HORROR TEN SPOT: My Fav Evil Robots (Part 1)

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

Entering the public ring this weekend is Shawn Levy’s rock’em-sock’em robot flick REAL STEEL, a movie we’ve not for one second muted our vocal disinterest in. Shite looks like ROLLER BALL meets “American Gladiators,” with Hugh Jackman playing some cocky wash-up who predictably redeems himself to his son by the closing credits. F*ck all that noise! A shame really, because some of the best cinematic robots have through the years been depicted as far more malevolent, far more badass than the TRANSFORMER kiddy fare we’ve seen of late. Come on now, let’s not forget the 90s…when damn near every horror flick seemed to have some kind of mechanized element to one of the ridiculous baddies. So, as counterprogramming to the schmaltzy looking REAL STEEL, let’s go back and salute some of the best and most unforgiving cinematic robots we’ve ever seen.

WARNING: MINOR TO MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW!

#10. GAILY MORTON – STEEL AND LACE (1991)

Buy LACE AND STEEL on VHS here

Anyone who hasn’t given Ernest D. Farino’s 1991 rape-revenge strand STEEL AND LACE a look ought to seek this sucker out ASAP. Why? The film – a trashy low-budget good time – is about a girl who gets brutally gang raped, only to watch her assailants acquitted in court. Dejected, the poor girl plummets off the courthouse roof. Thing is, her brother, ever the trusty scientist, concocts a scheme to morph his dead sister into a vengeful cyborg…releasing her into the world to seek and destroy each and every sleaze-ball that did her dirty. Clare Wren plays the woman in question, with the great Bruce Davison as the conflicted brother. Painfully anachronistic 90s stylings, cornball F/X, smoked-ham line readings…and a whole lot of mothaf*ckin’ death! Obviously, the whole fatal attraction…half woman, half machine angle inspires most of the fun. This bitch is a cold blooded seductress of death. In other words, wifey material!

#9. WARBEAST – DEATH MACHINE (1994)

Buy DEATH MACHINE on DVD here

The 90s seemed to be the epicenter for the bad-movie-but-awesome-robot motif. One such example is Stephen Norrington’s 1994 film DEATH MACHINE, in which the great Brad Dourif does his rendition of a mad scientist. So mad in fact he creates a kill-crazy hunk of metal he pegs, get this, “Warbeast.” Part human, part machine…Warbeast is deployed into the world to seek bloody revenge on the company that fired Dourif for his ill-advised creations. And that it does! In what looks like a muddled mix of Robocop, ALIEN and Twoy from LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS, Warbeast is an indecipherable mass of metal that skulks along and masticates any breathing entity that dare cross its path. Awful movie, awesome robot! My favorite scene, a late one on the elevator. My man Warbeast, with its gnarly 3-pronged claw, goes berserk on a trio of baddies…disemboweling one, ricocheting bullets toward another, rapidly chomping its maw with the jaws od death. Utter mayhem!

#8. JASON VOORHEES – JASON X (2002)

Buy JASON X on DVD here

Yes, I’m sure there are far creepier, more original malefic robots than this, but since I’m such a Voorhees apologist, I had to throw my man a doff of the lid. Besides, has Voorhees ever amounted such a gaudy death-toll than he did when terrorizing the cosmos? A big fat FUCK NO! Anecdotally, this movie holds a special place in my heart, as I saw it in the theater on my birthday with two of my best friends (once since has passed, miss you every day Bill). Now, if you’ll recall, JASON X opened the same weekend as SPIDERMAN. As such, while everyone was watching Tobey act all sullen and whatnot, my friends and I had the entire JASON X theater to ourselves. It was magical. My man M’narl was smoking in the back, I even think he took a piss in the corner. Of course, as lifelong Voorhees enthusiasts, we hooted and hollered with every swing of the blade. We laughed at the superhuman strength Voorhees displayed, the metallic frame under his putrid overalls.

#7. PROTEUS – DEMON SEED (1977) 

Buy DEMON SEED on DVD here

Wow, I remember reading Dean Koontz’s technological thriller DEMON SEED in the 9th grade, far before knowing it was adapted into a feature film some 20 years earlier. Thing is, as dated as the visuals are in Donald Cammell’s film version, the premise alone is one I’ve never really been able to shake. Fraught with perverse paranoia and A.I. run amok, the story centers on Proteus, an organic supercomputer programmed with feeling. As the Proteus entity matures, it slowly becomes obsessed with human beings, in particular the lone wife of the man who created the uber-advanced automaton. Alone in her futuristic, automated abode, Suasn (Julie Christie) begins brewing a disturbing intimacy with the “heard but not seen” presence. As they grow closer, Proteus’ unconscionable intentions well up, and the last half hour of the picture is a tight little thrill-ride. Of course, being made at the apogee of American cinema, when tremendous actors like Christie were willing to mine this type of material.

#6. BB – DEADLY FRIEND (1986)

Buy DEADLY FRIEND on DVD here

Though Wes Craven somewhat struggled to find footing in the early years post-ELM STREET, his 1986 mind/body, human/robot film DEADLY FRIEND remains a pretty fun guilty pleasure. And instead of an out-and-out android with intentions of malice, Craven sets his story apart by fusing the human element into the technology itself (or vice versa). Y’all know the deal, when Paul’s best friend Samantha is hurled down the stairs by her father, Paul implants the mechanized brain of his robot pal BB into the girl’s human body. As you might expect, an oddly inverted FRANKENSTEIN disembodiment results, where it’s the pretty girl (a pert Kristy Swanson mind you) who hasn’t control of her own motor skills anymore. Of course, one of the gnarliest scenes in this film or any…the unctuous basketball decapitation of Anne Ramsey (see it HERE).

STAY TUNED FOR PART 2!