Categories: Horror Movie News

IT’S THE BOOZE TALKIN’: Why must January blow?

With the Holidays finally slowing down and everything getting back to “normal”, you would think this would be the perfect time of year to check out a horror flick or two at the movies. First, it’s cold as f*ck outside and second, it gets super dark super early—combine those elements together and you have the perfect excuse to head the theater and get lost in some murder and mayhem on the big screen. Except for one small problem… movies released in January f*cking suck! What’s up with that?

Last year, one of the biggest movies released in January was LEGION, a flick that had all the potential to be awesome, with cool looking effects and a badass premise, but ended up being one of the shittiest movies of the year. Don’t we deserve better than that? Not only as horror fans but as consumers as well, especially considering the price of admission. And yet January after January we’re slapped in the face with another onslaught of garbage and because we’re starved for theatrical experiences, we go… only to be cornholed by the studios.

 


One of the biggest stinkers of 2010…

This year is no different, but instead of movies that look totally awesome it appears that the studios just don’t give a f*ck anymore because the flicks that are coming out look as bad as they probably will be. First, a Nic Cage medieval witch movie called SEASON OF THE WITCH, which has Cage in a shoulder-length hairpiece doing what he does best—acting poorly through one scene after another. Even the presence of Ron Perlman or the fact that it’s coming from KALIFORNIA director Dominic Sena can’t save this turkey from looking as truly awful as it gets. Could it be WICKER MAN bad? In some sick and twisted way, I’m kind of hoping that it is. At least then, it’ll be somewhat entertaining.

 


You know a movie’s doomed when the tagline is as inspired (and original) as this.

Then, of course, there’s THE RITE, coming out a few weeks later, a flick “inspired by true events” of real life exorcisms starring Sir Anthony Hopkins. There was a time when anything Hopkins touched was gold and I’d say we’d have nothing to worry about; however, that time has long since passed. Have you seen THE WOLF MAN? Yikes! This one looks like a sloppily slapped together piece of work that will no-doubt rip off THE EXORCIST at just about every chance it gets. Really? This is the best horror they can come up with in the entire month of January???

 


It’s like he doesn’t even try any more…

Let’s pretend for a moment that we watch more than horror when we go to the movies (I know, it’s a stretch, but humor me anyway). Then we’d also have COUNTRY SONG, THE GREEN HORNET, NO STRINGS ATTACHED, THE MECHANIC, THE DILEMA, and ONG BAK 3 to look forward to. Holy shite, Hollywood hates everybody during the month of January! The only one that looks even remotely cool is THE MECHANIC, but as we’ve seen with LEGION, it doesn’t matter how cool it looks… it will more than likely suck kangaroo balls.

 


Greatest. Poster. Ever.
Never-the-less, a “classic” January release of utter awfulness.

Maybe it’s the booze talkin’, but I don’t see why January after January we’re stuck with the shittiest onslaught of theatrically released movies of the year. With ticket prices going nowhere but up, it seems to me that Hollywood owes us some quality shit throughout the year, not just starting in April or May, and even moreso in January, when the weather blows and it gets darker earlier. Truthfully speaking, January is the perfect time of the year to hit up the Cineplexes… that is, if the movies didn’t blow. I know the argument: movies in January don’t make as much money as other movies released in other months—that’s why January has been labeled Dump Month. But to that I say, it’s because they release the shittiest of the shittiest in January that they don’t make any money. Who the f*ck wants to throw down their hard-earned cash to check out Nic Cage in a bag wig? Nobody. Just once I’d like to see some horror hit January that’s so epic that it changes the month from being Dump Month to Awesome Month. But for now, we’ll have to deal with Nic Cage and Anthony Hopkins slumming it out something fierce.

 



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Published by
Ammon Gilbert