INT: Borat

To
call Sacha Baron Cohen’s press conference as Borat an “interview”
might be a stretch. It was a performance, but who else gets to
experience Cohen’s button pushing persona besides his hapless
victims? It was truly a gift to the press. Borat sent his producer
Azamat to introduce him in Kazakh. Then Azamat stood behind the
podium the whole time with an impenetrable scowl on his face. Borat
entered with much fanfare, stealing one journalist’s personal
video camera and going down on press members in the front row.

Questions
for Borat were submitted in advance and he clearly chose the ones
that supported his schtick the best. Even though some of this is a
repeat, you’ve got to imagine having the poofy hair, big moustache
and grey suit right in front of you is a surreal thrill no matter
the content. BORAT
opens today.

Borat

Borat:
“Good evening, good morning, gentleman and prostitutes. A very nice
to see so many smiling faces here today.”

First
question, can you tell us about yourself?

My
name is Borat Sagdiyev. I a son of [sounds like: Asim Balat Sagdiyev]
and Boltolk the rapist. I am former husband of Osana Sagdiyev who
was daughter of Mary Anne Pulakby and Boltolk the rapist. My
hobbies is disco dance, table tennis and also taking photographs of
ladies doing toilet without their knowledge. Why not? They do
not know. I have previous work as icemaker and gypsy catcher.
And I was also work in computer maintenance. I was the one who
paints the outside and then remove the dead bird from its pipes. I
have three children. Bilalk, Bilam and Huey Lewis who is 12 years
old. He has a two children. Bilalk who is 13 has American pen friend
called Mr. Foley. He say meet in hotel room. Is nice.

My
sister make my family very proud by being number four prostitute in
all of

Kazakhstan

. I was recently awarded, she recently received award from
Kazakh Minister of Industry for best sex in mouth. I also who
have a brother named Bilo. He is a retard with small head, but
very strong arms. He has 204 teeth, 201 in mouth and three in
nose. My first wife is dead. High five! She was shoot by
a hunter who mistake her for a bear because she has much arm on her
arms and back. No problem. I have a new wife. But, I like
cheat. Yes, I looking at you.

You
recently traveled to

Washington

to meet with President Bush. What is your opinion of our president?

We
in

Kazakhstan

very much admire your mighty warlord George Walter Bush. He is a
very wise man and also a strong man. But, perhaps not as
strong as his father Barbara. Next question.

How
does
Kazakhstan
’s political system compare with

America

’s?

There
are small differences between our system of politic. In Kazakh
elections, for example, the winner is not the man with the most
votes, but the candidate who can carry a woman against her will for
the furthest distance. Our present leader can manage 4.3 miles.
How long can premier Bush? There are other differences too. In


America

, a woman can vote, but the horse cannot. That is unusual.
We say in my country, “To give a woman a vote is like to let the
monkey fly the plane.” Very dangerous. We do not do
this anymore since the 2001 Orexca air crash.

Did
you enjoy your time filming here?

I
would like say that I liking U, S and A a very much. Enjoy
your peoples and enjoy your delicious food. First day I here,
I go to restaurant named McDonalds which is so fancy pants, it
actually have a separate room for making toilet in. There I
eat 17 hamburgers and 600 packets of red soup called ketchup.
These did not agree so much with my stomach and the next day my anus
was hang loose like the mouth of a tired dog. But, I learn
many things that is different than one I expect from your country.
For example, I was surprised to learn it is now illegal to shoot at
red Indians. Once again, if anyone watching this, I would like
to apologize with all my heart to Chief Running Deer at the
Potawatomi Casino in

Nevada

.

What
American person or people would you like to meet?

I
would most like to meet some of the new
Hollywood
starlets. In particular, Elizabeth Taylor, [growls]. I would also
like to meet fearless anti-Jew warrior, Melvin Gibson. We in

Kazakhstan

agree with his comments that the Jews started all wars and we also
have proof that they were responsible for killing off all the
dinosaurs. Also, Hurricane Katrina. They did it. It’s
a long story. I would also like to have an encounter with
American football player, American football hero O.J. Simpson who is
a huge star in my country and has earlier this year visited capital
Almaty, where he judged the Ms. Kazakhstan contest. Our ladies
very much like this muscular man, ya? One contestant was so
crazy on him that she breaked into his hotel room while he was
sleeping. She then stab herself to death and covered his clothes in
blood. Fanatic!

Was
there any specific movies that inspired your film and what films do
you admire?

In


Kazakhstan

, we are huge fannies of U, S and A movies. And we have shown this
by manufacturing pirate DVD’s of many of them. We like
movies of funny man Edward Murphy. We in

Kazakhstan

laugh very much when we see his chocolate face, ya? It is
unusual. The color! Other American films we like are
Robocop, Titanic and the sex comedy The Accused. That scene on
the snookie table…

How
will the release of your movie affect your life in

Kazakhstan

?

You
know, I try to stay a normal person. I like to relax like any other
married man. I shoot dogs. I receive a open mouth party for my
sister and I like to drink fermented horse urine with the boys. I
just a regular guy. But, I am proud of my status. I am now the
fourth most famous person in all of

Kazakhstan

. Number three is ex-Olympic gymnast [sounds like: Liliut Zmarkem]
who now perform in the state circus where she is famous for being
able to put one foot in her mouth while the other is in vajeen.
It’s incredible!

Number
two is our glorious premier, Nursultan Nzarbayev. And number one is
children’s favorite animal actor, Jerry the monkey. Who as you may
know was the star of Torotabilski Express and many, many other
pornos. But, it’s not just me that has changed.

Kazakhstan

has improved very much since I return from U, S and A. We
recently introduced the death penalty from your country. Great idea!
We give it for serious crimes such as murder, cleaning anus with our
national flag and baking bagels.

What
are your future projects?

I,
eh, not sure exactly when I will next make a movie film, because for
the next 18 months my country’s camera is fully booked for make
other television shows. This include programs such as

Kazakhstan

’s next Top Prostitute and the comedy film about the person who
waited very late in his life to make sexy time. It’s called The
Four-Year-Old Virgin. Almost 5 and he never make achee. Little
explosion.

Has
working on a big movie changed your opinion of women? Did you have
women on your crew?

There
is no women in Kazakh film industry. We say, “To give a
woman a camera is like to give a monkey a gun.” We have
stopped doing that ever since the 2003 Almatyi Zoo massacre.

I
think everybody wants to know about the status of your relationship
with Pamela Anderson. Do you still enjoy watching “Baywatch”
and will she be at your premiere?

I
must make clear this lady, Pamela, has start to stalk me as you say.
Already this week she has sent me three love messages through her
lawyer. Saying sexy things like, “I must not go further than
30 miles from her house, mail her dirty antipants or say on my
MySpace bloggings that I want to make romance insider her.”
Pamela, if you watch this, leave me alones. Ah, she will not be
arrive at the premiere, no.

You
have a very prominent page on MySpace. What do you think of the
Internet? And have you tried Internet dating?

I
have tried hard on the Internet to meet a nice Western girlies for
chitchat and sexy times. My preferences is ladies with yellow hair,
plow experience and little or no history of retardation in family. I
have even offer television with remote control, a red dress and two
strong shoes, all of which I will remove from the body of my late
wife. But, in return I insist that they will not cheat on me. I must
say I am the second Kazakh man ever on MySpaces. The first was the
minister of agriculture, Moorat Sukeyev, but his page was taken down
because of a sex crime. It is no problem, he is now posing as Johnny
Texas, age 11. He has already received 200 messages from your Mr.
Foley.

Can
you talk about the contributions of your producer, Azamat?

I
would like to pay tribute to my producer Azamat who is fat. He is
the most experience person in Kazakh film industry and in the past
20 years he has personally watched over 17 movies. He do a superb
job producing my movie film, which has already been released and

Kazakhstan

and was a huge blockbuster. It took the top spot from the
Hollywood
movie King Kong, which had been number one film in my country every
since it was released in 1932. Azamat is currently producer of
children’s game show Gypsy Bingo where we put numbers on the backs
of 20 gypsies. The contestants have to guess which number will
manage to reach other side of minefield before…

What
do you think about the ad placed in the New York Times by the Kazakh
government?

This
claims that
Kazakhstan
is tolerant of religions, treat women equally are all disgusting
fabrications perpetrated by the assholes

Uzbekistan

. Who as we have said, I’ve said before are very nosey
people with a bone in the middle in their brain. If there is one
more item of Uzbeki propaganda claiming we in Kazakhstan do not
drink fermented horse urine, give the death penalty for cleaning
anus with flag or export over 300 tons of human pubis every year,
then we will be left with no alternative but to commence bombardment
of their cities with our catapult.

What
are your plans for the DVD?

The
anti-communist organization Fox will be release a DVD in a spring.
We in

Kazakhstan

will be releasing our own pirate version one month earlier. It will
have everything the Fox one has and some special extras including
Superman Returns and Da Vinci Code.

Why
is your government so angry with Sacha Baron Cohen and have you ever
met Mr. Baron Cohen?

I
have said before, I have no connection with Mr. Cohen and I fully
support my government’s decision to sue this Jew… Thank you very
much people of US and A. Very nice be here and meet you. A very
honored for me and my friend Azamat to be here and to be welcomed by
you. I hope later after junket you can come back my hotel room and
we can wrestle totally nude and drink and shoot dogs from the
windows. I like you!