HORROR TEN SPOT: Best Horror Boobies of a New Generation!

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

I mean, what else is a guy to do but whack-off and watch horror films in the dead of winter? Seriously. It’s a tough slog, and I don’t just mean my dick. But it does get a guy to address (or undress) the essential: taking time to pad the hibernatory yank-bank. It’s that time of year for this rusty old perv, and so I shamelessly share with you what I deem the best in a new crop of horror bosom. Indeed, the titty-cream of a new generational epoch…here before you now. Each lovely lady (and her two gals) honored has appeared in at least one bona fide genre flick within the last three years…some of which have gone on to bigger and better things, others being perky upstarts with quite a future. A mixed bra-bag for sure…so get out the f*ckin lube and jag-rag and have a great time. Don’t hurt yourself!
As the task of ranking proved far too difficult, the lovely ladies are henceforth listed in reverse alphabetical order.

#1. Diora Baird (NIGHT OF THE DEMONS)

Mmmm…The Baird. What’s not to love about this paragon of unprecedented pillow-puppies? Zilch. Freckled, always affable, impossible to avert your eyes from, Diora “32DD Baird” embodies every carnal craving and prurient desire written in the code of male DNA. Honestly. The green-eyed stack-house, as cruelly sexy as she is, never seems too cold or inaccessible as a person. Not that I know her personally, but in every interview I’ve seen her in, she seems completely grounded, down to Earth, self-depreciative, and flat out funny. A more lethal combo I cannot, nor want to, dream of. After appearing in NIGHT OF THE DEMONS in ’09 and 30 DAYS OF NIGHT: DARK DAYS in ’10, Baird has chosen to mix up her material, doing TV, comedy and the like. Thankfully, the gorgeous gal returns to the genre next month with the release of RIDDLE.

#2. Jessica Biel (THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE)

I waffled, I quibbled, I debated…but in the end, I’d be remiss if I didn’t honor the tremendous chesticles of Mrs. Jessica Biel. They’re simply too spectacular. In fact, Jess is one of the few to possess the holy triumvirate…gorgeous face, supple rack and a TO DIE FOR booty. High artwork! Sure it’s been almost a decade since flaunting her perfect figure in TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, but the ever-increasing looker has never really strayed too far from our bloodied brand of cinema. In fact, Biel and her titillating tatas have two high-profile genre flicks due this year: TOTAL RECALL and THE TALL MAN. She’s also currently filming the thriller EMANUEL AND THE TRUTH ABOUT FISHES. I know we’re having fun with this list, chauvinistically so, but to be blunt: Jessica works really hard on her body and should be recognized and commended for doing so. Keep it up girl!

#3. Katrina Bowden (TUCKER & DALE, PIRANHA 3DD)

I need to start by apologizing to the ultra-sexy Katrina Bowden…I gormlessly omitted you from the 2011 horror hotties celebration, and for that I’m truly sorry. To make it up, how about a little attention cast on your oh so precious palookas. You stripped, ripped and hipped your way through the mega-bloody TUCKER AND DALE VS. EVIL, and with the apt inclusion of PIRANHA 3DD later this year…I have a feeling we’ll be seeing more of you and your magnificent mammories in years to come (you should have made the best horror booties list as well. I know, I suck). With mass cross-over appeal, the lovely Mrs. Bowden can do TV and film, and has such varied projects as NURSE 3-D and AMERICAN REUNION due this year. Stacked and talented…chick’s a f*ckin’ unicorn. A four-leaf clover!

#4. Kelly Brook (PIRANHA)

While I do feel a bit odd awarding a pair of knockers that only appeared in one or two legit horror films, Kelly Brook’s paradigmatic pair created such a splash…literally…in PIRANHA 3D, that I couldn’t conscionably shut her out. You understand, right? The buxom British bird had zero qualms about going fully nude, parading her lusty curves (also awarded in best horror booties) above and below water…even partaking in some mouth-watering Sapphic aqua-ballet with her screen-mate Riley Steele (who also deserves mention in the best breasts category). Shite was heavenly! Brook then appeared in the low-budget thriller REMOVAL, in which I’m not sure if she blessed audiences with her lovely nude figure once more. 2010 was a big year for Kelly, let’s hope she gets back to the horror realm soon. I need to see those headlights flash at least once more!

#5. Alexandra Daddario (BEREAVEMENT)

Props to The Arrow for pointing me in the direction of relative newcomer Alexandra Daddario, who, while perpetually decked in a sweat sodden tank-top throughout Stevan Mena’s BEREAVEMENT…rocked more bust than Canton, Ohio. Good grief! Daddario has appeared in some high-profile outings, to be fair, namely in those PERCY JACKSON pictures, but I’ll have you know she’s going to play the female lead in the upcoming LEATHERFACE 3D. As opposed as I am to that film being made (Hooper’s original shall never be sullied), I fully support the casting of Alexandra and her delicious breast-cicles. Come on, who doesn’t want to ogle at those gaudy gazoongas in a 3-dimensional horror-show? Talk about heaven meeting hell!

#6. Julianna Guill (FRIDAY THE 13TH)

With a face as adorable as she has, Julianna Guill really had no reason to uncover her oh so mountainous muffins in FRIDAY THE 13TH. But she did…and for that, we’ll always be thankful. No older than a fresh 22 years of age at the time, Guill proudly splayed her high-beams in all their pert, nubile glory. The only issue? Diegetically, she lets the utter douche-fist of a character fondle her fantastic fun-bags. Trent or Trig, or Track…whatever that asshole’s name was. That sucked. Still, nothing can ever scrub the image of Guill grinding, gyrating, bouncing her boobies all over the frame while bloody bodies hit the deck all around her. Straight bliss! Guill followed up with a couple forgettable horror yarns (ALTITUDE anyone), and has two upcoming genre flicks to look forward to: THE APPARITION and MINE GAMES. Let’s cross our fingers she drops the blouse at least once more!

#7. Rachel Nichols (P2, CONAN)

Ever since appearing in THE AMITYVILLE HORROR in 2005, the unbelievably stunning Rachel Nichols has never been able to shake the horror tag. She followed with Lucky McKee’s THE WOODS in ’06, then did P2 in ’07…in which, as a damsel in distress, she boasted an utterly incomparable pair of coconut cupcakes (remember that dress she sported?) We’ve been on full alert ever since, so when she appeared as a scantily clad warrior-chick in CONAN, we had to further cast some love to this sexy chica. I mean, when you put Rose McGowan’s mounds to shame…you’re extra special. Thankfully, as she currently films the action-horror film RAZE (not to mention has the genre flick ALEX CROSS in post), we’ll be able to see Rachel and her babies mix it up in our genre in the near future. A boy can dream, can’t he?!?

#8. America Olivo (BITCH SLAP, NEIGHBOR)

While I’ve utterly dismissed her role in the FRIDAY THE 13TH remake (was she in the opener?), drool-filled props must be cast to the tensile strength of America Olivo’s bra support. God damn! Two prime examples of America’s ample airbags can be seen in one qualified guilty pleasure, BITCH SLAP, and one unqualified guilty torturer, NEIGHBOR. The thing about America is how badass her onscreen persona is, particularly in these two films. She isn’t the damsel in distress, she’s the opposite, a busty, bona fide ass-kicker. Her brawn makes her that much sexier, often using her succulent chest-twins as diversionary weapons. She lulls in a creepozoid, dangles the dumplings right in front of his helpless maw, and WHAM…dude’s dead as Dillinger. America the oh so beautiful!
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#9. Tanit Phoenix (LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE)

Don’t equate our least heralded list entry as being any less qualified physically…as Tanit Phoenix, no doubt living up to her namesake, is about as smoldering as one can get in this business. I promise. The arresting South African native has been steadily climbing the ranks since her debut in 2005. She’s appeared in GALLOWWALKER, LOST BOYS: THE THIRST, DEATH RACE 2 and 3, and has the A-list SAFE HOUSE out this week. Measuring in 35-26-37, Tanit (which means Goddess of Love) is as close to perfection incarnate as one can fantasize. As for her milkshakes? Gourmet. World class. Museum quality. As if this 5’9” stunner couldn’t get any sexier, she speaks accents in English (British), Afrikaans (Dutch), French, Israeli, Russian and Eastern European and American (Neutral and Southern). What else do you need to know?

#10. Cerina Vincent (CABIN FEVER)

Only a trio of cinematic “genre” goddesses have what it takes to be feted as having not just the best booty in the biz, but the best boobies as well, and I’m proud to say the busty Italian stunner Cerina Vincent is the first repeat offender. My god this woman is perfection! Extra points go to Cerina for her inveterate willingness to disrobe, Exhibit A (above) from CABIN FEVER can attest how bodacious her bazookas actually are. Divinity! Sure Cerina has gravitated away from strictly genre material the last few years, but she did do TOXIC in 2010 and has the violent action-thriller MONIKA due out this year. Feel free to expand the oeuvre Cerina, but please, never let yourself and the girls stray too far away from us horror hounds. We need you!