Oh goody. Another TWILIGHT movie hits us this week and once again we get a chance to explore just how f*cking lame you can make vampires. I’m like, soooo psyched!
That said, this is not the first time that fangers have been made out to look like tortured teenagers and lovestruck morons. The whole vampire mythos is highly sexualized, so when it goes wrong the whole shebang can turn into little more than a cheap drag show.
TWILIGHT is by far the worst offender, and you’ll find no surprises at who takes number one on this list, but there are plenty of other blood suckers who coulda used a shot of testosterone to make their exploits a little less like the fantasies of a teenage girl.
As always, spit bullets if I missed your fav, or just take some time to muse on what makes for an awesome vamp to counteract the glitter ball coming our way this week.
READ PART 1 OF THIS LIST HERE
WARNING – VAMPS WITHOUT BALLS BELOW!
5. EVIL ED, Fright Night
Ed may not come across as the most serious threat ever, but what really makes him a p*ssy in my book is the fact that he all but rolls over on a friend. That’s just wrong. I can tolerate somebody being an undead wuss, but an unloyal undead friend? F*ck that.
4. QUINN, Blade
Quinn tries so hard to mix it up, and is so damn bad at it. It’s almost a joke by the time the final confrontation comes around that he hasn’t already been killed by either Blade, or his own people. The dude literally can’t do anything right. My five year old son fights better than this guy. About the only thing he’s useful for is a first kill for fledgling vampire hunters.
3. KRAVEN, Underworld
You’d think that fangs would make pursed lips hard to pull off, but Kraven commits to the Eurotrash look with every fiber of his being. That’s probably why he’s consistently getting out-witted, manipulated, and just plain pwned by everybody he encounters. One of the most annoying bloodsuckers ever filmed.
2. LESTAT DE LIONCOURT, Queen Of The Damned
How did Lestat turn into a bisexual club kid? This movie in general more or less pisses all over vampire fans. In fact, if it weren’t for a recent and notable exception I’d probably nominate it for worst vampire movie of all time. But in particular we’re stuck slogging through the morass of gloomy, depressed, goth-vamps with a Lestat who seems to have had his fangs removed. Truly this flick seems to have traded in “God kills indiscriminately, and so shall we,” for “Dear God why must my eyeliner run so?” Pathetic.
1. EDWARD CULLEN, Twilight
You knew this was coming, because it’s obvious. The glitter, the hair, the stares, the teen angst and forbidden romance. The endless wanting and all the mumbly intensity. It’s just a grand clusterf*ck that takes all conventions of the genre and tries to make them rainbows. If Edward is what our teenage girls want these days then I fear for the survival of our species. ‘Cause without balls, we can’t procreate.
READ PART 1 OF THIS LIST HERE
Got a Top 10 idea? Hit me up at mattwithers@joblo.com