Predators: Do or Die
I’m sure you’ve seen the new pictures by now. If you listened real close you could hear the collective vascular pitter-patter of a million hopeful fanboys staring at their monitors. And while there may be a gleam in their eyes and a hint of nervous perspiration on their upper lip, make no mistake about it, this specific species of alien fucks up again and it’s the end of the road.
So why even give them another chance? Some might think it’s because of Robert Rodriguez’s involvement or the potential of director, Nimród Antal (although, I’m pretty sure ARMORED made a few people fall off the bandwagon). I believe in neither. What I believe in is the power and perfection of the original film and it’s demand for some kind of acceptable franchise. Some people have a special place in their heart for PREDATOR – I gave it it’s own aorta.
I find my relationship with PREDATOR 2 humorous. Compared to the original, it’s shit. Compared to the AvsP films, it’s a masterpiece. There is no other film I think of that is literally forced into mediocrity. As for the last two films, what kind of fucked up bizarro existence are we experiencing when you look at that picture below and actually cringe? Imagine traveling back to the summer of 1987 and handing yourself that photo. Then, after the initial hysteria dies down and younger you has a chance to change their underwear, you tape the photo to the end of a baseball bat and anally assault yourself while giving a detailed description of the plot. This, I believe, is what people mean when they say a film raped them of their childhood. I could be wrong.
Which brings us back to these new pics. They’re nothing special to be honest. There’s nothing in there that hasn’t been used to tempt us before with these films (other than maybe the Oscar winner). You’ve got to believe though, that in today’s day and age, the opinions of multiple generations of film fans can not go unheard. At some point someone has to realize that they’re fucking up one of the most potentially gratifying sci-fi/action time-lines in the history of genre film.
Maybe it’s the booze talkin’ but I truly believe this is their last chance. Do us wrong one more time and we walk away for good. There’s only so much disgrace we’ll let our icons suffer.
And with that I give you Predator Puppy. Because he makes me giggle. This really has to do with the booze.