HORROR TEN SPOT: Top 10 Biters

January 30th 2009, 1:07pm

Last Updated on August 3, 2021

Every once in awhile I get a bit stuck on what to do for the list, but usually inspiration in some form strikes. This time it was my two and a half year old son sinking his teeth into my shoulder from behind that got me thinking about horror biters.

It’s a nasty business getting killed that way. All chomps, grinds and chewing while you suffer excruciating pain and a not at all quick death. In other words total genre awesomeness!

So check out a bunch of creatures and peeps that would love to take a hunk or two out of your torso. And as always, if I miss your fav then spit bullets below!

1. Alien, ALIEN

A protruding jaw contained within a toothy jaw? Are you kidding me?! How infinitely f*cked up is that? I don’t know what Giger was smoking to come up with these vicious bastards, but give him credit. He’s probably launched more nightmares than Jenna Jameson has launched baby batter. Lots of scary stuff out there, but the double jaw is definitely unbelievable.

2. Reapers, BLADE II

I know that snakes have detachable jaws, but a split-flowering jaw with massive mandibles really takes that equation in a totally asskicking direction. Just the idea of a supervampire that has other vampires pissing their pants is pretty great, but leave it to Guillermo del Toro to come up with a creature that injects itself into your head like heroin takes over your veins.

3. Great White Shark, JAWS

I’ll admit that the theme from this f*cking movie still plays in my head anytime I enter a body of water larger than an above ground pool. Intellectually I know that you have a better chance of surviving a shark attack than say, a lion attack. But it just seems like a totally unfair fight when your opponent gets to take a shot from down under.

4. Hannibal Lecter, SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

Hard to think of anything more terrifying than being a census taker in this particular man’s household. Sure Lecter comes across all refined and shite for most of the movie, but as soon as he lets loose on those unfortunate guards you realize just how brutal his preferred motive of killing gets when applied in the real world.

5. Crawlers, THE DESCENT

One of my favorite horror films of recent years started off as a chick flick, turned into a nature gone amok flick, and ended up as a WTF!? was that flick. The answer to the last question is, that was a Crawler. Think Deliverance but stuck under ground for who knows how long and very, very hungry. Ned Beatty might just have gotten off easy.

6. David Kessler, AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON

I wanted to use The Howling here at first, but then I realized they scratch a lot more than they bite. But when Mr. Kessler gets all wolfie he bites the shite out of some muthaf*ckers. And then they come back to showcase their wounds. Which is just genius. Disgusting, but genius.

7. Cujo, CUJO

How much does it mess with everybody’s head to have to think about the family dog going homicidally insane on your ass? Did you cry when Old Yeller died? Well Stephen King just upped the ante bigtime. It’s not even so much that I care about getting bitten by a dog. That’s happened and I was fine. But I look at my dog, think about him trying to rip my throat out, and ugh.

8. Graboids, TREMORS

Not only is Tremors a truly great B-movie, but it also has a special place in my heart for essentially stealing it’s monster from the DUNE series, which has always been a favorite of mine. Plus it’s difficult to create a Jaws type fear above ground, yet the Graboids do it very effectively. If they just popped out of the ground and killed you with lasers or something, it would still suck, but wouldn’t hurt near as much as being turned into puppy chow.

9. Zombies, DAWN OF THE DEAD

Obviously some sort of zombie had to make the list, but the question of which came down to a simple matter of pure gory fun. Dawn features some of the nastiest, goofiest, just plain stomach churning F/X I’ve ever seen in this kind of context. Nothing like being forced to confront how meaty of a muscle the calf is to really drive home the point of how much it sucks to get bitten by a zombie.

10. Krites, CRITTERS

The whole Critters franchise was pretty much destroyed by unnecessary and sub par sequels, but the original was one helluva fun movie. Nasty little outer space buggers who roll up like tumble weeds before making you into the featured selection at their buffet. Tasty!