It’s the Booze Talkin’: Texas Chainsaw 3D looks epicly awesome and ridiculously stupid. Say what???

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

Last week, the moment TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE fans have been waiting for (or dreading for? ) finally arrived: the trailer for the much anticipated TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3D (now simply TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D for some stupid f*cking reason or another) arrived in theaters and across the internet. The reception by horror fans (and movie fans alike) seems to be a mixed bag. Some thought it looked awesome, but most thought it looked just as lame as TCM: THE BEGINNING. And for some reason, I found myself somewhere in the middle… part of me thinks it looks amazing, part of me thinks it looks absolutely dreadful, but regardless… I can’t wait for January!

So let’s break this f*cker down: the good. The look and feel mimics that of the previous Platinum Dunes films without it being a Platinum Dunes film. I see this as a good thing, as those guys equal trouble when it comes to the genre, so the fact that another studio and set of producers is handling this beast is exciting to me. Yet, they kept the same great look as before, and I appreciate that. The story, while paper-thin and hard to swallow, is at least different and at the same time, classic scary movie clichéd storyline: a group of kids go to a big-ass house that they inherited only to find that it inhabits one of the scariest movie maniacs in cinematic history. Awesome.

The cast is also pretty spot-on, with the absolutely gorgeous Alexandra Daddario as the lead Final Girl, a role this chick was destined play after BEREAVEMENT. Her friends are nothing more than your stereotypical douche bags, which is just fine and dandy with me as it’ll feel good to watch Leatherface slice them up into little pieces. And speaking of Leatherface, holy f*ckballs does he look the part here! If people recall the original, they’ll remember that he has always been a cross-dressing freak, so seeing him sew a face together while wearing, what appears to be, a woman’s moo-moo dress was pretty great. Makes him all that more menacing of a killer that way. Plus, his coveted chainsaw is absolutely perfect in the film, as if the prop guys stumbled across the perfect horror movie prop store in the middle of nowhere. From the chainsaw to the thread and needles, to the f*cking graveyard, this flick looks like fine horror viewing to me.

But it’s not all roses, is it? I didn’t care for the fast-cut editing and lightning bulb flashes across the screen everytime something cool or scary kicked in—totally unnecessary, especially for a flick where people are expecting the scares. It’s not that scary if I can’t see what the hell is going on or am thrown into some sort of strobelight-induced seizure. Then there’s the tagline, the messaging being broadcast across the screen: “In 1974, it happened. Now it’s happening again.” Come on… seriously. Cheesy and lame and tells us absolutely nothing that we didn’t know already. And somehow, by calling out the year, it makes it very unclear when this version takes place. By the VW Vanagon we see in the beginning, I’d say the late 80s… but it could really be anytime after that as well.

The setting of the house looks cool, as is the proximity to the graveyard next door (a nice touch not seen in the previous films), but then… why the f*ck do they always have to go back to some sort of giant warehouse or factory or wherever the hell they’re in? I get it—the dude grew up working at a beef factory, but come on… Texas has to be more than meat-packing plants, right? Switch it up a bit! Have him bring his victims to a mall after closing hours or something like that—at least it’d be different! And speaking of different, why does Leatherface have to attack yet another car with his chainsaw? He’s inbred, I get it, but you’d figure he’d know that the chainsaw can’t cut through steal and metal. He’s done it before, he should remember how it fared the first few times around.

But honestly, the trailer did more good for me than it did bad…. as much as I hate to admit it. And why should I be ashamed? Because Platinum Dunes screwed the pooch on THE BEGINNING? Am I forced to not like the series after that? The first one (the remake) was f*cking awesome, and if this is more along the lines of that, we’re gonna be in for a good time. It’s being released in January, which might be a sign that it’s gonna suck, but for horror movies, January is the new October in terms of box office power, and half the time the movies are pretty solid to boot. And finally, the 3D. I am pretty much a hater of everything 3D… except when it comes to being used in schlocky horror movies. MY BLOODY VALENTINE utilized the 3D perfectly, as did PIRANHA—once people realize it’s a great device to use as a gimmick to scare people with, using gags like body parts, blood, and f*cking chainsaws, the less 3D we have for shite like the KATY PERRY movie and more for shit like this. Seeing that chainsaw stretch across the theater is going to be epic!

Maybe it’s the booze talkin’, but I mostly loved the new trailer for TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D. Sure, I hated the editing of it and how most of it was put together (editing, music, strobelight effect, and silly tagline), but the film looks promising, and it looks like it may have people forgetting all about THE BEGINNING (which was horrendous). This is Lionsgate and Millenium (the studios who got together and gave us THE EXPENDABLES 2) we’re talkin’ about, not f*cking Platinum Dunes, which means it should be at least a few notches about in terms of quality. But more than anything, I really can’t wait to see Leatherface f*ck sh*t up on the big screen again… and in 3D, no less! Chainsaws, torture, blood-splattered decapitations and dismemberments, what more could you possibly want? I’m game for some TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D in theaters everywhere January 4, 2013.