IT’S THE BOOZE TALKIN: When Horror Meets Porn

Last Updated on July 23, 2021

When Horror Meets Porn

You’d think uniting these two forces would be a no-brainer. An epic marriage of blood curdling screams, unbreakable bondage, and terrifyingly massive erections. I’m not talking about “torture porn” here either, I’m talking about straight up stab her in the heart after you stab her in the butt type shit. It all seems so logical when you consider the foundations of gratuitous nudity in your average horror film. The next step has to be full penetration, right? Wrong. It’s never worked. It never will work, no matter what angle you take. And I’m going to cover them all.

The porn/horror parody is no more entertaining than it’s clever title. If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if Regan went ass to mouth with the two priests trying to perform her exorcism, then by all means, get your hands on a copy of THE XXXORCIST.

These are nothing more than effortless spoofs of popular titles. There’s nothing horrific about them except the acting and the odd facial. And that’s where the problem lies with making a film more porn than horror, nobody in their right mind would ever watch an adult film for it’s plot. Sure, it makes for a funny box cover and there might be one or two funny references in the film, but no true horror fan is ever going to see it because a) they’d turn it off as soon as they figured out it wasn’t a legitimate sequel to FRANKENSTEIN, or b) they’d be too tired after wanking on their pud during the first sign of boobies.

So what have we learned? We need a little less sex, a little more (original) story, and a lot more scares.

ONE EYED MONSTER took a different spin to the table. Here’s a slasher, set in a cabin in the woods, set around the making of a porno with the main villain being Ron Jeremy’s detached penis (above, wrapped around Charles Napier’s neck). As ridiculous as it sounds it’s a concept that could have been a ton of fun with the perfect mixture of dark comedy and creepiness. And it would have worked had it not looked and felt like it was thrown together by a drunk teenager and his buddies in the middle of a weekend bender. I’m not expecting perfection here, folks, but more than ten minutes writing a script is never going to hurt your cause. And a tiny bit more nudity and actual sex wouldn’t hurt either.

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS seemed to have everything going for it. There was the horror icon (Englund), the world’s most famous porn actress (Jameson), a perfect setting (strip club) and the most popular sub-genre around (zombies). What we got was simply just a bad horror movie. To be fair, this film never sold itself as a porn/horror. It’s just a b-horror movie with lots and lots of nudity, but when you’re so close to finding that perfect mixture why deny your destiny? And to be honest don’t you think this film makes millions of more dollars on DVD if you do what’s right and let Jameson loose during at least one full-out un-dead orgy?

Maybe it’s the booze talking but there’s a fine line between horror and porn. To do it right you’re going to need some people that can act, a lot of people that can fuck, and at least some resemblance to an actual scary story. You get all that and you’ll have yourself your very own genre that nobody will ever admit to watching. Congrats.