HORROR TEN SPOT: Top 10 Cannibals

March 12th 2009, 2:37pm

Last Updated on August 3, 2021

As Spring hits it is hard not to have your mind turn to nubile flesh and all the things that can be done with it. Like eating it!

Not like that you pervs. I’m talking about a more wholesome pursuit – cannibalism! Nothing like some human on human snacking to really put perspective on what’s important. Namely not getting your ass eaten by psycho foodies with non-discriminating palates.

Not much else to say but this, if you see any of these f*ckers walking your way, run away fast. And as always, if I miss a favorite flesh eater of yours, then spit some bullets and help rectify the situation.

1. Kevin, SIN CITY

In the history of terrifying motherf*ckers, who’d a thunk that Elijah Wood would have a place at the top of the list. But he does. His portrayal of Kevin in Sin City is one of the most eerie things I’ve ever seen. Not only is he brutal and cold in life, but in death he manages to be even scarier, smiling away as he’s eaten by dogs. We are talking significant soul damage captured perfectly on film.

2. Hannibal Lecter, SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

Obviously Dr. Lecter is the most famous and popular cannibal in movie history. He noshes on the rude, inconsiderate, and just plain untalented. The creepiest thing here is that he’s looking at you, me, and everyone around us as a potential delicacy. Nothing more. Just kind of a flesh-filled truffle. Given how fastidious he is, I do wonder what kind of toothpaste gets the taste of human out of your mouth.

3. Farmer Vincent’s customers, MOTEL HELL

It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters! Easily the most “fun” flick featuring cannibalism, this is another case where a “secret ingredient” turns innocent people into human flesh cravers. Certainly this should make you all much more careful about buying any roadside proteins. Unless of course you’re hoping to get lucky.

4. Colonel Ives, RAVENOUS

This underappreciated gem is one of the first films on the list to deal with cannibalism as a non-survival choice. In this case it’s all wrapped up with the Native American Wendigo mythology, and really comes down to what would you do for power. Almost a vampire story, but much more brutal. And listening to Ives taunt Boyd as they are dying together at the end, promising to eat Boyd as soon as he dies, is a fittingly f*cked up ending to a relentlessly f*cked up movie.

5. Leatherface and Clan, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

Hard to imagine any roadtrip that hasn’t been affected by a firm determination not to end up fodder for some creepy, off-road, inbred clan that you have the misfortune to run into. And we can all basically thank Tobe Hooper for that. Taking a largely ridiculous concept and turning it into a common fear is some serious business.

6. New Yorkers, SOYLENT GREEN

“Soylent Green is people!” Probably Charlton Heston’s best line that doesn’t involve damn, dirty apes. The well known twist ending is still cool, even though SNL has more or less ruined any chance of surprise for fresh viewers. It’s not a perfect movie by any means, but it does manage to turn the entire population of NYC in 2022 into accidental cannibals. Not too shabby.

7. Nick and Lily, PARENTS

The truly awesome thing about this scenario is that you’re supposed to be able to count on your parents to have your best interests at heart. So when it turns out your parents are psycho, man-eating nutballs, their perspective on your best interests probably diverges from yours. A very twisted tale that’s funny as hell. If you’re into that sort of thing.

8. Londoners, SWEENEY TODD

The amount of unwitting cannibalism on this list is a little disturbing. I don’t want to spoil the rest of the list, but suffice to say there are at least a couple more instances where peeps are eating peeps with no idea that what they’re ingesting is so thoroughly f*cked up. I love this example because it’s like finding out that the new hot spot in town is baking up your neighbors. Bon appetit

9. The Pack, THE HILLS HAVE EYES

Here’s another case of survival adaptation at work. I mean you’re not exactly rooting for The Pack, but you’re not totally against them either. It IS the only landscape they know, and food is hard to come by. Plus, who doesn’t have a little extra sympathy for folks screwed by the government these days?

10. Cannibal Tribes, CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST

While CH is graphic as hell and is all about cannibal tribes, its denizens are really just doing what the society around them is doing. The point being that eating peeps in this flick, while certainly disgusting, does not destroy the boundaries of the social contract like in some other films. Still – bad tribespeople!