it’s the humans she has more to fear from than the “monsters”, but that doesn’t take away from the sheer plucky bravery that she exhibits in this flick.

6. Liz Sherman, HELLBOY

Truly a case of two beings who were meant to be together. Is there any other coupling in the world that could work for these two? I doubt it. What’s really great about Liz is the inherent sweetness beneath the anger and frustration. That and the fact that she’s literally the hottest girl in the world.

7. Molly, IDLE HANDS

Flirty, kinky, and willing to start making out almost immediately after being freed from car bondage. It’s like Molly came right out of my fevered imagination. I’m not sure that she’s the kind of chick you’re going to want to spend your life with since there’s not much going on beneath the surface, but who cares in the here and now when you’ve got your hands on an ass like that?

8. Erin, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake

The jeans and the shirt are pretty much reason enough to include Ms. Biel’s character. And there’s the cowboy hat too. At this point I’m smitten. But wait, there’s more! She’s the one in this puppy that keeps her shite together and makes it out alive. You have to love that sort of gumption. The fact that it comes in such a lovely package is just a very impressive bonus.

9. Star, THE LOST BOYS

If you gotta get dragged down with a bunch of dirty vamps, at least let the girl who is tempting you look like this. Jami Gertz as a half blood sucker who digs the new boy in town too much to make him her first kill is ample reason to love her. And then since she doesn’t kill him she f*cks him. From there it’s team up and take those full blooded night stalkers down. Nice!

10. Tiffany, BRIDE OF CHUCKY

A big part of the reason that Tiffany made this list is because she’s sexy in human and doll form, plus I get a serious smile on my face every time I imagine her being unleashed on those Sex And The City bitches. The upside to her is obviously the strong homicidal streak, but unfortunately that same single minded fury is also aimed at the whole “are we getting married” thing. Plus, to Chucky’s detriment, she’s got a bit of a conscience. Still, she’s pretty damn great.