There was no doubt in our last
Face-Off that BLACK CHRISTMAS clearly reigns over SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT in terms of top holiday horror. It was nice seeing everyone’s jolly opinions, so keep ’em coming!
Today, we have a bit of an odd, but fun match-up and I wish to explain it briefly in case you were curious as to the selections. Summer is rapidly approaching, which brings to mind swimming at the beach. We all know the mother of all beach/swimming horror films is Spielberg’s JAWS and we also know that it is a masterpiece and essentially unbeatable. Hence, to make a fair fight, we went with the lesser masterpiece JAWS 2 to give the opponent a fair fighting chance. With PIRANHA 3DD coming soon this Summer, PIRANHA 3D seemed like a good choice to headline this match. Now, let the water turn red…
This sequel’s giant Great White Shark is just as maliciously brutal as its predecessor in terms of attacks. The kills come sharp and quick with an intense surge of shock. Even though the deaths are basically bloodless, their ferocity still supplies sufficient jolts.
Well, when it comes to great death scenes, this one is a literal smorgasbord. Absolutely nothing is held back in terms of gore, although splatter won’t necessarily win this round unless it’s backed by some jaw-dropping creativity. Thankfully, all of Piranha 3D’s guts also have a brain because we are treated to a bloody plethora of inspired kills from a boat motor ripping off a woman’s face to the sharp-toothed castration of Jerry O’Connell’s peesh!
The fantastic Roy Schieder returns as an even more bad ass version of his “Chief Brody”. I think having already defeated a Great White head-on certainly acted as a powerful charge for his machismo and he displays this proudly. It’s just awesome at the end when he literally calls-out his wide-mouthed nemesis by banging on that electrical wire. His heroic bravado reaches its fever pitch when Brody shoves said electrical wire right into the shark’s jaws as it’s about to strike. Killer stuff!
Elisabeth Shue was an excellent choice to play the local sheriff trying to deal with the fierce fish infestation and keep track of her three kids. She does a great job of balancing toughness and hotness. She definitely deserves points for bravely sailing out into those Piranha-infested waters, but doesn’t quite offer up the kind of bad ass that Schieder does.
We get our fair share of old-school, early 80’s two-pieces from some bunnies on the beach. True, there’s no opening skinny-dip or any nudity for that matter, but for a PG flick, there is certainly a fair share of young, nubile skin.
Holy boobies! In terms of beachy horror flicks, this one sets the standard for amounts of skin! Honestly, I don’t know if this movie goes longer than a minute without flashing some form of bikini/babe hotness. And by now, I’m sure we’re all fully aware of bathing goddess, Kelly Brook and her iconic nude underwater swim with fellow hottie, Riley Steele. Talk about unbeatable.
Let’s face it, who the f*ck isn’t afraid of a giant man-eating shark in the ocean? And if the effects and props are done right, even a mechanical shark can come off as shit-your-pants scary. And although some of the script quality wasn’t present in this sequel, the mechanical shark quality definitely was carried over. And whenever that Great White popped out of the water, I’m sure that poop would pop from your pants.
Other than a couple of unexpected jumps, this horror beast is played more for laughs than scares. Though a great many of the blood-soaked kills come as extreme shocks, I always found myself chuckling after each one occurred.
Our shark gets a nicely nasty scar early on when Terry’s mom shoots a flare gun at his face, which soon leads to herself blowing up. Even though Jaws survives, that burnt section on the right side of his face sure looks like it hurts. But nothing can top our hungry shark’s final jolting blow fed to him courtesy of Chief Brody. The sparks literally fly as Brody reduces the finned behemoth to a charred piece of shark steak.
Elisabeth Shue and her deputies do some piranha damage with their firearms, picking off some fish as they leap out of the water. She also helps bring about a nice explosion that does away with a healthy school of predators. But the best beastly beatdown occurs when Mr. Ving Rhames, fed up with these mutha-f*ckin’ fish, grabs hold of a boat engine and starts choppin’ those bastards to bits with the propeller. Bonus points to Rhames for continuing his carnage even after some piranha begin eating away at his legs.
Well, holy shit! It would appear that we have the first ever
tie here at our AITH Face-Off column. I’m not trying to come off as lazy here or act like some sort of cop out. It’s just that I truly felt that the final category didn’t truly present a clear winner. On one hand you’ve got Roy totally taking out this gigantic shark up close and personal. On the other hand, you’ve got big Ving Rhames mowing down these huge piranha without any regard for his legs’ well-being. Both are so bad ass, I just had to give the nod to both.
Now, you may think differently, in which case, I’d love to hear your thoughts below. Who do you think the clear winner should be? And, please feel free to send any future Face-Off ideas to me at [email protected].