With a week to go until the big man comes stumbling down the chimney to drop off a bunch of loot for all the good kids, I’m starting to drink even more than usual (it is the holidays, after all). And with all this booze flowing through my veins and greed pulsing from my heart, I’m starting to face a sad but honest truth: of all the shit I want for X-Mas this year, what I want the most is better slate of horror movies. That’s right, I said it. I want better horror than what we’ve been getting lately. I want every experience to be that CABIN IN THE WOODS experience, not the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4 experience that we’re used to. But don’t worry. I have a detailed list of specific shit I want to see in the genre in 2013 for Santa to browse and deliver, and by-golly, if he doesn’t, I don’t know what I’ll do. Probably drink more, that’s what. And I don’t know if my liver can take much more of this.
For starters, I want more original, R rated horror. Look at the highlights of 2012: THE CABIN IN THE WOODS and SINISTER. Both films did something different to two tired sub-genres, breathing new and exciting life into each of them in different ways, thus delivering a couple of quality horror flicks that were both fresh and exciting. That’s what we need more of around here. Horror movies that aren’t afraid to push the envelope, that aren’t afraid to go all hardcore and keep their R rating, and that are not afraid of thinking outside the box, even if we’ve been to the box a few times before. There’s always a different take on tired sub-genres and goddamn, I want more of that shite!
And while we’re on the subject of R rated horror, let’s be clear on what I’m looking for here: boobs and blood. That’s it. Call me simple, or un-original, or what have you, but that’s what I’m talking about when I say I want R rated horror. I like swearing, sure, but if a movie is packed with boobies and the red sauce, I won’t be worried if the movie is using curse words enough. If TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3D can do anything right, it’s to provide ample of both. Live up to the f*cking namesake and make it awesome. While I’m not a big fan of 3D, when it’s used in schlocky horror movies like this, I’m all about that shit. Now as long as there’s some 3D boobage and blood splatter, then go ahead and cal TCM 3D a bonafide hit delivered by the big man himself.
I know this is supposed to be a wish list of sorts of things I want Santa to bring me in the new year, but what’s a wish list without mentioning a few things that I don’t want to see under the horror tree in 2012. Don’t bring me any more bullshit found-footage movies. I’m sick of that shit. No more shaky cam, no more idiotic characters sitting around a haunted house holding a video camera when they should be getting the f*ck outta Dodge without a goddamn camera rolling, no more umpteenth sequels to a franchise that’s dead and tired. Ok, it’s obvious I’m talking about the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY franchise here, but what the f*ck? Part 4 disappointed even the biggest fans of the series, so just quit while you’re ahead. We don’t need another SAW franchise that goes about 2 movies (or more) than necessary. Let’s find another franchise to branch off of for the Halloween season and leave PARANORMAL ACTIVITY the f*ck alone.
Maybe it’s the booze talkin’, but all I want for X-Mas this year is a slate of original, boob and blood infested R rated horror movies that aren’t remakes, that aren’t crappy sequels, and that aren’t shaky cam found-footage bullshit. The contenders out there so far appear to be on the right track, including a couple of godforsaken remakes/sequels (TCM 3D, THE EVIL DEAD), but at least their heart seems to be in the right place. If they end up being splatterfests that live up to their respective franchises, then it would appear that Santa is gearing up to grant my wish. But I want more than just two awesome flicks in the new year, I want a whole f*ckload of awesome, so maybe THE LORDS OF SALEM will be great, or maybe THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT 2: GHOSTS OF GEORGIA… nah, I’m just f*ckin’ with you. That looks like a goddamn travesty and a half. So please Santa, hook a brotha up with some genre goodness this year. I’ve been good this year… mostly.