Last Updated on August 3, 2021
So let’s take a look at the coolest, badassiest weapons that have ever f*cked a motherf*cker up! A couple belong to very specific characters. Others have been used by multiple homicidal peeps. But they all kick, slice and maim serious butt.
Of course ya’ll ain’t scared to share your opinions, so if you’ve got a nom that didn’t make the list, spit those bullets and get the conversation flying!
1. Balls
I generally feel like Phantasm is a series that had a ton of promise that it failed to live up to. But no one can argue how creepy The Tall Man is, and his Ace in the hole is those flying silver balls of death. Not only are they near inescapable, they’re also a helluva lot of fun to watch. When they get dirty, things get messy. And that my friends is just how I like it!
2. Chainsaw
If you want to nail down the moment that nerd love and Sam Raimi became one, just check out the not yet buff Bruce Campbell as he straps on serious hardware in Evil Dead II after cutting off his own hand! I won’t argue that Leatherface works the rotating saw well too, but nobody does it justice like Ash when it comes time to man up and get down.
3. Machine Gun Leg
F*ck me! You’re gonna give me a tasty upskirt shot of an unstoppably hot chica and then you’re also going to give her high powered weaponry as an artificial limb? It’s like Robert Rodriguez climbed inside my scrambled brain and brought all the fantasies straight to life. As far as sexiness goes, this sucker wins hands down
4. Machete
It may not be the flashiest or most obviously intimidating weapon out there, but Jason wields this bad boy like a pro. Plenty of other slashers have tried to steal the vibe, but when you get down to it, just like Carly Simon sang, nobody does it better.
5. Razor Glove
I don’t know how many of you got a chance to catch the first sound of Freddy dragging those metallic nails across steam pipes in an actual theater, but holy shite it was awesome! Since then the character of Freddy has gone from scary to comedic, to lame, and back to scary again. But through it all the one thing that has never changed is the fact you never, ever want to face that glove!
6. Hooks
Ouch, ouch, ouch. I can’t think of many less pleasant ways to spend eternity than dangling on Pinhead’s hooks. They’re so deliciously destructive that no one even questions why the hell Frank is quoting the bible at the end of the first film. Taking second in the hook dealing department is Ben Willis from I Know What You Did Last Summer. It’s a distant second, but still, he gets some props.
7. Boomstick
Ash is the man. And he shows that by getting past any possible confusion when it comes to what a shotgun is by simply announcing, “This is my boomstick!” Screw those medieval bastards. They can catch up or shut up, because Ash is on the scene to TCB.
8. Bio-Force Gun
Yeah, BFG is indeed a Big F*cking Gun no matter what its “official” name is. Plus while DOOM was an ultimately disappointing movie, how can you get mad at The Rock finding a giant piece of destructo-beast like this sumbitch? You can’t! At least not if you’ve got any balls. So do ya?
9. Shoulder Cannon
Just the name of this sweet Predator favorite is enough to send chills through any weekend warrior’s spinal column. When you consider that it’s aimed by a laser sight that comes right out of the Pred’s face mask you have a near criminal level of outstandingness. If I could have one of these while negotiating DC traffic I’d be a happy man!
10. Axe
Let’s kick things off with a good solid standard. I mean, how much better does it get than a hatchet when it comes to killing some folks. Plus it makes clean up easy since you can chop the body (or bodies) into neat little pieces and you’re just a Hefty bag away from a clean slate. It almost makes serial killing seem easy.
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