I was glad to see that everyone enjoyed our last Thanksgiving-themed
Face-Off that found Freddy Krueger to be the better guest fpr turkey dinner over Pinhead. Gobble Gobble Ghee!
For today’s Face-Off, we are jumping right into the very next holiday on the horizon! Yes, Christmas time is upon us, which means all the classic horror holiday flicks have been bumped up to the regular rotation. However, for today’s battle we aren’t exactly taking the classic route. On the contrary, we are putting two flicks that are both modern updates of horror Christmas classics with healthy doses of colorful gore and cheese. I’m talking about 2006’s Black X-Mas and 2012’s Silent Night. Let’s Ho… Ho… GO!
Clearly, this movie’s director, Glen Morgan, was not going for the subtle, sophisticated scares approach with this remake. ALL the sorority girls are extreme bitches. Billy the killer is a yellow skinned brat who has his sister/daughter as his friggin’ accomplice. EVERY character makes a stupid decision that usually ends in an over-the-top, gore-soaked death.
Oh, how the naughty are punished in the most ridiculous of ways in Silent Night! From electrocution by Christmas lights to death by pine tree wood chipper, many meet quite the crazy comeuppance. Characters also make some really dumb, bad decisions. And Malcolm McDowell really hams it up as the town’s sheriff bent on playing by his own rules.
The gore gloriously flows in Black X-Mas! It’s probably the best, most ridiculous aspect of the flick. First time viewers will definitely be shocked the instant the very first eyeball is ripped out. Once that occurs, you know what kind of ride you’re in for. We get gougings, stabbings, beheading, and many more eyeballs ripped out. It’s a glorious gorefest!
Silent Night also holds nothing back when it comes to the red stuff. It definitely earns its R rating and gives us plenty of stabbings, guttings, electrocutions, choppings and more! Plus, there is a nice and messy bit involving a half naked chick and a wood chipper in a Christmas tree lot that really nicely brings together the red and green.
If there’s one thing other than gore that Black X-Mas is not short on, it’s hotties. I mean, it’s about a bunch of sorority chicks, so seeing pretty girls on screen should go without saying. And thankfully, we are treated to a bevy of buxom beauties including Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Katie Cassidy, Lacey Chabert, and Crystal Lowe. Even though only Miss Lowe grants us a touch of nakedness, the ladies are super lovely.
The hottie factor is also pretty sweet in Silent Night. It stars the beyond gorgeous (and modern day scream queen) Jamie King whose acting skills are as killer as her looks. She’s backed up by some beautiful babes in the form of Courtney-Jane White, Ellen Wong, and the super sultry Courtney Palm whose natural breasts are a pair of Christmas miracles.
There’s a whole heaping pile of crap leading to Billy Lenz becoming such a f*cked up killer. First, he has a severe case of jaundice which makes his skin literally the color of urine. He had a shit load of family issues such as his crazy mother keeping him locked in the attic for most of his young life and then indulging in some gross incest with him which leads to her getting pregnant with Agnes. Oh yeah, and Billy also got to witness his mother killing and burying his father.
It seems that this evil Santa is out for some type of revenge against the police officer that killed his insane father. We aren’t given much more than that as to the killer’s motivation or upbringing. He does seem to have a large grudge against people who are extra naughty in the town he terrorizes, but if that’s the case, why would he want to then kill the cop who was just doing his job?
One thing that really stands out in Black X-Mas is the bright array of Christmas colors and decorations. You can’t help but get in the holiday spirit while watching its warm hues of red, white, and green. There’s glowing Santas, a nativity set, wreaths, garland, Christmas trees, blankets of snow, and lots of wonderful songs of the season.
You can’t have Christmas without Santa and Silent Night gives us countless versions of him. The flick centers around an annual parade of Clauses so basically, he’s everywhere. There’s also lots of brightly colored decorations and pageantry. The whole small town Christmas thing really works the festive vibe.
That was a somewhat close race. Honestly, both these flicks really do have a lot in common and would make for a wonderfully sadistic double feature at say, an ugly Christmas sweater party. But after all is said and done, I suppose Black X-Mas takes the Christmas cookie in terms of fun, cheesy holiday horror. I mean, Silent Night may be slightly tighter, but Black throws so much shit at the wall, you can’t help but warm up to its outlandishness (so long as you know what you’re getting into). But enough of my opinion. What do YOU say? Kindly shoot them bullets below! And feel free to send any future Face-Off ideas to me at
[email protected].