I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

A fireman asks his best friend, who is also a fireman, to pretend that they’re gay so that his kids won’t miss out on his pension fund, now that his wife has passed away. The two straight men get married and move in together in order to keep their scheme going, but the government is suspicious and looking to prove their relationship false. Jessica Biel looking super-duper-hot ensues…as well as a variety of attempts at comedy, the majority of which fail miserably.

REALLY HOT SCREENCAPS OF JESSICA BIEL HERE

I knew this film was off to a bad start when I saw its trailers early last year and I barely cracked a smirk, although admittedly, that shot of Jessica Biel’s ass had me cracking a woodie! (insert rim shot here) And I’m a pretty big Sandler fan, I don’t mind telling you. As it turns out, the film suffers from a few big problems, grandest of which is the fact that its entire concept…is about 5 years too late! I mean, really…hasn’t the whole “We’re straight guys pretending to be gay and it’s funny” thing been played out already? Every other movie and sitcom now features gay characters doing their thing amongst them heterosexuals, and I’m not sure the same “misunderstanding jokes” that worked about a decade ago, are even minimally funny these days. Case in point: this film’s screenplay. And that would be the film’s other big problem: it’s not funny, dude! I knew I was in for a “bad Sandler flick” when the opening scene featured Sandler and a hefty Kevin James racing into a building on fire, and attempting to remove a 600-pound man from the premises. I don’t think I could have come up with an unfunnier way to start a comedy. Also, I’m all for “stretching believability” when watching a movie, but couldn’t James have lost about 30-40 pounds for this role? The man is a jelly donut here and he’s supposed to be playing a friggin’ firefighter!! I’ve never seen an actual fireman with a stomach featuring less than a six pack in my own life and time. I mean…c’mon guys, we know it’s a “comedy” and all, but at least show us that you’re trying!

And to further that point, Sandler continues his bizarre fascination with having ultra-gorgeous women as his girlfriends in his movies, but it’s not just a play for Biel in this one, but rather a bevy of Hooters chicks and all other kinds of hotties, many of which he apparently beds at the same time? (including yet another ultra-gorgeous doctor from a hospital) Listen, I’m a guy, I’m a horndog, we post hottie chicks on our website all the time, but this is a movie and you’re a character that we, as an audience, are supposed to believe, right? No offense, but Sandler nailing all of these ultra-hot chicks (together) while being a basic looking shlub of a fireman is a little beyond belief, in my humble opinion. Granted, if I were in his place, I would cast the same chicks and all, but that doesn’t mean that it’s right for the film. Add to that, many unfunny situations and characters (Rob Schneider, the “gay” son, Steve Buscemi, etc…), a plotline that ultimately ends up in a courtroom where they actually try and make it a little serious, zero chemistry or believability between Sandler and Biel (and she must be the dumbest AND best looking lawyer I have ever seen in movies or in real life!) and there isn’t much in this movie that makes it worth your while to even reach into your pocket to see if you even have enough change to see it.

That said, I’m giving it a 4/10 because Jessica Biel is about as hot as hot can be, and for her boobs and ass alone (neither of which she showcases in the buff, incidentally, but trust me, kids…they’re still well worth the rental – thank me later), the film gets three marks. The other point goes to a few chuckles I had along the way, including the postman’s exchange, Ving Rhames’ character and a couple of odd jokes that worked here and there. But overall, this film isn’t fun to watch, isn’t very up-to-date (still filled with stereotypical gay characters, although at some point, it felt like they were making everyone in the film gay) and doesn’t really have anything interesting or deep to say. The film’s screenplay felt like it had been hiding in Sandler’s own closet for a few years and somehow he thought the time was right to make it now. Bad decision, bre. Even stranger is the fact that the great Alexander Payne of ELECTION, ABOUT SCHMIDT and SIDEWAYS fame is credited as one of the screenwriters of this dreck. Wow-wow-wee!

(c) 2021 Berge Garabedian