IT’S THE BOOZE TALKIN’: Eff the Total Recall remake!

Last Updated on July 23, 2021

Back in July of 2010, some of the nastiest talk to ever cross the lips of Hollywood heavyweights launched into overdrive when whispers of a TOTAL RECALL remake began to surface—and not just “what if” talk, but real “it could happen” talk. Considering TOTAL RECALL is one of my favorite action/sci-fi movies of all time, I wasn’t happy about this nonsense, but figured it would never get passed the rumor stage as higher ups would realize that remaking a classic has disaster written all over it. Just like what happened to THE BIRDS—the project would die before even getting started. Flash forward to last week when the news that Colin Farrell has officially been attached to star in the TOTAL RECALL remake, prompting my worst fears to come to a reality—this shit is going to happen. Well F*CK that!

“For the memories of a lifetime, Rekall, Rekall, Rekaaaaaall!”

Regardless of the fact that TOTAL RECALL just turned 20 this past June, the film continues to hold up as one of the more awesome thrill rides to ever come out of Hollywood. To this day it’s still one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s best performances, the special effects are top notch, the violence is stylized and brutally executed, and director Paul Verhoveon’s vision of a colonized Mars is one that continues to stick for millions of people as what it would really be like if we ever do make it to the Red Planet. In many ways, it’s a flawless film with tons of cool little things going on within the bigger picture, like the multi-tittied whore, the mutant-infested red-light district, Sharon Stone as Arnold’s wife, Johnny Cab, Arnold’s bizarre-o old lady disguise that goes ape shit, and the “tracking device extraction” sequence. And those are to just name a few (I didn’t even mention the horror that happens when a person breathes the oxygen-depraved Mars atmosphere).

“Baby, you make me wish I had three hands!”

Twenty years later and the film still holds up incredibly strong—but not strong enough for some mother*ckers out there, I guess, including Len Wiseman, who’s now attached as the film’s director. Wiseman directed the first two UNDERWORLD movies and the latest DIE HARD flick, so he knows how to direct action, fantasy, and even horror—but do I think he could tackle something like TOTAL RECALL? F*ck no. Where’s his edge? Where’s his eye for the hardcore? The guy’s done some effects-heavy action, and done it fairly well (I guess), but there’s not a soul out there who thinks: “the dude who directed UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION is now directing TOTAL RECALL! Awesome!” And why is that? Because he’s a cookie-cutter director, that’s why. And for something as gargantuan as TOTAL RECALL, you need a director that’s recognizable and who’s known for pushing the envelope, not solely because he gets to nail Kate Beckinsale anytime he feels like it (damn you Len Wiseman, you lucky S.O.B.).

“You are not you, you are me.”

But Wiseman’s not even the biggest issue I have with this f*cking remake—Colin Farrel is. I f*cking hate Colin Farrel. I don’t know what it is about that dude, but I can’t stand seeing him on the big screen. Maybe it’s because he comes off like such a f*cking douche-bag all the time (not just the characters he plays, but the man himself)—whatever the reason, I can’t stand that dude and now here he is, trying to fill the shoes of one Douglas Quaid, and I for one don’t buy it. There’s only one Quaid (or Hauser, if you want to be a dick about it), and he goes by Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger. There is no f*cking substitute.

“Hey Benny! Screw Youuuuuuuu!”

They also claim they’re going a different direction with the remake, basing it more on the book by Philip K. Dick “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale”, but I call bullshit. If it was really going to be based on the book, they’d call the movie WE CAN REMEMBER IT FOR YOU WHOLESALE, not TOTAL RECALL. They claim, because it’s based on the book and not the movie, that they’re not going to space this time around, i.e., they won’t be getting their ass to Mars. Again, if it’s so much more like the book than the movie, call it a re-visioning of the book, and leave the movie (and the movie’s title) the f*ck alone! They’re obviously keeping the title for name recognition, but I guess they forgot about TOTAL RECALL 2070, the TV show / TV movie that completely failed in the mid-late ‘90s. If a spin-off TV series couldn’t make it with the same title, what makes these a-holes think it’s going to catch on now?

“Well, Cohaagen, I have to hand it to you. It’s the best mind-f*ck yet.”

Maybe it’s the booze talking, but let me be the first one to officially say “Eff this remake!” There’s no reason to remake the utterly flawless action / sci-fi extravaganza known as TOTAL RECALL. It may be older than today’s core audience, but it’s still more awesome than most the films we’ve seen in the last decade. Remaking TOTAL RECALL is like the studios telling us to go f*ck ourselves—they can’t think of anything original so they’re going with that works. It happens all the time and rarely are the results satisfactory. Throw in the director of LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD and Colin Farrel into the mix, and you have an abomination just waiting to happen. It won’t be better than the original so why f*cking try? And who wants to bet that they’re aiming for PG-13 with this one? If Wiseman couldn’t bring McClane back in all of its R rated glory, there’s no way he’ll be able to do the same for Quaid. Goddamnit. F*ck this remake, f*ck it right in its stupid f*cking ear!

“Get your ass to Mars. Get your ass to Mars. Get your ass to Mars. Get your ass to Mars. Get your ass to Mars…

To track the progression of the TOTAL RECALL remake news hitting the fan, click HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE. Just don’t send me the bill for a new monitor when you punch your screen with rage!

“See you at the party, Richter!”

GET THE TOTAL RECALL BLU RAY HERE!