I was psyched to check out THE LAST AIRBENDER recently, hoping it would be a return to form for Shyamalan. Sadly it’s not only the worst film he’s made, it also tarnishes an amazing show through the magnitude of its suckiness.
Which got me to thinking about other films that I’ve been excited for, and left sorely disappointed. Sometimes it’s a sequel that falls flat, or a cool concept that couldn’t sustain a feature run time. Hell, occasionally you just have a flick that falls apart for no clear reason.
So this week is all about those films that brought us in with the promise of a great lay, but ended up treating us like vagina dentata munching on a jimmy. Spit bullets on the films that took advantage of your faith in good horror, and let’s all work together to expose those bastards to the cruel light of day.
WARNING – EPIC SUCK BELOW!
10. BOOGEYMAN
I distinctly remember this film because with Raimi behind Ghost House pictures I was willing to believe PG-13 horror might work. And on top of that, the marketing campaign was brilliant. Made the whole thing look pretty awesome, including some mind-blowing concept art that got me a little wet despite my lack of a va-jay-jay. Alas, it was not to be, although the disgusting parade of useless teen horror pop that came after took copious notes from this on how to sell themselves. Just like the whores that they are.
9. ALIEN VS.PREDATOR – REQUIEM
Buy the ALIEN VS. PREDATOR – REQUIEM DVD here
AvP was alright. Entertaining enough, and while it lacked substance and gore, it did a mediocre job of scratching an itch that had been present for a while. So it was with quite a bit of anticipation that I caught the sequel, thrilled both with the cast, the fact that it was gonna be a civilization bound battle, and let’s not forget the PredAlien. Should be incredible right? Instead we get served a castrated WB inspired entry into the slowly disintegrating franchise. They f*cked this one up bad, and we all paid the price.
8. Rob Zombie’s HALLOWEEN II
A common theme on this list will be sequels that promise to expand on the original, but do so in a way that just makes us shake our heads in despair. Zombie’s take on HALLOWEEN was largely unnecessary, but had its moments, gave us ample teen boobage to gawk at, and delivered an origin story that was almost too interesting since the rest of the movie paled in comparison. So when Zombie said that H2 was truly the HALLOWEEN movie he wanted to make, how do you not get excited? Alas the HALLOWEEN movie he wanted to make blew ropey goat chunks.
7. THE RING TWO
While I’m not as big a fan of the original as many, there’s no denying that THE RING is widely considered one of the most successful horror remakes yet. So there was no reason to feel, with a strong returning cast and Samara creepiness all around that the second wouldn’t be an able companion to the first. Instead we got a nearly unwatchable clusterf*ck.
6. WHAT LIES BENEATH
Buy the WHAT LIES BENEATH DVD here
It’s rare that horror gets a decent cast, much less A-listers like Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer for the leads. Throw in a director like Robert Zemekis before he decided that animated films should be the creepiest of all, and you’ve got a surprising, but very promising project. Sure the trailers seemed to give everything away, but surely they were holding something back. Unfortunately not. There is a “twist” at the end, but basically you go in knowing what’s going to happen, and nothing in the film is strong enough to overcome that weakness.
STAY TUNED FOR PART 2!