I realize Halloween has come and gone this year, but somehow I already feel nostalgic. After making eyes with a number of choppy HALLOWEEN sequels on AMC’s annual run, and after reading Arrow’s take on who of the three – Michael Meyers, Freddy Kruger or Jason Voorhees – is the biggest onscreen lady’s man…I started to reassess some of the female suitors the holy triumvirate has come in contact with over the years. And while I’d argue Voorhees has seen the most pert tail come through his hallowed campgrounds, did you ever notice how many fine ass broads come into direct contact with Michael “Shatner face” Meyers? No wonder he’s so pissed off. Dude’s surrounded by ample bosom yet can never yield any action. Has to be frustrating, doesn’t it? Let paint the picture more clearly, below you’ll find my Top Ten HALLOWEEN hotties. Enjoy!
WARNING: MINOR SPOILERS BELOW!
#10. LYNDA VAN DER KLOK (PJ SOLES) – HALLOWEEN
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Hard to find a more bubbly, adorable bit player in the late 70s, early 80s than the lovely PJ Soles, who I still fantasize about in that army uniform she wore in STRIPES. Appearing in CARRIE two years prior, you’d be hard-pressed to argue the original HALLOWEEN features a hotter gal than Soles, who plays the character of Lynda van der Klok. Meyers knows it…why else would he unceremoniously impale Lynda’s boyfriend and let him hang from a wall to bleed off? Jealousy perhaps? Sexual frustration? Massive blue balls? Whatever the case, Soles brings some much needed sex appeal to film whose primary lead is essentially a sexless being; a virgin in fact. It’s actually been argued Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) unleashes her pent-up sexual angst through violence against Meyers…in effect penetrating with a knife, instead of being penetrated by Ben Tramer’s dreamy c*ck. But it’s Soles who pays the ultimate price for her promiscuity; a price I’d oblige.
#9. KARA STRODE (MARIANNE HAGAN) – HALLOWEEN 6
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Although HALLOWEEN 6 bares the oh so laughable distinction of starring an upstart Paul Rudd, let’s not overlook the fact the movie stars not one, but two worthily beauteous gals. The first one I’m calling attention to? The sultry redheaded goddess Marianne Hagan, who played Kara Strode in the 1995 sequel. With Jamie Lee absent, it’s more or less Hagan’s show, and beyond looking like a million bucks, she plays the damsel in distress quite admirably. The greenish eyes, the high cheekbones, the sexily slender frame…as a “final girl,” she hardly fits the prototypical mold…which is even more reason to fete her existence…she’s a definite breath of fresh air. Coming from Irish/Scottish/Italian/Belgian descent, Marianne is more than just a good looker…the lass has a B.A. from Duke and could have studied journalism in Columbia, but opted to act instead. And acting she’s returned to, having appeared in BREAD CRUMBS and STAKE LAND earlier this year, and has the Brad Dourif starring thriller LAST KIND WORDS in post.
#8. NURSE KAREN (PAMELA SUSAN SHOOP) – HALLOWEEN II
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Man, you ever cop a look at the chesticles of Pamela Susan Shoop in HALLOWEEN 2…you know, the nurse who packs more bust than Canton, Ohio? Yeah, that broad! Good heavens! Again, our boy Mikey knows what he likes, and when he finally tracks down his sister in the Haddonfield hospital, it isn’t Laurie he seeks out initially…oh no…dude’s got some serious perving to achieve. And as per usual, once Nurse Karen de-blouses and starts getting busy with some pencil-neck punk, Meyer’s can’t have it. So what does he do? Kills the fucker, hikes the temperature of the water, then boils the nurse’s pretty little face into a bubbling puddle of flesh. Notice how he leaves those monumental breasts alone…perhaps to admire postmortem. I mean, is titty-fucking a corpse still considered necrophilia? Think Meyers cares? I don’t, nor wouldn’t. Good to see Meyers, who has no regard for human life, can still appreciate a true work of art.
#7. KELLY MEEKER (KATHLEEN KINMONT) – HALLOWEEN 4
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Aside from the original, HALLOWEEN 4 has always been my favorite of the series. Many reasons account for this, not the least of which being the ultra-heat emitted from Kelly Meeker, the character played by the incendiary Kathleen Kinmont. Again, Meyers knows where the bread is buttered, so it isn’t at all shocking he eventually sets a big-boobed blonde in his sickened sights. Dude’s gotta prioritize, right? I’d do the same! Only 23 at the time, standing a statuesque 5’10”, Kinmont was the obvious standout in a dearth of sex-appeal the film had to offer. Ellie Cornell as Rachel Carruthers was certainly a looker, but nowhere near the head-turner Kinmont was. I mean, come on, you know you’re fine as wine when Lorenzo Lamas marries you. That not the ultimate seal of approval right there?
#6. JAMIE LLOYD CARRUTHERS (J.C. BRANDY) – HALLOWEEN 6
No wonder the Rudd man took Part 6, dude had to keep up the hot coworker quota. The same year he was mixing it up with those valley bitches in CLUELESS, he got to trade lines with both Marianne Hagan and this fine lady, JC Brandy. Lucky f*cker! As we mentioned the character of Rachel Carruthers above, here’s her kin, Jamie Lloyd…played by the then 20 year old British ingénue. JC has it all; the arresting blue orbs, the supple lips, the petite frame…and that sexy English accent she desperately tries to hide from us like her character does from Meyers himself. Brandy has worked pretty steadily since. After doing a number of TV projects, it’s good to see her back in the genre, having appeared in Michael Biehn’s THE VICTIM last year and the 2012 thriller 333 coming soon.
STAY TUNED FOR PART 2!