Kill ‘Em All 2 Review: JCVD deserves (a lot) better

PLOT: Phillip (Jean-Claude Van Damme) comes face to face with a Russian-French terrorist who comes to exact vengeance on him for killing his brother.

REVIEW: It’s important to meet a film on the same level that it’s presenting itself to you. Going into an A24 movie and expecting a heartfelt family romp may not be the best choice. And going into a JCVD in 2024, you have to expect little story, rough acting, and plenty of action. Sure, can something surprising happen? Absolutely, and those days are glorious (and to be sure, we LOVE the Muscles From Brussels). But more often than not, the action is what matters and everything else is off to the wayside. And then there are times where nearly nothing works and it just leaves you going: how did this even get made? Sadly, that accurately describes Kill ‘Em All 2.

The film picks up shortly after the first film, with the deceased villain’s brother, Vlad, on a mission to take out Van Damme’s Phillip. The majority of the story is just about various assassins trying to kill Phillip, and Vlad getting angry about it. Phillip is too busy hanging out with his daughter and trying to find a house in Europe to seemingly care. I love this old curmudgeon character that JCVD seems to play in just about everything post-2010. Despite his heart of gold, there’s always a look on his face that says “I’m too old for this sh*t.” While the narrative certainly revolves around his character, he’s not as active in the story as you’d think.

Phillips’s daughter Vanessa (Jacqueline Fernandez) acts as his sidekick and doesn’t bring much to film outside of awkward delivery. Villainous Vlad is the right amount of comically evil, with his girl licking up blood from his chest and killing lackeys for failure. His sole focus on revenge is really the only thing driving the story forward. Andrei Lenart looks shockingly similar to Yellowjackets star Warren Kole, so I suppose that’s something to glean entertainment from. Because otherwise you aren’t really getting it here. But the biggest disappointment is easily Peter Stormare, who is usually a highlight in any film he does. But it looks like this set was the last place he wanted to be and it results in a tepid character.

The acting is fairly rough, but I feel like most are accustomed to that with these kinds of Euro/American action movies. And I can be forgiving of this when the action and effort are there. But nearly everyone is phoning it in here. Sometimes actors feel like they’re in completely different spaces. There are times when it almost feels like lines have been translated into English. Unless I just missed when the phrase “Hey do you have some smoke?” became a thing. Apparently, ChatGPT still hasn’t quite gotten dialogue figured out.

I can forgive a lot of bad if the action is still competent but Kill ‘Em All 2 seems to forget it’s an action movie half of the time. Using kinetic editing tricks and moving the camera around doesn’t make up for the lack of actual exciting action. They like to build up to scenes that are over in an instant. It’s like there’s a threat of action more than actually having something happen in the frame. And as much of a JCVD fan as I am, unless the scenes are well-directed, his age is definitely showing. And here he just looks like an old man doing a choreographed exchange with a stuntman. The man can still provide a great performance (as evidenced by Darkness of Man) but in this his action is rather limited. I’m not sure why they made a sequel to Kill ‘Em All, and after watching it, I’m not sure the filmmakers knew why either.

KILL ‘EM ALL 2 IS AVAILABLE DIGITALLY AND ON DEMAND NOW.

Kill 'Em All

NOT GOOD

4