HORROR TEN SPOT: Top 10 Asses

July 3rd 2009, 11:49am

Last Updated on August 3, 2021

After the last Top 10 it only seemed fair to offer some balance and assess some horror asses! Judging from the bullets spit last time ya’ll won’t be mad at me for doing so. Fair warning, this week’s list may be a bit more controversial. Linnea Quigley ain’t on it, and sadly, neither is SuperMarcey (though I tried for ya’ll. I really did).

The main question with a list like this is simple yet surprisingly complex – what makes a great ass? Curve, amplitude, where the cleft lies are all important considerations. But there’s also how a woman works it to keep in mind. Plus the indefinable qualities that take some subpar booty’s and lift them above the fray.

You may have figured by this point that I’m a big fan of the back cleavage. Which means I know there’s to be no agreement on a list like this. So have fun with it, spit bullets on the butts you think I must be blind to have left off, and don’t forget if you’re checking this out at work to CYA!!

1. Jessica Alba, IDLE HANDS

Damn you Devon Sawa, and getting to grab onto probably the most delectable piece of backside real estate this side of Vida Guerra. I watch this scene and my reaction is something along the lines of “Gah, gah, gah, blippidy ya, ya, ahhhhhh.” I mean the girl’s rocking a perfect hypnotic instrument right at the base of her spine. I can’t take my eyes away. Gimme more! I guess while I’m at it I should also say damn you to James Cameron for giving her enough heat through DARK ANGEL that she’s never had to give into the pressure to get naked. What an evil man.

2. Jennifer Lopez, THE CELL

Lopez, Lopez, Lopez. Oh how your bountiful backside has haunted my dreams. It’s just acres of smooth, hot deliciousness. And what I dig about her butt in this flick is that even though we’re going for a more serious approach to horror, they still throw us a bone by having her do work in high cut panties and a nice tight shirt. I’m not saying that most professionals aren’t doing their casework like that. I’m just saying thank you to the filmmakers for capturing that moment of realism for us.

3. Salma Hayek, FROM DUSK TIL DAWN

I share StepPapa JoBlo’s obsession with this Latino goddess. And if you want the best example of why that is then watch DESPERADO. But in terms of horror, not much can beat the heat of Salma as a vampire queen doing her pre-mass feeding striptease. It’s like somebody packed a keg of dynamite and Jagermeister into a little 5’2″ package.

4. Tiffany Shepis, EMBRACE THE DARKNESS 3

Our dear Ms. Shepis has been more than kind in showing us her particularly fine backside over the years. Picking out just one example is like trying to pick out the best Lindt Truffle. Ultimately they’re all great. What I like about ETD 3 though, is that Tiffany (billed as Vanessa Lynch) really gets to let her ample sensuality play because the film is more about sex than it is about horror. And her sexy is a powerhouse. Nowhere is that more evident than in this flick

5. Jill Schoelen, THE STEPFATHER

CUTTING CLASS, featuring an as yet unknown Brad Pitt, was a great movie for checking out Jill Schoelen’s bum in a variety of amusingly exploitive ways. That said, it’s hard to top THE STEPFATHER in terms of sheer naked awesomeness for her. Both the situation and the context is choice for us voyeur types. Not one of the better known scream queens overall, but certainly a significant player in any best body collection.

6. Crystal Lowe, WRONG TURN 2: DEAD END

For reasons that should be obvious from the opening pic, I love Crystal Lowe’s assets. But even more, I love this look from WT2. I mean what more perfect horror scenario than a hot chick on the beach while an inbred hillbilly comes flying out to get’er? On top of that, the woman in question is a nice genetic mix of Asian and Caucasian leading to clean angular beauty and a significant booty.

7. Kate Hudson, THE SKELETON KEY

I may not understand her choice in men, but it’s easy to see what draws dudes to Hudson. It’s tough to be as thin as she is and have anything going on ’round back. Often times the skinny chicks have pretty droopy butts because you need muscle and fat to make that area sing. Certainly not Sir-Mix-Alot territory here, but any ass man worth his badge is gonna be psyched to get his hands on this specimen.

8. Jordana Brewster, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING

Even though I liked the TCM remake, I wasn’t at all excited to go back for this prequel. Until they dropped this pic of Jordana Brewster on us. Tight jeans? Check. Imminent jeopardy? Check. High likelihood of crack escapage? Check. Round, lovely and crawling for your life is a perfectly acceptable way for a lass to go in horror land.

9. Maggie Grace, THE FOG

I’m not a huge fan of lithely put together babes, but Maggie Grace gets a lot of credit for making even one scene from THE FOG remake worth watching. Something about watching a lady in underwear with a smallish shirt on hits an archetypal need, even when the butt isn’t top shelf. Fortunately in this case, it is.