Into the Blue

A very hot-looking tanned girl and her very hot-looking tanned boyfriend apparently love one another, but don’t have enough money to take things to the next level. Enter the guy’s best buddy who shows up with a skank whom he picked up the night previous and who all together, go deep sea-diving and discover treasures and drugs beyond your dreams and mine. With me so far? Well, it doesn’t really matter. All that really matters here is that the people on the screen look great and my life sucks. It’s fun to watch them though.

First things first: Jessica Alba’s got a grade-A ass. I repeat, Ms. Alba has got a superior posterior. Phew, I’m glad I got that out of the way. Now, on to my review. Uuuuhm, actually…if you watch the first half hour of this movie, that’s pretty much the main thing that you’ll get out of it. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! I mean, seriously…the woman has got a GREAT ASS!!! But once the ass-watching dissipates, we’re left with a half-brained story about four kids (who also happen to be excellent deep sea divers, incidentally) finding a ton of drugs in a plane underwater, right next to a boat that’s been missing for over a hundred years or something. Yeah, I know…you’re rolling your eyes just like I was, but once you get past the very basic plotline, you’re left with some decent action and thrills during the film’s second half, a couple of surprising twists and turns (including some actual kills—wow, in a PG-13 movie no less!) and continued gorgeous shots of the blue underwater packed with colorful fishies (and mean sharkies). At that point, you either fall under the film’s spell and just “go with it”, or walk out of the room and never remember anything about it ever again. Since it moved pretty rapidly during its second half (and didn’t pull anything too ridiculous out of its ass—pun intended!), I stuck around and enjoyed the flick for what it was.

That’s not to say that this a top-notch thriller by any means, but it’s serviceable, it will most likely entertain anyone looking for a diverting time at home for a little over an hour and a half, and it most certainly will appease those who are fans of Alba, Alba’s ass and anytime Alba wears a bikini—which is plenty in this movie! That’s not to take away from Paul Walker though, since he too “goes six-pack” for most of the film and the man is built like a champ. I swear, if I wasn’t so busy staring at Alba’s back-side the whole time, I’d be googly-eyeing that bastard’s bullion. Sure, the film feels longer than it is, it’s padded with a couple of goofy musical montages, the lovey-dovey stuff between Alba and Walker is “surface” at best, and the dialogue is stilted in certain spots, but you toss some Scott Caan playing Scott Caan into the mix, a cool baddie in Josh Brolin and his out-of-control goatee, a couple of gory kills, plenty of sharks, and you’ve got yourself a movie with either “piece of shit” or “guilty pleasure” written all over it. Me…I’ve chosen to subscribe to the latter. Not a great movie by any stretch of the imagination, but certainly one that offers enough eye-candy and cheap thrills to entertain most…looking for eye-candy and cheap thrills! I still wish they would have stuck with the film’s original title though: JESSICA ALBA ASS SHOTS. Dude, that would have sold tickets like wildfire!

(c) 2021 Berge Garabedian